u/JadiePi

I’m a 24f isfj, we’re the same age. 2+ yrs dating together.

It’s been 5 months post breakup due to incompatibility, although I saw it differently. I have always had good intentions but realized only afterwards that he thought I was extremely judgmental. I’ve taken a lot of time to myself and delved into philosophical readings to understand myself better and I understand how I present so much more than before.

To make matters complicated, we lived together and I had to move out, but a lot of my things remain there due to space constraints. I have seen him over the course of these months and it’s been messy.
The first month, I hadn’t seen him other than him dropping things off quickly, and he tried to rekindle but took it back after I brought up concerns.
He saw me 2 months later, and after I had picked up my things and happily chatted with him, he texted me lovingly. He told me he couldn’t see himself with anyone else, how he saw my smile and couldn’t stop thinking about me.

Then he started talking about wanting to get married and how we could start anew and work together.
That “he’d rather be miserable with me, than happy without.” It saddened me to hear it and these statements were pretty out of character.
I’ve never seen him text so quickly and as much at such a late hour, especially in this manner. I noticed he sort of spoke in hypotheticals and pointed it out. Knowing him, I believed he would regret all these statements and probably blame it on lack of sleep. He asked me out on a date for the next day, and I said I’d bite, but that I knew before work he’d change his mind. I was right. He said he thought about our incompatibilities and doesn’t want to repeat it all again. That was that.

Overtime, I picked up my things roughly up to every 3 weeks even though I barely could accommodate things, but I just wanted to see him. During one pickup, one of my heel’s wedges completely broke into pieces, as I left the apartment. I returned to grab backup shoes, and one thing led to another… I hate how much chemistry we have. He would say that he’d hope we’d someday get together, just not now.

The pickups continued and sometimes he’d even hit me up to “remind” me of things I might need and gradually the intimacy became more frequent until I distanced myself. Then one day he randomly called (I missed it) saying he was searching for something but said nvm. I somehow knew he wanted to talk about us and we ended up meeting. He spoke about how he missed me and wanted to get back together, how he’s surrounded by all the furniture I assembled, how he’s texted and spoke to people and that he misses me. I saw a message and it was just that... “I miss my wife.” Not a crazy declaration lol but I know he doesn’t text his friends in such a way anyhow. I didn’t believe him, but that day we spent time being a couple and it felt like old times again.

When I repeated if he wanted to date, he gradually became wish-washy. I won’t lie, I became a bit emotional and cried telling him I wish we’d never met. He stopped me before leaving and asked if I could just stay and he’d return after work. I agreed, finished some work on my laptop… fidgeted as I do and deep cleaned the messy apartment. He came back but didn’t address anything… we finally settled on some sort of dating trial, but he said he felt like a douchebag since he didn’t feel comfortable hanging out, but enjoyed the intimacy. I ended it days later because he kept repeating it.

Now we still hookup every once in a while, and he sometimes drops statements of what he disliked or how he felt during specific moments when we dated. It sort of breaks my heart but simultaneously helps me realize things about myself. I just wished he told me before. I was always open to listen. He says I’m much more mature now and wish I were before. Then tells me I’ll find someone better, or more extroverted, or more different… but I never wanted to change him. I just wanted to know him better. He’s comfortable telling me what he wants in women, while saying he doesn’t want a relationship but wants them to believe he does. It’s heartbreaking to hear, since he says he’s taken up this mindset after me.

These months were brutal. As sick as it sounds I love him so much more now, as he’s as honest and authentic to me as ever. It’s all I ever wanted, since he started to simply tolerate me towards the end. He said I just miss what we could have been, but I replay the past—good and bad. I just like him as he is right now. Less guarded and real. We both became too passive before. I need to move on, but I love even our simple chats. He lights up and tells me things, and it’s warm. I’m a bit relieved that he isn’t seeing anyone, but I feel manipulative as well, even though he sarcastically gloats about not having to search for anyone due to this messy situation. Unfortunately, my memories can play like movie scenes and ranges all the way to the age of 4, so there’s no forgetting. I wish I could just block things out as he does. I probably shouldn’t mention my feelings.

Overcame…or overcoming a breakup, around 5 months out, with 2+ years together. I have a hard time setting boundaries with ex, while knowing he doesn’t feel the same way I do. I sort of hate myself for it, but other times I feel empowered.

We separated on grounds of incompatibility, I believe he’s an INTP. I really thought we worked but we both were too passive with issues (building resentment) and I—pretty judgmental. I believe I’m taking it 10x harder than he is and it pains me, but it’s not like anything I’ve ever experienced before. I’ve had previous partners, but I haven’t reached the same level of vulnerability. I think I’ve let down my walls completely with him and it’s something I haven’t even fully done with any of my family.

I sort of isolated myself and went into a philosophical book dive, which surprisingly became a great comfort to understanding myself much better. My siblings noticed my seclusion and took me out a bunch to hang/live with them and sometimes with their spouses, and I love it. I’m experiencing so much that I haven’t before. But I’m just not always there… and when I am, I can become a filler person or an npc. Same with friends. I feel like I often dissociate and I’m reliving memories of my past when I connect to familiar things from during my relationship. I also notice I often say things like “ex and I used to do that too!” and am realizing that it makes others uncomfortable. I’ve stopped, but it’s hard when you’ve done so much together. He was honestly my best friend and I want to hate him so badly, and I should for so much but I can’t. A lot of people mention I’m mourning what could have been, but I’m not. All I see is what was. The good and the bad. I get upset, happy and angry and then I’m in a forgiving mood.

I’ve tried making new friends, and it starts off so well, but it’s clear that these interactions slowly want to become more intimate which sours things (both men and women—I’m straight). I feel like no one likes or understands me… or perhaps I’m too boring (which I admittedly am lol), but I sort of like it that way, because it’s me. Although, I believe that’s why it defaults to these weird intimate-vibe interactions. I don’t like super mainstream things and my hobbies aren’t exactly HOBBIES, but I can be very passionate about random things.

I love my friends, family, etc., but I feel guilty for wanting to be alone now. I feel like I reach a heightened state of clarity by being on my own, although it’s nice to surround myself with them. Part of me wants to go out and mingle more, but a massive part of me is telling me I’ve had enough. I’m really tired. Time moves so quickly for me and it’s like I’ve been in my head for ages. I feel a bit like a loser lol. I’ve been surrounding myself in nature and I’m more attentive to myself, but I think the limerence is killing me slowly in tiny ways and all I can do is let it pass through me. One thing for sure, is that I don’t ever want to be that vulnerable again. I think I’m probably better off alone and as cliche as that sounds, perhaps I’m meant to connect with others in forms of giving.

I really believed myself to be infp, but I think when taking tests I select how I want to present as, subconsciously. I know that a lot of these tests online aren’t entirely accurate, but when breaking down each type, I found that I may resemble an infj.

Generally though, when it comes to interactions with others I feel greatly misunderstood but also have an odd feeling that I don’t know myself well enough to make certain judgments. One thing that stood out to me was the possibility of masking, and I’m wondering where is the line drawn between just making everyone comfortable/blending in vs masking? Or what is considered masking? Doesn’t it come down to your intent?

Lastly, do you think it’s possible to present as a different type under stress?

Also (last question) what are some odd traits that are specific to you that might be influenced by your type/stack?

My favourite book is The Plague Tales by Ann Benson. It has a dual narrative and is quite adventurous in its own unique way.

What genres do you like? I’ve been trying to delve into philosophical books, etc., but I also want to read novels with great adventure and character development. It makes me feel like I’m learning with them along the journey. Preferably one with little to no sequels (it is my peculiarly biased opinion that a great book doesn’t really need one).

I think I’m continuously learning how to deal with triggers with friends/family, I have a good grasp of attachment theory, and I understand that the stable indicators of love is:
- ongoing care independent of mood;
- reconnection/repair without the need for emotional crisis to reset things;
- a realistic perception of flaws without idealizing or devaluing;
- choice without panic and growth of steadiness over time.

The only issue I was facing was, with our attachment tendencies, how would you know if you loved them or not? How do you know if you were even loved? Or better yet, how would you identify it in the future?

We all might do most, some, or none of the things I’ve listed above. But what percentage of it was our attachment system trying to solve something unfinished? If our styles distort love, amplifies it, obscures it and becomes tangled up with it how do we know if we love others? I believe more than ever, that the presence of attachment dynamics or wounds don’t automatically invalidate the genuine care, attraction, admiration and connection felt between partners. Despite what anyone says in the end.

In the same way, I also think that when some avoidants say that there is an incompatibility, there is. Not necessarily in the love you both had for each other, but in the way you acknowledged what love entails overtime. I remember during the heights of my frustration I would always say that my DA didn’t care. That he was selfish, and that he only cared about himself. That he acted happier/good with friends and family, but never gave the same energy with me (which also was a huge contrast to earlier stages of the relationship). This was all VERY true to me, but not to him because he felt he did care and the way he presented was solely based on how “at peace” he felt. I felt like there was less emotional responsiveness. Like emotional attunement (How he REALLY felt), less empathy during distress, less softness in conflict, less reassurance without asking, etc. All things that I felt I was naturally giving him. His version of care was completely different though. His marker of love was more of a behavioural/logistical care—“I did A,B, C for you and provided these things for you… I wouldn’t have done such for anyone else… I am physically present even though I might not feel at peace doing so… (and at times)… I have never told/shown anyone XYZ about myself.”

To me, those were simply a given, but I started to realize I might not have shown much love (from HIS perspective). In addition, he probably heard the things I’ve listed and similarly thought “isn’t that a given? To be soft in conflict, to give reassurance, to be empathetic, etc. Isn’t that what you naturally just do if you love/care?” What he didn’t realize is that it wasn’t necessarily my baseline either. At times I did find it difficult to be soft, to be empathetic, and to openly give reassurance regardless of reciprocity. I guess that’s where my hot/cold comes from. Point is, we both looked very hypocritical and selfish to each other. Each of us sacrificing our peace in ways that aren’t natural to us. If there is no compromise and/or a basic understanding of what we even consider a compromise/sacrifice, we will always look at our self-sacrifice as a standard behaviour or action. A clear example is the fact that I am typically not very affectionate, but naturally am when I feel extremely open/vulnerable. He would never know that me showing my affectionate side is indeed a big step/ out of character for my baseline. Not to say, that I can never be affectionate. Similarily, whenever he opened up about something—indicating that it’s something he never shared (even if it’s surface-level in depth to me), that was to be accounted as something huge/out of character for him. Overtime, when you get used to these things, I think we forget that the things we do, might not be what feels natural to each other. We see that we are capable of regulating ourselves, showing up when you don’t naturally feel to, setting boundaries when anxious/not setting any at all and assume that we have mastered our security, when growth isn’t that linear. My perception of how love is shown is just different (and perhaps more common than his). So in a nutshell, I did love and have loved before. This was certainly more intense, but I have accepted that I cannot expect anything from others nor should I want to have expectations held over me—including friends, family, etc. I can certainly hope and want more from them, which is natural to do as human beings. However, I recognize that it isn’t based on the present. I can only love, set boundaries, and control whatever I can… which should only be and is myself!

I was speaking to someone about why I felt like I had to do more and I mentioned how much it felt like my avoidant was constantly playing hard to get.

I was asked “Were they playing hard to get or were you playing hard to get rid of?”

And now I feel so silly! Wish I took larger steps back. I don’t know if that makes me more avoidant, but I definitely don’t want to pour as much as I did into anyone who will treat me like a crazed, annoying fan. I think I’m no longer a lover girl.

After my DA experience, I have spent time alone initially because it was hard for me to enjoy myself around friends and family. Especially since no one understands your experience like yourself. I still occasionally spend time alone and recognized that I can only address what I can change.
Yes, it hurts. But I ask why? What made it hurt and what can I change? We all know our partners/family could deal with a lot of changing themselves, but you cannot control what people do. You cannot prevent someone from cheating, lying, or being disrespectful. It’s disappointing, but you cannot control how others speak to you or control their thoughts and actions. This goes for any and everyone you know.
I would always describe myself as a lover girl, but I know it should not be at the cost of self-sacrificing or overextending myself.

Here’s what I learned and what I will apply to myself moving forward for ALL relationships (friends, family, etc):

1. Always accept good and never minimize yourself. Stop telling yourself you are not worthy, do not cheapen yourself. Accept the compliments, accept the gifts, accept whatever you don’t feel good enough for. The moment you lose sight of this, the more likely it is for you to accept breadcrumbs. Don’t believe me? Look at how many of us would do anything for a simple, kind text back.

2. Set your boundaries and stick to them. If you don’t appreciate something or dislike an action/behaviour, you don’t have to tolerate it. It’s does not make you mean and you do not have to act numb, cold or run away. Simply say if you continue to do this, I will do this. E.g. if you continue to mock me, I will not engage with you. Raise yourself and your standards higher than your parents, friends, family, partners etc ever did. And if they drop lower… do not follow. You can assert yourself and still be kind. You can say “this doesn’t work for me,” and have healthy relationships… AND DONT try backpedaling to soften the blow either! WAIT and allow the other person to process that you won’t accept lower. For people pleasers and empaths, it’ll be uncomfortable but it’s healthy to for yourself AND others to experience emotions other than happiness 24/7. You’re not Fix-it Felix.

3. Following #2, sometimes it doesn’t even require speech. In fact, stop the therapy speech (but still go to therapy). As helpful as you’re trying to be, the long discussions are not needed because in any relationship, some things simply can go without saying. You’ve seen how they operated at the start (even if it was mirroring), but we’re all grown, so we can learn to adapt and understand. Employees, children, even animals learn through boundaries. So pullback your energy and pour it into yourself. You’re allowed to be mad if you feel mad. Don’t rush to patch things up if your underlying feelings don’t align. Same goes for sadness or any other emotion. Take time to yourself to address how you feel regardless of how it’s perceived. Even if others feel guilty or disappointed, the same concept applies to them. That’s what THEY must address in the very same way. It is not your problem. Do not gloss over your pain or rush to bounce back. It’s okay to say you need time for yourself and okay to say no.

4. If you have a physical feeling or ache that something isn’t right (even if it’s a small gut feeling), it’s a sign you need to prioritize yourself. I feel like as an anxious individual, I used to take it as a sign that I needed to do more or that I was failing. WRONG! Stop pouring into a BOTTOMLESS cup, because pouring more to no avail only makes your cup run verrrry low, and now you’re asking why they can’t pour back. They’re in a mood, they switched up, etc? Good for them, that’s their problem not yours. You’re allowed to feel sorry for them while also choosing to be happy in the present. Free your mind! Do what makes you feel good! That could look like a spa day, shopping, painting your nails, walking, gym time, baking, journaling, etc. Anything that brings you joy. If you can’t think of anything… THAT is a problem and sign that you are sacrificing/overextending yourself.

Sidenote : In a pinch, I like to go outside around nature or light a nice candle and then inhale slowly through my nose for 4 seconds, hold for 5 seconds, slowly exhale through my mouth (with a humming sound) for 6 seconds and then hold after for 4 seconds, then repeat! I know there’s something incredibly scientific about humming, which is seen in meditation or even the occasional sigh that just helps your nervous system.

5. Do you remember those days where they might have said “I’ve never asked you to,” “You can leave if you want,” etc. It is a cold sentiment, but also a lesson(s) for yourself. Reciprocity (or lack of it) shouldn’t be tied to your self worth! Your sense of security for the relationship should not be conditional on whether they don’t do/do something. Stop comparing yourself/your relationship to others! It may be a personal opinion, but don’t do one damn thing if you expect something back, even it’s minor! If you hate cooking, cleaning, etc and you do it because you think doing more will reap more results pleaaaase don’t do it. You’ll only grow resentment… And while you may be doing things out of fear that you’ll lose the relationship, you’re not showing the love like you imagined… you’re simply displaying your fear of abandonment. This applies to your parents, friends, partner, etc. Stop the curse of people pleasing. You can always WANT something and set standards/boundaries, but you shouldn’t necessarily expect anything. This is why people recommend prenups, or bringing extra money on dates. You never know what can happen, therefore don’t hinge your life on it.

6. This ties 4 & 5. Do find things you can hinge your life on. This is your life! Free your mind! This is why hobbies are important! Find something you enjoy and where you can express yourself. Find another where you can connect with other people. Even if you’re a chronic hobby collector who isn’t consistent with one, that’s fine. Play music, dance, sing, hike, flip, eat, travel, it doesn’t matter. Do what you enjoy! Hang with friends and family! Humans need connection! Your world should never revolve around one person. You don’t need to rearrange your life, schedules, and time just to make it work. Do not die from stressing out! Seek happiness every time and sit with/through your emotions. A healthy mind is soo important. If you are constantly waiting for something, or waiting on a text, or prepping for someone’s arrival, rushing to meet them, planning on future scenarios that could occur and getting stuck in your mind hypothesizing what you’ll have to say or do next, THAT IS A SIGN that your anxiety is taking over and you need to pour into yourself. Free your mind!! If anyone you revered, or placed on a pedestal were to suddenly disappear with a snap of your fingers, what would you do? In fact if everyone disappeared, what concepts/rules or ways of thinking would you eventually drop? Stop trying to be perfect and do you.

7. Finally, remember you are not necessarily your thoughts but your actions. Intentions are simply intentions. You can say you have hobbies, but if you don’t partake in any hobbies, you’re just thinking. Take action! Have you not learned from your experience? Has anyone ever said to you that they didn’t intend to do you wrong, but did the opposite every time? You are a reflection of what you do, even if you meant well. You can’t have boundaries if you’re walked on/always brush it off, you can’t be at peace if you’re taking action to sabotage yourself, you can’t love yourself if you don’t pour into yourself. You cannot free your mind if you’ve bound yourself to certainty.