u/HonestSnowball

The amount of things I have to say is unreal that I still don't know how long it'll take for me to finish this but I'll continue

So anyway my parents have been saying that they want to get us back but I don't know if I want them back yet. I mean given what they've done to me, denied me a childhood and I get punished for wanting more.

But anyway the night everything happened in the morning I heard my mom begging on her knees for my father to stay, the same person I beat up hours prior. But regardless I fell back asleep. And I woke up to screaming and crying so I ran to the living room where a saw half a dozen cops aiming tasers at my dog who was terrified and barking so I pulled him into the backroom and comforted him be going outside to confront everyone and there in total we're about 12 cops. I got really overwhelmed so I got on my bike when no one was paying attention and ran away to the park where I stayed for around an hour before coming back for my siblings. Around here I felt completely responsible for protecting them. My sister felt it was her job to provide for us but it was my job to protect above all else.

The things I saw there really broke me I think because the minute I got alone time on call with my mom I yelled at her for a solid 5 minutes before I had to return it so the call wouldn't end. I took twice as long to talk to my dad.

Things at my current home aren't much better. They are heavily religious which I'm not anymore since he hasn't helped me much. They are super strict and the minute we got there it was our job to wash dishes do their laundry clean everywhere but their room.

It might just be me but after all that has happened I just wanted a day off from everything and everyone. And right now in current time I'm really mad at my uncle who is always aggressive and mean and my aunt who shows zero emotion towards us.

I think I just need help my mental health in spiraling and I never thought I'd say this ever online or anywhere but right now at the age of only 14 my number 1 desire is just to die so I can get this over with. I hate living and it's been nothing but shit to me. I've been dragged through the dirt and I just want it to end. Still though I'll tell no one about how I feel because I don't need to be taken away or anything. I just can't leave my siblings which is the only reason I haven't done anything to myself yet.

I don't talk about my feelings and I never will probably. I just hope some people here have guidance for me.

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I'm 14 all this started when I was 12 but anyway.

We moved back in at a trashy hood neighborhood where drug dealers and murders ran around everywhere.

I was 13 when I first saw someone Overdose and die in front of me.

Then my parents got on heavy drugs and that's when the fighting started. They would hit each other making me and my big sister intervene and my poor 9 year old brother got caught up in this, he was too young too see all this.

Then one day, my father made his last mistake when he punched my sister hard enough to where she was on the ground and didn't get up. I looked at my father and jumped on him, beating his ass for a minute straight. I walked outside and called the cops the next day my parents were took away. I thought this was it but nope. I had to also move schools away from not just friends but the people who helped me when I tried to kill myself. Now I'm at a new school with people I don't like and I don't know what to do and to add on top of all of it my current family doesn't like me, is strict and only has me for chores they don't wanna do

So would any of this be considered trauma or is it me being a baby about it. I've never put this out before but I'd like to hear feedback.