Graduating online is soooo lonely bro. My gf and I graduated with penn foster a few months apart and now we plan on traveling to go to graduation!! I wanted to make some friends with some other weird girlies before we got there(preferably 17-19?) I want this to feel like a normal graduation where you hangout and get excited with your friends, you know?
I 18(f) am more than aware that I was emotionally neglected. I am one of six kids so obviously there wasn't enough love to go around. I have a gf(18)f of five years and before, I was VERY affectionate. Like, I was the main one initiating affection(hugs, kisses, etc). But then, when I was 15, I became homeless and was the only child left with my mother. In the hotels we stayed in, she would have sex with her boyfriend in the bed next to me. I'm a VERY light sleeper and eventually, she stopped caring if I were asleep and was just doing it willy nilly. Now, I feel a visceral kind of disgust with any kind of intimacy. Even if I want to do things, I can't because I'm so in my head and feel awkward with even a hug that I can't initiate ANYTHING. Even back then, she was the only person I let touch me before all that stuff happened and now I feel violated and panicked by affection. I did hate being touched already despite being pretty touch-starved but now, I can't even feel comfortable with my gf touching me. I know I love her but this disgust makes me question it if that makes sense?
Like I know deep down that I really love her(both romantically and platonically) but the fact that I can't give nor receive affection makes me feel like I don't. Of course I want to be with her but I think it makes me both feel and come off as distant.