Had a catch-up with a long-time friend today and I feel heavy when I got home
It's been so long since we had a decent catch-up ng kaibigan ko. We had a coffee kanina, ang dami naming catch-ups and updates sa life, may masakit, may masaya, may about career – it felt good kasi it seems we are really maturing when ang dami naming time nung mga highschool pa kami na magkakasama kesa nung unti-unti kaming dumating sa 20s namin. I didn't expect we will be able to have such a good conversation na parang mga tunay na adults.
When I got home, syempre pagod, but for some reason, my feelings got so heavy na parang I wanted to cry. Sa kanya ko lang rin openly nasabi yung problema ko sa parents ko that happened a month ago, yung matinding away namin ng nanay ko. I was fine naman when I was talking about it but parang may nag-open na wound sakin ulit, yung resentment ko towards my parents, yung idea na gustong-gusto ko na maka-exit sa bahay na kasama sila. Parang nalulungkot lang ako sa sarili ko kasi I had to go through that, kahit parang hindi naman dapat. It was such a painful moment to me since that was the most intense and vulnerable na away namin ng nanay ko ever, and coming back to our house made me feel like I was going back to prison.
Gustong-gusto ko na humingi ng tulong mentally habang nag-iipon para sa exit plan, at kahit man na gustuhin kong makaalis agad, I need to be practical para sa pagbukod. Every day is suffocating for me, kaya everytime I go out alone, I feel so free, pero ayon, when I told that to my friend, parang bumalik yung resentment ko. Idagdag pa yung mga kaganapan sa gobyerno na minsan, hindi ko maiwasan maging emosyonal at i-overthink dahil alam kong apektado rin ako sa sistema ng gobyerno.
Ang bigat-bigat na parang gusto ko munang umiyak ngayon bago matulog. Pero sana, dumating rin yung araw na maging masaya at satisfied ako sa buhay at magkaroon na ng magandang sistema na hindi lang para sa akin, pero para din sa mga naaapektuhan ng mga problema sa bansa ngayon.