i need advice for recently connecting with a lost relative i didnt know existed and im afraid that ive made a big mistake.
Recently my grandfather whom i was very close with passed away recently. (august 2025) i would always go to his and my grandmothers house to stay every school holiday growing up. we would go on holiday for two weeks out the country every single summer. i loved my grandfather so much, i couldnt imagine what i would do when he passed.
in september 2025, i was visiting my grandmother with my dad and we were preparing for the funeral that we were going to in a couple of days. i got to my grandmothers the day before my dad did.
the day before my dad came up, my grandmother had sat me down and told me that i wasnt biologically related to my grandfather i knew my full life. i was heartbroken. she wouldnt tell me anything else except my biological grandfather is from the USA, his name and that he was an “arsehole”.
i was so upset i froze, i couldnt say anything because she seemed so full of regret when telling me. i was so angry that i was never told until my grandfather (that i grew up with) had passed.
my dad came up the next day, he told me that my biological grandfather was physically abusive. my grandmother left him when my dad was only 2 or 3.
(important) my dad had a really rough upbringing with my grandfather. he was told about his biological dad when he was 13, he was threatened with disowning if he ever tried to reach out to him or go to the usa.
so i had been curious to see if he was on facebook, i found a man that matched the things i was told and he did look like my dad but i wasnt sure if it was just a placebo effect or something. i showed my partner and she said that she thought that it was definetly him. but i was still back and forth with it, so i avoided messaging just incase it wasnt him.
yesterday, (may 2026) i was speaking about the whole situation with my partner and i eventually got the courage to message him on facebook. i said “hi! did you ever know a woman called —- and had a son called ——? im sorry if this is really direct.”
he replied saying that he hasnt heard those names in a long time and that yes “he is my son, i havent seen him in 50 years!” i decided to reply saying that i was —— daughter. and he was over the moon. he was so grateful i reached out. he even said that he had been waiting for someone to reach out since 1978.
he was so lovely and he didnt hesitate to ask how my grandmother and my dad was doing. he sent me a photo of my dad in 1977 when he was 2 years old and my jaw dropped, i thought to myself that this is really him!
he asked if we could call and speak instead of messaging because he was struggling with typing because of his “fat fingers”! i was really nervous but i really wanted to do it. i was with my partner and my friend, and he said that it was okay.
we called and it felt so surreal. im from scotland so he couldnt understand me some of the time but he was really funny, he said to me that i can ask him anything, he was so glad that i reached out. he told me i have 3 uncles and 2 great aunties. we spoke about how him and my grandmother met and how they divorced. he even used my dads nickname that everyone has called him his full life.
he opened up so quick about it all, i never told him anything about my dad and grandmother, he already knew everything about them. (atleast in the 70s) he also asked me questions about myself, he was so interested in my life and my dad and grandmother. he even mentioned my grandmothers sister and asked about her.
i told him about my grandfather that recently passed, and he was so hurt to hear that my grandmother lost her husband of 40 odd year. he said he would love if my dad and grandmother got in contact with him and i said that no one knows that i reached out and i was told to not reach out, he was very understanding of the whole situation.
anyway there was a lot more on the phone call, but he said just before we hung up that he cant believe that im his granddaughter and he is my “step grandfather” (because i made it clear that i had a grandfather growing up) so he was very understanding of that.
i woke up to a big paragraph this morning of him expressing how much he was grateful i reached out.
im so happy that i finally got in contact. i have a whole family in the usa that i didnt even know about my full life. i dont regret reaching out. this has went the best way it could ever go. when i was on call with him i realised he has so much of the same traits as my dad.
my dad has never reached out to him. neither has my grandmother. he wants to get in contact but i explained my grandmothers head is all over the place right now because of the passing and he understood, i want to tell her one day but im so scared. i dont want my grandmother to be angry with me that i done this behind her back and went against my promise not to find him.
i really need advice on this. if anyone can help please help. i know this is a long story but im desperate!!! #helpagirlout!