struggle with attraction to actually nice partner
hello all, I found slaa after splitting from a very toxic relationship with my covert narc qualifier, I was unhealthily obsessed with him in many different ways. Fear (of letting him down, of making him mad, of being stonewalled and abandoned, of not being good enough for him) was a huge part of our dynamic, and this desire to please him at all costs and "be good" existed in every party of our relationship, including romantically and intimately.
fast forward to now and I am 1.5 years into a healthy relationship with a kind, patient, affectionate, open-hearted man. He is opposite of Qualifier in many ways: Qualifier was "black cat energy," very avoidant and controlling and secretive (which triggered a lot of my own acting out, doing disordered things like reading his diary and fixating on his exes), while Current BF is "golden retriever energy," super available emotionally, talkative, honest, relaxed, and very demonstrative in his love for me. This should be perfect, right? My previous partner always made me feel weak, broken, unlovable, on eggshells, etc, and now my current partner is extremely vocal with his love and affection?
NO! :( :( I feel so guilty even writing this down but seeking fellowship or empathy or insight will hopefully make me feel better and understand what SLAA behaviors are at work here.
Sometimes everything is groovy between me and current BF, and I feel so happy and into him and healthy (i NEVER have the urge to go through his diaries or relapse into intrusive snooping); but sometimes, and I still haven't pinpointed what triggers this, I feel repulsed by his attraction to me. Sometimes it's minor annoyance and sometimes it's active disgust, almost fight or flight, like I can't bear to be touched lightly on the arm by him. Sometimes it is so bad that the smell of his skin grosses me out or his breath smells weird even after brushing teeth. This repulsion never cancels out the love and care I feel for him; they weirdly coexist.
There are other things in our relationship I really need to work on, particularly my codependent desire to "fix" things in his life (we joke that I am his "manager" at times). Maybe my unhealed codependency is polluting my ability to desire him sometimes..... I am not sure bc I was SUPER codependent with Qualifier too tho
To be TOTALLY honest, sometimes I feel like I don't know how to access s*xual desire without the elements of control, worthlessness, and self-erasure that were so present in my past relationship. I don't know how to enjoy intimacy that doesn't center around a very REAL (not role-played) power dynamic. And I feel so confused and guilty about it..... like intimacy is a way for me to eroticize my own sense of worthlessness, so intimacy that is about adoration is alienating and confusing to me :( that feels so sad to write down, that I can't truly enjoy intimacy without an element of FEAR involved.
Everything with my Qualifier was so charged and intense all the time: terrible fights that left me hyper-ventiliating, then over-the-top romantic gestures from both of us. I bought that asshole a $600 vacuum and a ticket to Paris! Lol, ugh! But now, the safer my current partner makes me feel, the more detached and disassociated I feel. he is a talented musician and sometimes he writes me love songs (something I would have KILLED for my qualifier to do) and I feel nothing when I hear them, which then makes me feel so fucking guilty and defective. I can't tell if I'm repulsed by his literal body, or the confusion of s*x, or his overwhelming love for me. I think perhaps the last one
I don't feel like I can tell Current BF the full truth without making him feel unwanted; he has gained some weight and feels self conscious
Thank you for allowing me to vent <3