I don’t know how to walk away
My husband and I have been together 9 years and married for 3. Our marriage started rocky and, against my hope, only continued to show me it wasn’t going to get better.
My husband (34M) has always had therapy for his traumatic relationship with his parents. One year, after EMDR it seemed that the treatment initiated a domino effect of issues within him; panic/anxiety attacks, insomnia, suicide ideation, and daily runs to urgent care. We found some help with a psychiatrist that prescribed him some benzodiazepines and then asked my husband to stop cold turkey. This caused further issues and destabilized my husband even further. He was helpless and I wanted to help him.
I told my husband to go on a medical leave to stay home and take care of himself. I would take care of the two of us for the next 2.5 years. I became the breadwinner, the cleaner, the cook, his caretaker, and slowly lost bits of myself compromising for the sake of our marriage. Our healthy sexual intimacy became nonexistent as well (Benzo side effect) I did it because of the “for better or worst” part of the marriage and love I have for him.
When my 30th birthday rolled around he wasn’t working, had no savings and we were still dealing with his health. I didn’t expect anything nor did I demand it. What I got however was a harsh lecture when his best friend said he was hungry and I replied with “Again? We just ate 2hrs ago. I’m still full.” My husband defended his best friend while putting me down in front of him. I had felt so low in my life. I assumed at least I would be treated decently on my birthday. This continued until the end of the day and I just went to sleep crying. This was a catalyst for me showing me that no matter what I am never going to be a priority in his eyes. I would never be appreciated. He would never see the sacrifice only the benefits.
Recently his sex drive has come back, he’s back to work and working through “minor” side effects but asked for an open marriage to which I said no. Later he asked for a threesome I said no. Things I don’t want and we had discussed in the past were not of interest to either one of us. I said I don’t want it. He then proceeded to ask multiple times which to me registers as testing boundaries (which I know he shouldn’t) and shows his eagerness to mess around with others. He then asked me what my type was and I responded “you”. I thought this was the moment he was going to turn it all around and say that I was his but instead he proceeded to send me 3 different profiles of three different guys on Instagram. At this point I felt so humiliated and rejected that I said it was over. This was one more catalyst moment that put it all into perspective.
He said it’s not over for him and that he can fix it. A part of me still loves him but I see the patterns and I feel worst around this version of him. I don’t know what to do next. I feel like I am overreacting at times and others I feel just.
I write this knowing there’s a lot left to be said but this was the most respectful way I could think to say this.