u/Hot-Case-5189

Hi everyone. I’m posting here because I genuinely want perspective from people who understand PTSD dynamics better, and not just “leave him” responses.

My partner and I have been together almost 9 years and have a baby under 1 together. He has PTSD and has been out of work for several years, currently receiving ACC support. I work full time while he stays home with the baby during the week.

Our relationship has become really strained over time. There’s a lot of defensiveness, tension, emotional shutdown, and resentment on both sides. He often says he feels misunderstood and unsupported in his PTSD, while I’ve increasingly felt emotionally drained, disconnected, and hurt by how we communicate.

For example, he says he makes accommodations for my ADHD, but doesn’t feel I make accommodations for his PTSD. One example he gave recently was when we were trying to buy a house and he needed to talk to his ACC case manager about future payments. It was emotionally difficult for him and he asked me to help/talk on his behalf, but I said no because honestly at the time I felt burnt out and resentful already. He says moments like that make him feel alone and unsupported.

I can understand his perspective when he explains it like that, and I think part of the problem is that over the years I’ve slowly moved from “supportive partner” into emotional exhaustion/caretaker burnout. At the same time, I’ve also been struggling because communication between us has become hurtful. He gets overwhelmed and defensive easily, and sometimes says things like he “can’t be bothered talking to me,” that I’m “too much,” or that he’s “checked out.”

Recently he said something that stuck with me:
“If you change, I’ll change.”

And honestly, I can see there’s truth in the idea that we trigger each other. My ADHD emotional intensity + his PTSD responses seem to create a terrible cycle where we both end up feeling unsafe, unheard, and resentful.

At the same time, I don’t know how to tell the difference anymore between:
- PTSD-related emotional reactions
and
- a relationship that has simply become unhealthy and emotionally damaging for both people.

I’m trying very hard to reflect on my side honestly and not paint him as a villain. I know he’s struggling too. But I also feel myself emotionally detaching because I don’t know how to keep supporting someone without losing myself in the process.

For people with PTSD or partners of people with PTSD:
- What does healthy accommodation actually look like?
- How do you know when a relationship is struggling vs beyond repair?
- Can PTSD really create this level of emotional shutdown and resentment over time?
- Is it possible to come back from years of mutual hurt and defensiveness?

I’d genuinely appreciate thoughtful perspectives.

Hi everyone. I’m posting here because I genuinely want perspective from people who understand PTSD dynamics better, and not just “leave him” responses.

My partner and I have been together almost 9 years and have a baby under 1 together. He has PTSD and has been out of work for several years, currently receiving ACC support. I work full time while he stays home with the baby during the week.

Our relationship has become really strained over time. There’s a lot of defensiveness, tension, emotional shutdown, and resentment on both sides. He often says he feels misunderstood and unsupported in his PTSD, while I’ve increasingly felt emotionally drained, disconnected, and hurt by how we communicate.

For example, he says he makes accommodations for my ADHD, but doesn’t feel I make accommodations for his PTSD. One example he gave recently was when we were trying to buy a house and he needed to talk to his case manager about future payments. It was emotionally difficult for him and he asked me to help/talk on his behalf, but I said no because honestly at the time I felt burnt out and resentful already. He says moments like that make him feel alone and unsupported.

I can understand his perspective when he explains it like that, and I think part of the problem is that over the years I’ve slowly moved from “supportive partner” into emotional exhaustion/caretaker burnout. At the same time, I’ve also been struggling because communication between us has become hurtful. He gets overwhelmed and defensive easily, and sometimes says things like he “can’t be bothered talking to me,” that I’m “too much,” or that he’s “checked out.”

Recently he said something that stuck with me:
“If you change, I’ll change.”

And honestly, I can see there’s truth in the idea that we trigger each other. My ADHD emotional intensity + his PTSD responses seem to create a terrible cycle where we both end up feeling unsafe, unheard, and resentful.

At the same time, I don’t know how to tell the difference anymore between:
- PTSD-related emotional reactions
and
- a relationship that has simply become unhealthy and emotionally damaging for both people.

I’m trying very hard to reflect on my side honestly and not paint him as a villain. I know he’s struggling too. But I also feel myself emotionally detaching because I don’t know how to keep supporting someone without losing myself in the process.

For people with PTSD or partners of people with PTSD:
- What does healthy accommodation actually look like?
- How do you know when a relationship is struggling vs beyond repair?
- Can PTSD really create this level of emotional shutdown and resentment over time?
- Is it possible to come back from years of mutual hurt and defensiveness?

I’d genuinely appreciate thoughtful perspectives.