u/Hostile-96

Hey there,

So I'm a 38 y/o male. I'm looking for penpals to belly ache about life mostly with, as they say misery loves company but really I'm cool with anything non-judgemental. I'm told I'm a great listener (you can totally trauma dump on me) & find real experiences and stories of people more interesting than the fake facade of pretending everything is alright to come off as normal or superior in a nonexistent competition.

Life sucked in school but college was super cool but  after graduating the real nightmare began phantom health issues arose & got misdiagnosed making matters worse.

I'm currently screwed with chronic pain and such especially after I screwed my back deadlifting couple years ago and have failed to fix it uptill now (don't worry I didn't let myself get fat, I know from mid to late 30s metabolism slows down plus the injury but where there's a will there's a way)

I also recently found out I have ADHD and I was hoping the medication can fix some of my problems but haven't had much luck up till now.

I find it some what not so nice to say but I'd prefer female friends coz a couple guys I met earlier were not so nice and were sort judgey maybe I was in a wrong place at the wrong time.

You know what men, women, leprechauns all the welcome send me DM let's see how it goes

If I don't reply right away please don't be a baby about it and ghost me, I face problems on multiple fronts & to sort them out 24 hours of the day sometimes fall short given shenanigans of my life but sooner or later I always reply. DO NOT GHOST ME lol

Anyways if you could relate to any of the above mentioned stuff or are intrigued do hit me up in the DM, would love to know your story as long as it doesn't jog up any bad memories that might trigger your PTSD if you have any

regards,

Hey guys,

I don't know where to start, much of my life has been a series of unfortunate and weird events.

I guess I'll start from where I noticed a breakdown in my mental state as a kid.

I guess it was in 6th or 7th grade, as pathetic and as weak as it sounds I was getting bullied by much older kids at school. It got to the point where my mom forced dad (who already didn't like me since I was no where near as good as my big brother at life and looks) to change my school. But surprise surprise I didn't fit in the new school either and sure enough had a bunch of people chasing me calling me names for being by myself all the time. I used to take solace in the fact that after I finish my high school I'd just leave this place and especially my dad and this house. After the torture finally ended, I scored terrible in high school btw my mom insisted that I don't start working and at least get a college degree.

So my dad chose the major since he was paying, its most useless one in my experience it was called bachelors in science of business. I don't think anyone should do it unless they're gonna use it for running their own business. But the silver lining was that everyone liked me in college random people would try to befriend me for once I felt human and part of this world. Those 3 years were the best time of my life.

Sadly after graduation I developed some weird health issue, it never got diagnosed but used to feel like I'd get fits of panic attack mixed with restlessness I couldn't sit in once place. This is where the real nightmare began that took all the years of my youth. Since nothing showed up in the tests the doctors zonked me out on pills mostly sedatives with anti-psychotics. They continued it even though I showed no signs of improvement and my condition even worsened with the anti psychotics.

By the age of 25 I was completely on bed. I gained weight my personality which already wasn't very strong became way more pathetic and confused, the couple friends and groups I hung out with stopped calling me & keeping in touch because of how it was going down. Some even made a joke that I need an exorcism.

During this time I tried working but my jobs won't last because of the heavy dose of medication I was on.

This continued till I was 31 ( I stopped the meds) by that time I had built a tolerance for the horrible sensations inside me. I tried working again the place was fancy too, I worked as an accountant but that didn't last more than 6 months. They had issues with me not looking happy plus they said I didn't hang out with their other staff after work apparently when you work at the finance department of ritz carlton hotel you're part of the family and are constantly required to suck up to your superiors. Then came covid where they put a bunch of people on unpaid leave and sent me their work and required me to stay longer hours ( it was very irresponsible of them since I didn't have proper traing for some of the work that came to me but I was told to get it done or I'm fired). My back finally went out and I quit that job.

I tried to rehab the back and it went very well under the supervision of a physical therapist but with again 6 months something went wrong when I was deadlifting (deadlift was also part of the rehab). I guess I was breathing and bracing wrong and now when I try to brace my abs I get wicked neural tightness in my legs like I feel my nerves are not gliding and sliding and are stuck in one place as the muscles move around them. Again my mri has showed no new damage (I had mild disc bulges but those were there before the rehab too) and I can't get this fixed.l or find a solution for) I'm still living with my parents at 38 and again sort of bed ridden.

I've been this way now again since 2022 and have used up much of my savings on different therapies and doctors. I'd really like to work out again but for now i can't touch any weights, lifting used to help my anxiety.

As the next birthday month approaches I feel scared AF.

I don't know the point of this post but I've been feeling sad/depressed I don't want it to end like this. All the ships have sailed and I'm still stuck here. My friends went on to become big shots the one I hung out most with is a surgeon the rest are bankers and others run IT companies.

I feel like my mental age never got beyond 13 years old.

I've become very reclusive and go to great lengths to avoid people. I recently found out that I have ADHD was hoping the medication for it might fix me like fix me like a miracle but it only helps to focus a bit as I try my hand at crypto to console my self that all is not lost

Is there anyone here who went through something similar and ended in their 40s in such a state? I know people have been through much worse and came out stronger and more resilient out the other side but I'm beginning to think I'm not cut from that cloth. The harder I try the worse I get stuck. Its like I got hexed or cursed by a gypsy in those 80s movies and an invisible force is working over time to screw me. I haven't seen a day without pain, restlessness, stress and sometimes even embarrassment ever since I finished my bachelors. I wish I died back then I didn't hate myself back then as much as I do now.

Were any of you able to make it out? How did you do it? Is it even worth trying?