Advice/encouragement needed
I am F22 and starting to feel helpless and that I will never find love. This is a long read, but I truly appreciate those who stick around and have advice/support for me. 🥹 (TLDR at the end)
I have only been with one person officially, and it was very short, we were good friends but I don’t think we liked each other romantically. Other than that, I do not get approached, and never really have. I’m a little shy, barely like guys, and I hardly ever actually go on dates.
I joined Hinge and currently I match with girls, but I live in a very conservative state in a small, conservative town, so there truly are hardly any contenders, let alone girls who are my type/compatible. I’ve been on Hinge for about 5 months, and there’s only been one girl who I’ve actually met up with and went out with for a few weeks (spoiler: she ghosted me). Even then, I had to expand my dating radius to areas that are over an hour away from me. Since then, I’ve reduced it (I am a huge quality-time person and I want to be able to go out/hang out more than just one time a week), but the options are even slimmer, or the same girls I’ve seen for the past 5 months. I like to reach out and make the first move, but it always fizzles out and I can’t actually get a date.
I am unlabeled/undecided with my sexuality, and I have matched with guys and girls, and I have my struggles with both.
I’ve considered matching with guys again (I did when I first downloaded the app), but my standards for guys are extremely high, especially living in such a conservative area, many do not share the same values that I do (which is very important for me). Back when I’d actually match with guys on Hinge, I felt some frustration/hopelessness since most of them can not keep the conversation alive/interesting, can’t take the initiative and plan a date, or reveal themselves to just not be my type. It’s like none of them actually want to begin a relationship (I understand some people are not looking for long-term partners, so I wouldn’t match with people who are in the ‘short-term’ category). Many of the guys I’ve chatted with who want to find their life partner or long-term relationship simply could not put in the basic effort to plan a fun date. I eventually turned off matching with guys to focus on girls, considering that maybe I was the issue since I am so picky with guys.
When I match with girls, I try my best to be respectful and kind, while also showing interest (usually a compliment and a question about one of their interests listed in their profile). About 70% of the conversations/matches are ones I’ve initiated, since I know it can be difficult for some girls to make the first move and reach out. I usually don’t mind making the first move either, I want to show I am interested. At first, I chatted with a decent amount of girls, and it was overwhelming. Now that I have reduced my radius and been on the app for a while, I get one like a week, and hardly any messages. Now, I’m beginning to get a little frustrated with women, it feels like I am the only one initiating or asking other girls out. Are they just shy, or do not like me? Even so, I’ve only been out with that one girl, and I can’t actually get a date or get someone to like me.
Why is it so hard? Am I unlikeable/unloveable? Through highschool and so far through college, only one person has actually showed interest in me and tried to pursue me (my ex, who eventually dumped me). Not receiving any romantic attention or experiencing teenage love really damaged my self-esteem for an extremely long time, which I’ve actually been improving a lot with recently, and one of the reasons why I’ve been really giving dating a try.
When I talk to my friends/family about dating, they tell me that I’m a catch, saying that I’m attractive, smart, funny, and sweet. Although I had/sometimes have poor self esteem when it comes to my appearance, I have some traits that I am proud of, ones I thought others would find attractive on Hinge; I earn perfect grades, earned my private-pilots license, I’m working towards my undergraduate, I live on my own with my roommate, I am employed, enjoy being outdoors, etc. (truly not trying to have an ego, just sharing my achievements/life experiences since I thought they’d make me an attractive choice on Hinge). However, I still can not get into a “talking stage” for the life of me.
I am beginning to wonder if I am just bad at dating, bad at flirting, or bad at being in a relationship. I really do not have a lot of experience, so maybe I am just not very good at it, which sucks, because I have always yearned to be in a romantic, loving, and sweet relationship. I finally want to experience being in love, being sexual, and having someone who loves me too. I feel so behind. All of my friends, siblings, and family, have been in relationships or are currently in one, how do they do it? And it’s not even like I’m the only LGBT person in my circle either, my sibling who is also LGBT has had girlfriend after girlfriend. My best friend is able to go on Hinge and get new boyfriends just like that once things end with her previous one. I am beginning to wonder if romance is never going to happen for me, which makes me really sad sometimes, because I just want to be loved too.
And it’s so hard to share this sadness/experience with others because most people can’t or do not understand at all what it is like to never be pursued or be in love. Explaining it is honestly embarrassing… I’m just basically complaining that I can’t get any play. And when I do, it’s the same cliches; “It happens when you least expect it,” “It happens when you aren’t looking,” “You need to focus on yourself,” “You need to put yourself out there,” “It’s not your time yet,” etc. (I’m sick of hearing them).
So, is it hopeless for me, honestly? Do I give up? Or is there something that I need to do differently? I really need some advice or encouragement, because I have a lot of love to give, and I want to experience romance so badly.
Please help! 🥹 Truly, what can I do? Advice wanted!!
TLDR: I’ve experienced basically no romantic attention in my life and I have been trying to date through Hinge with no luck, starting to think I will never find love, even though I really want to. Advice or encouragement wanted!