u/Hot-Weekend4411

This is something that has been on my mind for a while.

One thing I’ve repeatedly heard from INTPs I’ve dated or been friends with is a version of “I don’t want to feel needed”. The first time I heard someone say it, I found it confusing. But over time I kept hearing the same phrase from different people. That made me think, and looking back, I can even remember it coming up in past relationships and friendships.

Now I’m wondering whether this is something that many INTPs relate to, or whether I’ve just happened to meet people with similar views because of who I am. I also wonder whether my own independence attracts people who prefer that kind of dynamic.

If that resonates with you, what does “not wanting to feel needed” actually mean? Is it about avoiding codependency? Not wanting to be responsible for someone else’s happiness? Preserving your independence? Or is it something else?

I’m curious to hear from men over 30 who are looking for a long-term partner, not just hookups.

The other day I was talking with a friend who is almost 40. He showed me some of his matches on dating apps, and I was genuinely surprised by how polished many of the profiles were. Most of the women were very attractive and had highly curated photos: professional headshots, gym photos with posed angles, lifestyle shots, and in some cases tasteful body-focused or slightly revealing photos that highlight physique in a flattering but still PG way.

He told me this is what works on dating apps and what most men are drawn to. From his pov, if a profile doesn’t include that level of presentation, it significantly reduces your options.

My profile is quite different. I don’t think I’m unattractive, but I’ve chosen more natural photos and avoided heavily curated or intentionally provocative images. I’m trying to show myself in a way that feels authentic, even if it’s not the most optimized version of myself.

What stayed with me is that I’ve also heard very different opinions over the years. Some men have said they prefer authenticity and natural photos, and that overly posed or revealing photos can feel performative or off-putting. I don’t really know how common that perspective is today.

So I’m genuinely interested in your perspective: when you’re looking at dating profiles, what do you consider tasteful and appealing in a potential long-term partner?

Do you prefer highly curated, visually polished profiles (including styled or body-focused photos), or more natural and understated ones that feel closer to everyday life?

Do you think dating apps reward a style of presentation that’s different from what people actually value in real relationships?

I’d appreciate your input.