u/JadiePi

I was speaking to someone about why I felt like I had to do more and I mentioned how much it felt like my avoidant was constantly playing hard to get.

I was asked “Were they playing hard to get or were you playing hard to get rid of?”

And now I feel so silly! Wish I took larger steps back. I don’t know if that makes me more avoidant, but I definitely don’t want to pour as much as I did into anyone who will treat me like a crazed, annoying fan. I think I’m no longer a lover girl.

After my DA experience, I have spent time alone initially because it was hard for me to enjoy myself around friends and family. Especially since no one understands your experience like yourself. I still occasionally spend time alone and recognized that I can only address what I can change.
Yes, it hurts. But I ask why? What made it hurt and what can I change? We all know our partners/family could deal with a lot of changing themselves, but you cannot control what people do. You cannot prevent someone from cheating, lying, or being disrespectful. It’s disappointing, but you cannot control how others speak to you or control their thoughts and actions. This goes for any and everyone you know.
I would always describe myself as a lover girl, but I know it should not be at the cost of self-sacrificing or overextending myself.

Here’s what I learned and what I will apply to myself moving forward for ALL relationships (friends, family, etc):

1. Always accept good and never minimize yourself. Stop telling yourself you are not worthy, do not cheapen yourself. Accept the compliments, accept the gifts, accept whatever you don’t feel good enough for. The moment you lose sight of this, the more likely it is for you to accept breadcrumbs. Don’t believe me? Look at how many of us would do anything for a simple, kind text back.

2. Set your boundaries and stick to them. If you don’t appreciate something or dislike an action/behaviour, you don’t have to tolerate it. It’s does not make you mean and you do not have to act numb, cold or run away. Simply say if you continue to do this, I will do this. E.g. if you continue to mock me, I will not engage with you. Raise yourself and your standards higher than your parents, friends, family, partners etc ever did. And if they drop lower… do not follow. You can assert yourself and still be kind. You can say “this doesn’t work for me,” and have healthy relationships… AND DONT try backpedaling to soften the blow either! WAIT and allow the other person to process that you won’t accept lower. For people pleasers and empaths, it’ll be uncomfortable but it’s healthy to for yourself AND others to experience emotions other than happiness 24/7. You’re not Fix-it Felix.

3. Following #2, sometimes it doesn’t even require speech. In fact, stop the therapy speech (but still go to therapy). As helpful as you’re trying to be, the long discussions are not needed because in any relationship, some things simply can go without saying. You’ve seen how they operated at the start (even if it was mirroring), but we’re all grown, so we can learn to adapt and understand. Employees, children, even animals learn through boundaries. So pullback your energy and pour it into yourself. You’re allowed to be mad if you feel mad. Don’t rush to patch things up if your underlying feelings don’t align. Same goes for sadness or any other emotion. Take time to yourself to address how you feel regardless of how it’s perceived. Even if others feel guilty or disappointed, the same concept applies to them. That’s what THEY must address in the very same way. It is not your problem. Do not gloss over your pain or rush to bounce back. It’s okay to say you need time for yourself and okay to say no.

4. If you have a physical feeling or ache that something isn’t right (even if it’s a small gut feeling), it’s a sign you need to prioritize yourself. I feel like as an anxious individual, I used to take it as a sign that I needed to do more or that I was failing. WRONG! Stop pouring into a BOTTOMLESS cup, because pouring more to no avail only makes your cup run verrrry low, and now you’re asking why they can’t pour back. They’re in a mood, they switched up, etc? Good for them, that’s their problem not yours. You’re allowed to feel sorry for them while also choosing to be happy in the present. Free your mind! Do what makes you feel good! That could look like a spa day, shopping, painting your nails, walking, gym time, baking, journaling, etc. Anything that brings you joy. If you can’t think of anything… THAT is a problem and sign that you are sacrificing/overextending yourself.

Sidenote : In a pinch, I like to go outside around nature or light a nice candle and then inhale slowly through my nose for 4 seconds, hold for 5 seconds, slowly exhale through my mouth (with a humming sound) for 6 seconds and then hold after for 4 seconds, then repeat! I know there’s something incredibly scientific about humming, which is seen in meditation or even the occasional sigh that just helps your nervous system.

5. Do you remember those days where they might have said “I’ve never asked you to,” “You can leave if you want,” etc. It is a cold sentiment, but also a lesson(s) for yourself. Reciprocity (or lack of it) shouldn’t be tied to your self worth! Your sense of security for the relationship should not be conditional on whether they don’t do/do something. Stop comparing yourself/your relationship to others! It may be a personal opinion, but don’t do one damn thing if you expect something back, even it’s minor! If you hate cooking, cleaning, etc and you do it because you think doing more will reap more results pleaaaase don’t do it. You’ll only grow resentment… And while you may be doing things out of fear that you’ll lose the relationship, you’re not showing the love like you imagined… you’re simply displaying your fear of abandonment. This applies to your parents, friends, partner, etc. Stop the curse of people pleasing. You can always WANT something and set standards/boundaries, but you shouldn’t necessarily expect anything. This is why people recommend prenups, or bringing extra money on dates. You never know what can happen, therefore don’t hinge your life on it.

6. This ties 4 & 5. Do find things you can hinge your life on. This is your life! Free your mind! This is why hobbies are important! Find something you enjoy and where you can express yourself. Find another where you can connect with other people. Even if you’re a chronic hobby collector who isn’t consistent with one, that’s fine. Play music, dance, sing, hike, flip, eat, travel, it doesn’t matter. Do what you enjoy! Hang with friends and family! Humans need connection! Your world should never revolve around one person. You don’t need to rearrange your life, schedules, and time just to make it work. Do not die from stressing out! Seek happiness every time and sit with/through your emotions. A healthy mind is soo important. If you are constantly waiting for something, or waiting on a text, or prepping for someone’s arrival, rushing to meet them, planning on future scenarios that could occur and getting stuck in your mind hypothesizing what you’ll have to say or do next, THAT IS A SIGN that your anxiety is taking over and you need to pour into yourself. Free your mind!! If anyone you revered, or placed on a pedestal were to suddenly disappear with a snap of your fingers, what would you do? In fact if everyone disappeared, what concepts/rules or ways of thinking would you eventually drop? Stop trying to be perfect and do you.

7. Finally, remember you are not necessarily your thoughts but your actions. Intentions are simply intentions. You can say you have hobbies, but if you don’t partake in any hobbies, you’re just thinking. Take action! Have you not learned from your experience? Has anyone ever said to you that they didn’t intend to do you wrong, but did the opposite every time? You are a reflection of what you do, even if you meant well. You can’t have boundaries if you’re walked on/always brush it off, you can’t be at peace if you’re taking action to sabotage yourself, you can’t love yourself if you don’t pour into yourself. You cannot free your mind if you’ve bound yourself to certainty.