I have been attracted to or attracting many INTPs but it does feel like something eventually goes wrong or is off.
Regardless of my personal experiences, in your personal opinion and/or experience, could ENFPs and INTPs be more than platonic and work?
I'm 28M and I'm in a situation that's gotten emotionally overwhelming over the past week, and I could really use some outside perspectives.
My ex ("Renee") and I broke up a little over a year ago. I was the one who ended the relationship, but I was still very much in love with her when I did. At the time I was struggling with untreated ADHD and some pretty severe attachment/intimacy issues that I didn't really understand yet. As our relationship became more serious and stable, I started feeling trapped, overwhelmed and afraid even though I loved her.
Eventually I convinced myself I couldn't work on those issues while remaining in the relationship.
When I broke up with her, I told her I still loved her and genuinely thought the breakup would be temporary. I told her I hoped that once I got myself into a better place, we could go on a date and see where things went. Obviously, I couldn't reasonably ask her to wait around indefinitely for that. About a month later, she started dating someone else. They're still together. I eventually tried once to see if Renee would consider trying again, and she turned me down. I've respected that. We still have occasional friendly contact, but I've spent the past year trying to accept that the relationship is over.
The problem is that I've never actually stopped loving her. I've made progress functioning without her, but the feelings themselves never really went away.
Recently I've been seeing another woman ("Lynn"). I genuinely like Lynn. We have a lot in common, I'm attracted to her, we get along extremely well, and I can realistically imagine us having a great relationship. She's also recently out of a relationship after her boyfriend cheated on her, so there are already some complicated circumstances on her side. Things moved unusually quickly because she needed somewhere temporary to stay after the breakup. I offered to let her stay with me for a week or two while another housing situation gets worked out. I've never lived with a partner before, so suddenly spending that much time together accelerated our dynamic considerably.
A few days ago, despite some reservations I was already having, Lynn and I made things official. We had a genuinely fantastic day together, and by the end of it I felt good about the decision. There were a lot of moments that made me think, "Yeah, this person really could be a great match for me." Then the next day I had horrible anxiety and spent much of the day trying to stave off panic attacks. The same feelings have continued. Whenever I think about Renee and then think about being with Lynn, my heart starts racing, I feel sick, and I get overwhelmed with guilt and dread.
There's another major piece of this that happened shortly before Lynn and I became official. My brother originally introduced Renee and me. Recently he and his wife attended a retirement party for some former bosses that Renee also attended. Renee's current boyfriend was there too. My brother and SIL ended up talking with Renee for much of the night.
They asked Renee how things were going with her current boyfriend. She said she was happy and liked that he was thinking about their future, including potentially getting a place together. But according to both of them, she then brought me up completely on her own and spent considerably more time talking about me.
She talked about how deeply and intensely in love with me she had been. She said part of why she moved on so quickly was that after loving me that intensely, she wasn't in a place where she could just wait around wondering whether I'd come back. She said that no matter what happens, she'll always love that I showed her what love actually feels like. She said she still thinks about me and wants to talk to me, and mentioned that we occasionally still do. She also needs to rehome a cat that she had while we were together and apparently told them she'd considered asking me to take him because she wants him to have a good home, and said that "when I think of a good person, I think of him."
My SIL told me afterward that she obviously doesn't want to give me false hope or claim she knows what Renee feels, but that from actually sitting there listening to her, it struck her as almost like Renee was "gushing" about me. She also noticed a difference between the energy with which Renee talked about me versus her current boyfriend.
I realize none of this means Renee wants me back. She explicitly said she's happy with her boyfriend, and they're discussing a future together. Someone can still love or miss an ex without wanting to resume the relationship.
But hearing all of this completely reopened something in me. Before, I still loved Renee, but I had basically no reason to think reconciliation was ever possible. Now I can't stop wondering whether some part of her still has romantic feelings for me or wonders about us too.
I've written a message to Renee that I haven't sent. Essentially it tells her that I'm still in love with her, never really stopped loving her, deeply regret ending our relationship, and that trying to move forward with someone else has made me realize how unresolved my feelings still are. It explicitly says I'm not asking her to leave her boyfriend or get back together with me and that she doesn't owe me any particular response. Part of me just feels like after carrying this for over a year and talking about it with everyone except the person it's actually about, I need her to know.
But now I'm Lynn's boyfriend. Lynn knows my anxiety has been really bad, but she doesn't know why. I feel horrible because she's been through a lot recently and I don't want to hurt her. More importantly, I genuinely do want to see where things could go with her. If Renee simply didn't exist as a possibility, I think I'd be excited about continuing to build this relationship. But I also have to admit something that makes me feel like I'm being unfair to Lynn: if Renee became single tomorrow, told me she still loved me and asked to try again, I believe I would end my relationship with Lynn and go back to Renee.That's the part I can't rationalize away.
So I feel stuck. I don't want to throw away what could potentially be a great relationship with Lynn because I'm holding onto someone who's currently unavailable and may never want me back. At the same time, I don't want to use Lynn as a way of trying to get over Renee or let her become more invested in me when I know where my heart currently is. I also don't know whether sending Renee the message would actually help me move forward or whether it would just complicate four people's lives.
What would you do in my position? Do I tell Lynn the real reason I've been struggling and potentially end/pause the relationship? Do I accept that Renee is unavailable and give this new relationship a genuine chance despite still loving my ex? Should I tell Renee how I feel, without asking her for anything, or leave her alone because she's in a relationship? And am I reading too much into what she told my brother and SIL?
TL;DR: I ended a relationship with an ex I was deeply in love with because of attachment/intimacy issues I didn't understand at the time, and I've never stopped loving or regretting leaving her. She's been with someone else for over a year, so I'd mostly given up hope of reconciliation. Recently, my brother and SIL talked to her at a party, where she brought me up unprompted and spoke at length about how intensely she'd loved me, how I showed her what love feels like, how she still thinks about/wants to talk to me, and how she still thinks of me as a good person. She also said she's happy with her current boyfriend, so I know this doesn't mean she wants me back, but hearing it brought all my feelings and hope rushing back. Meanwhile, I've been seeing someone new, who I genuinely really like and think could be a great partner, and we just made things official. Since then I've been overwhelmed by anxiety, guilt, and near-panic attacks because I know that if my ex became available and wanted to try again, I'd currently choose her. I don't know whether to tell Lynn what's really going on, end/pause a potentially great new relationship, tell my ex I'm still in love with her, or accept that my ex is unavailable and genuinely try to move forward with the person I've been seeing.
I know I handled some of this badly, particularly making things official with Lynn when I already knew I had unresolved feelings. I'm not looking to be told that was a good decision. I'm trying to figure out what the most responsible thing to do from here is.
Hello everyone, I went on vacation for a month somewhere. I’ve never been. I befriended this guy. We hung out multiple times during my day, we didn’t talk much but we had high proximity and it was very low maintenance. He’s an artist and also guest listed me two of his shows, we got food and coffee together multiple times I paid for some parts he paid for some parts we paid for our own meals. We both would go back home short.
Come over to hang out for a bit and we just talk. We had a physical distance from us each time there was some things I’m grasping for straws on though
While we at
- his friend said I'm a baddie he said She is a baddie!
- he held my hand at club to guide me past crowd
- I jokingly said we should get married so I can move here and he said we should
- he said it's gonna be weird when I am gone
That's all but maybe it's all like a friendly way I can't tell
His friend told him "u and my name) would look cute together " and she said he looked at her all serious and said "Okay"
On my last day, he came over with our friends and as he was about to leave, I asked him if I could kiss him on the cheek and he said yes, I made him a painting. I remember he would take a lot of candid photos and videos of me, his friends told me he hung out with me more than any of his other friends while I was there.
We barely talked and didn’t make much eye contact
I talk the most though, and I was very silly around him and complementing strangers when we walked around
I think he’s very sweet and super chill
He opened up a little bit about some problems though, and I can tell he’s a bit passive
I’m back home now and then I keep having dreams of him. I’ve never had this many dreams about a guy before in such a short period of time.
His friends can’t read him, and I can’t read him on his feelings. I really miss him. I really like him. I made him a painting of us.
My Instagram account accounts deleted now so there’s no way he can reach out to me, but I have his friends contacts
And they said if me and him don’t work out, they can hang out with me if I’m back in their country
One of them said he’s not seeing girls and it’s just busy with work and his music stuff
I’m starting college this spring again so but it’s online and I want to go back while I study
I think my attachment style is an anxious avoidant. I’m obsessively intensely thinking about him and dreaming about him, but I’m not acting clingy or spamming him or seeking reassurance and stuff. I’m trying to distract myself and be productive.
I’m an INFJ female. A fairly extroverted one if this makes any difference at all? I find myself weirdly drawn to INTP’s. Anytime I watch something on tv and find myself drawn to a person (which is very rare in general) I google their mbti out of interest and they come up as INTP.
I can’t explain it, so came on here wondering if anyone else posted this question? Then I see that even the flair selection says “INFJ with a question about love”. Which is funny because I’ve never thought about this before, so it’s a thing?
My question is, is this mutual? Do we work well in relationships or is this my Limerence talking? I tend to mostly attract XSTP’s and XNFP’s but I often feel there’s something missing. Intellectually I think? Not so much the emotional depth!
There must be some logical understanding as to why I have this continual attraction to INTP types over every other type.
Direct question: Which MBTI type do you usually find most romantically attractive? Why? Is there a pattern?
I don't know if cognitive functions could somehow explain it. The type of person I'm most romantically attracted to are ESTJs, even though I've never seen an INTP in love with ESTJs.
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a friend of mine (INTP guy). I absolutely hate him but I can't come to. we started off as friends, I like to think we still are. same clg we've known each other for 8 months and we literally are tgt everyday. he always asks for head scratches, unintentional hand holding while talking, playing with my fingers and hair. he's an amazing person, we mostly debate on politics and life. I like the way his brain works ( so don't be surprised when I say I might have had a crush). he can read me like an open book. might dare to say he knows everything abt me.
I have trust issues, bro's is worse. he's always told that he has no need for women in his life except for sex( is this intp behaviour like wtf). plus not like I was expecting this to go anywhere. but recently he's started hurting me intentionally, like he's trying to push me away. I adore him. He told me to know my limits when I unknowingly dropped his toy car( trust me he did that intentionally I dropped it on carpet) I apologized immediately. like days later on a different Convo I told him that sentence hurt me. he started using it randomly, I go to his seat, he says to know my limits and stop disturbing him. I say sorry and leave. another couple of times. one day, I went to share a cake someone else gave me and he ATE it. and casually says I need to learn to have self respect. like bro you were asking for head scratches adamantly like last week. I had my limit. I did not talk again.
I think he is a sweet guy, why is he doing this to me? I'm just trying to understand his behaviour coz I have a little self respect. this behaviour is over the span of 1.5 to 2 months. he knows he's hurting me and does it anyway.
Bhaiii as an 17F INTP mene notice kia hai log mujhe bohot hi pasand bhi karte hai or na bhi I mean they call me too straight,blunt or stubborn. Meanwhile ladke bolte hai your one of the bros😭😭😭.bhaiii it's like I feel like I have to become this very sweet,bubbly girl whose nice to everyone scarifices everything just to be likeable and considered as a girl.And girls are like we love you your the man of our group😭😭. I genuinely have no problem with my friend circle but sometimes I just wanna be loved yaar😭😭😭
ENFJ (f31) and I’ve been with my now fiancé INTP (31m) for nine years. But I fell in love with him when I was 17 and always knew we’d be together.
It hasn’t always been easy. Bf is a smart guy, very loving, fascinating conversationalist and would do anything for me. He’s also AuDHD… and I’m tired.
He cannot keep a job. It’s been years and he gets fired for calling in sick too often. I get it, work is overwhelming. But he’s now been unemployed since August and we have to move back in with my mum. Great.
Important to note. He has previously lied about his finances - around three times - getting into debt. Mainly from not being able to budget. I do believe we’ve moved past this but I definitely don’t blindly trust him anymore.
He wants to go into veterinary nursing but he needs a job to pay for driving lessons first. He is not educated beyond A-Levels (courses you can take in the UK between age 16-18). I have a bachelor’s degree and a steady job. As we live in the UK the job market is shocking.
I love him. I believe he does want to work. I often get very angry at him for the situation we’re in but mainly the lack of stability.
Should I break up with him? I really don’t want to. I do love him but I often feel like his mum. Even just some insight on WHY IS HE LIKE THIS.
heyo! i'm INFJ myself, been in a relationship with a handsome(albeit messy) INTP fella for last 10 months. finding how "i'm an infj with questions about love" flair already exists pretty hilarious btw.
over the course it's been only getting better and better, but the biggest obstacle i had in the beginning stage of our relationship was how infrequent(almost non existent) or awkward my INTP bf was about expressing affection/interest over text. no random cute texts throughout the day, let alone "how's your day been" texts. he's a sweetheart in person, and i found this disparity a bit disconcerting- now i know it's because he was bad at communicating this sort of things.
i heard this is pretty common among INTPs- especially not really asking someone "how's your day been" or "how are you" etc. after a lot of teaching by example and earnest conversations he's gotten a lot better at it, i get surprise lovey dovey voice note every once in a blue moon and he'd randomly text me wishing me a good day and how he loves me and cares about me. of course he's not the most romantic in these messages, but that's a huge improvement that i appreciate. he's much more affectionate when i express first.
i don't complain about it, better than love bombing for sure. the improvement over time alone made me get much assured about his feelings for me, and i think it'll get better further.
also curiously i've dated 2 INTPs before(i'm a bit of xNTP magnet) and both were more on the clingy side, so of course everyone's a bit different.
anyways i have a question- are you guys really BAD at it, or do you just NOT want to do it? (i.e. don't feel the need for it) what's the thought process that you guys go through to not be all lovey dovey cutesy wutesy even when you feel strongly for someone? because i'm a bit jealous of that nonchalance haha
Im (entj f) in a newish relationship with an Intp (m), we already broke up once, and are having lots of fights... How much fighting is actually normal? What do others fight about? How do you repair?
It is pretty damn great with him, funny, super smart, kind, very good at Fe when he needs to be gentle. But I am also worried we misunderstand what each others actions and needs are. Conflict is so draining coz we become each other (which is kinda interesting on an mbti analysis front), I detach "nothing matters", hes like entj abrupt and rude (lols). I enjoy plans, he enjoys unplanned life...how do other couple make this work? What would an Intp like entj to know?
We are in our 30s.
I'm a typical INTP. I'm honest, independent, and above all curious. These traits lead me to have extremely high standards for close friendships, of which I'd say I'm lucky enough to have several.
But there's one person who's really special to me. We understand each other in all the important ways, in terms of humor, social nature, lifestyle, aspirations, academics. We've had our ups and downs early on in the friendship but found our way back and are better than ever. Above all, we click incredibly well on an intellectual level. For more context, we used to go to highschool together, but I'm now abroad, and we see each other max once a year, so our interactions are mostly over text with the occasional call. Now, I'd label both of us as sub-par texters, and I definitely tend to get exhausted keeping up with a conversation on text. Yet the two of us have conversed over text every single day for the last couple of YEARS, and it is NEVER mundane or boring. I smile like a lunatic when we text. When we do call, it's usually exceptionally long (our record might be 8 hours) and there won't be a single minute where I'm bored (by the next day, I'd be wishing I could call her again).
None of my other closest friends make me feel this seen, and whatever relationship I have with this person, I know it's extremely rare. As much as I don't want to ruin the friendship, I know it's time to say something, and I think we can both intellectualize my feelings and move on with a friendship if that's what it's going to be.
But. I'm struggling to find the words to encompass what she means to me. You guys get it, how much it takes for us INTPs to feel 'understood', how the best compliment I can fathom is for her to be 'interesting'. My desire to talk to her all the time, to figure out how she thinks and why, to know her better than anyone, is basically our version of an 'I love you'. Obviously I'm not going to be saying the latter. However the weight of the rest of it is fairly lost on anyone but people that value intellect as much as INTPs. What I'm trying to say is, what's a more digestible way of expressing these feelings to other personality types? How can I not imply that she's just someone I like to talk to, and instead help her understand the gravitas of me feeling like I can be 100% authentic around her?
tldr; need to confess to crush. spectrum of instinctive responses ranges from 'your brain is amazing' to 'ily' with nothing in between. Help me expand the in between subset please.