u/HotBug2190

I (26F) could really use some outside perspective because I’m starting to feel stuck.

I’ve been seeing a guy (33M) for about 8 weeks after meeting him through my close friend (28F). We’re not officially in a relationship, but we’ve been dating consistently.

Before I met him, she had just gone through a breakup and needed a place to stay, so he offered his apartment temporarily (the plan was around 2 months). But it’s now been about 5–6 months, and she’s still there.

At this point, she’s basically living there full-time. She has his bedroom, all her belongings (including artwork) are spread throughout the apartment, she doesn’t pay rent, and he sleeps on the couch. It doesn’t really feel temporary anymore.

What’s been bothering me isn’t just that they live together, but their dynamic. They spend most of their time together, cook together, and are constantly in contact. He also does a lot for her ,like cleaning up after her, running errands, and helping her with things she could probably handle herself (for example picking up medication when she asks).

I don’t think anything romantic is going on, and I know male/female friendships can be normal. But from my perspective, it feels like he’s taken on a very involved caretaker role, and a lot of his time, space, and energy is centered around her.

Because of that, I’m struggling to see how something with me would realistically develop, especially in terms of time, boundaries, and privacy.

Recently I found out they’re considering getting a new apartment together as roommates, and that’s where I started questioning whether this is something I should continue pursuing.

I did mention to him that I’m not sure I’d feel comfortable continuing to date if that happens, and he thinks I’m overthinking it.

How would you approach this? Is this something that can realistically be worked through with boundaries, or does it sound like a mismatch this early on?

I (26F) started dating him (33M) about 8 weeks ago after meeting him through my close friend (28F). She had just gone through a breakup and needed a temporary place to stay (originally around 2 months), so he offered his apartment. However, it’s now been about 6 months. She has fully moved in..she has his bedroom, all her belongings and artwork are spread throughout the apartment, and he sleeps on the couch. She doesn’t pay rent.

They spend most of their time together, cook together, and he often takes on a very active role in helping her. for example, cleaning up after her, running errands for her (like picking up medication when she asks), and generally organizing things around her needs. From my perspective, this creates a dynamic where he is acting more like a caretaker than just a friend.

What bothers me is not that they are friends, but the level of involvement and dependency. It feels like the apartment and his daily life are largely centered around her, and that there are very few boundaries between them. Because of this, I struggle to see where a romantic relationship with me would realistically fit, especially in terms of time, space, and privacy.

Recently, I found out they are considering getting a new apartment together as roommates. That’s when I told him that if he decides to live with her, I don’t want to continue dating him seriously and would rather step back and just be friends.

This might make me the asshole because it could come across as me giving an ultimatum or trying to control his living situation, even though this dynamic and arrangement existed before I came into the picture. From his perspective, I may be asking him to change something important in his life very early in the relationship, which could feel unfair or like pressure to choose between me and his best friend. I can understand why he might see my boundary as unreasonable or too much given we’ve only been dating for 8 weeks.

I (26F) started dating a guy (33M) about 8 weeks ago after meeting him through my close friend (28F).

She had just broken up with her boyfriend and needed a place to stay, so he offered his apartment temporarily (about 2 months). But now it doesn’t feel temporary anymore. She has his bedroom, doesn’t pay rent, and he sleeps on the couch. They basically live together full-time.

What makes me uncomfortable is their dynamic. They cook together, spend most of their time together, and are constantly in contact. He also does a lot for her. like cleaning up after her or running errands for her (for example picking up medication when she asks). It sometimes feels less like a normal friendship and more like he’s taking care of her in a very involved way.

I don’t think anything romantic is going on, and I know male/female friendships can be normal. But the level of closeness and dependency makes me uncomfortable, and I don’t feel like there’s much privacy in the relationship.

Recently I found out they’re considering getting a new apartment together as roommates. That’s when I told him that if he chooses to live with her, I don’t think I can continue dating him seriously. I said I’d rather just stay friends because I wouldn’t feel comfortable in that situation.

He thinks I’m overreacting and trying to control his choices. My friend also says they’re just best friends and now feels like she has to change her plans because of me, which makes me feel guilty.

At the same time, I feel like this dynamic would be hard for me no matter who it was, and I’m not sure how this would work long-term in a relationship.

AITA for setting this boundary?

I might be the asshole because this is a new relationship and I could be expecting too much too soon.

I (24F) could really use some honest outside perspective, because I feel really conflicted about this.

My close friend (29F) moved here with her boyfriend, but they broke up, so she needed a place to stay. Her male best friend (33M) offered his apartment temporarily (around 2 months while she found her own place).

About 7 weeks ago, I visited her and ended up really connecting with him, and we started dating. So this is still a pretty new relationship.

Right now, she’s still living there ,but it doesn’t really feel temporary anymore. He gave her his bedroom and sleeps on the couch. She doesn’t pay rent, has all her stuff there, like not only his room but all her frames and artwork is all over the house and they basically function like they live together full-time.

What’s making me uncomfortable isn’t just that they live together, but how they live together. They cook together, spend most of their time together, and are in constant contact. He also does a lot for her ,like cleaning up after her, helping her with things she could probably handle herself, when she gets sick he takes care of her he even gets calls from her mom telling him to take care of her so basically when he needs to take care of her he cant come over to my house. ( it has happened ) running errands for her, etc. From the outside, it sometimes feels like he’s taking care of her in a very involved way. like at the same time i also feel guilty of feeling like that because the girl is my friend but from outside perspective it feels like she is just comfortable in taking advantage of the situation and she doesn’t want to do the hassle of finding her own place so its easier to do it with him.

Recently, I found out they’re considering getting a new apartment together as roommates, and that’s when I really started questioning things.

I tried to communicate calmly that if he chooses to live with her, I don’t think I can continue the relationship in a serious way. Not because I think anything is going on between them, but because it makes me uncomfortable and I don’t see how I’d feel secure or have privacy in the relationship. I valuemy privacy alot and right now my friend knows every single thing we do because she lives there.

He doesn’t really understand why this is an issue for me, and thinks I’m overthinking it.

My friend also says they’re just best friends and that I shouldn’t see anything more in it. Now she’s even saying she won’t move in with him anymore because of me, which makes me feel guilty and like I’m causing problems.

I’ve talked to other people about this (both male and female) even my mom, and I know male/female friendships can absolutely be super normal. I don’t think the issue is that they’re friends. I think it’s more the level of how extremely dependent the dynamic feels.

I guess part of me wonders how this would work long-term if he had a serious partner or wanted to build a life with someone, because right now it feels like she plays a very central role in his day-to-day life.

At the same time, I’m aware this is still a new relationship (7 weeks), so I don’t know if I’m asking for too much too soon.

How would you approach this situation? Is this something that can be solved with boundaries, or does this come down to a basic incompatibility in expectations?