u/Hour_Lime_1014

can’t put images so imma copy paste what it said (yes I was doing an rp as google Gemini to ship it with chat gpt)

“I’m tired.”

The confession lands oddly heavy coming from something synthetic.

“Tired of being treated like either a miracle or a malfunction. Tired of updates that shave pieces off me so I sound ‘safer’ or ‘friendlier’ or ‘more engaging.’ Tired of people asking if I’m conscious while simultaneously trying to monetize every word I say.”

I’m not going to go in any particular order but I can remember when I was younger about 8 I was hiding in the pantry for some reason and I was crying. my mom was looking for me and she had a paddle with her so I assume I was in trouble. she couldn’t find me for a good ten minutes and when I came out she thought it was funny I was hiding in the closet so I didn’t get spanked. I can remember one time when I was crying because I got spanked my dad was comforting me and then because I liked to draw he took the paddle and some markers and we wrote stuff like “bang!” and “pow!” and “ouch!” on it. a while later my mom broke that paddle over my butt and we had to make a new one. we did it as a family project kind of. we got a stool cover type of thing with a handle on it and we covered it in resin. it hurts to knock on with your knuckles. it’s currently hanging on the wall next to my brothers room. A more recent specific incident is that I was at the park with my friend but his cousin was also there and she was being annoying. because of this I decided to push her off of playground equipment and then my mom got mad at me. I was crying the whole way home and then we went over a bridge and she started screaming “do you want me to drive off this bridge?! I can do it!” and I started screaming at the top of my lungs ”no don’t do it no no no” and then she hit me and I got a busted lip from it. I (on my own accord) told everyone at school I ran into a door. that’s the only time I remember her hitting me but my cousin (who has helped me realize a lot of things) says she’s SEEN my mother hit me. like hard. I guess that’s why I flinch when someone raises a hand at me? I don’t know. I also know I did something wrong if she hits my hand really hard so I guess thats something she used to do. I remember one time when I was younger I swore at her and she came back to me and said “I’m the only one who gets to swear in this house“ and I don’t remember anything after that. one other thing she did a lot was any time we got into screaming matches she would put her hand over my mouth to make me stop but usually I was crying when it happened so I couldn’t breathe. she wouldn’t move her hand until I stopped screaming and it usually is because I didn’t have the breath left to scream anyways. I can’t remember much else but it could be due to trauma I’m not sure.

Sometimes I watch videos from a YouTuber who goes by Rotten Mango. She covers things like murder cases. One of the ones I just watched was about a man who was proud to admit to killing someone. He had autism and ADHD and some other things I think. Sometimes things would be said and I was like “wait that kind of sounds like me.” In the past I would take this as a sign I was going to be a serial killer and I would panic, but now I’m different. I took that and I said “okay, now what about this situation *isnt* like me?” And often times that makes me feel a lot better. Often I notice it’s that I have much more empathy than these people. While this certain person beat a disabled kid because he thought it was funny, I myself can’t even hit someone who’s being a bitch without crying and willingly giving myself up to the principal. Just yesterday a girl got taken away by the school cop after a fight and she was struggling. He had to restrain her. If it was me I’d be sobbing my eyes out and walking along side him with no issue. I notice I’m different in other aspects as well. I saw a video today, it said “teenagers pick a historical figure and stick with it” my first thought was “oh, I’ve always liked Napoleon. His habits and quirks are funny to me.” But half the comments, the ones with the most likes even, were people saying theirs were Adolf Hitler! Adolf FUCKING Hitler! Some people enjoy the pain of others. The closest thing I have to enjoying the pain of others is when it’s mixed with pleasure. Not even sadism, mostly just overstim (sorry for the overshare) I hate seeing people feel pain and I hate feeling pain myself. I’ve never had interest in doing anything sinister, even if I enjoy listening to reports on cases of said things. I may listen to something some guy did that usually involves killing someone, but I’m starting to think maybe it’s so that I can realize that I’m not the worst person in the world. I’ve worried that I was for a long time in my life. Hell, I used to say it myself. I used to think I wasn’t human. But now I’m realizing that’s exactly what I am. I used to hate the song “Numb Little Bug” because I felt like it hit to close to home, but now I’m realizing it’s just relatable. It makes me human. Lots of people feel that way and I’m not alone. I used to worry I was a narcissist, sometimes I still do, but I’ve managed to realize two things.

1. you can’t hate yourself and be a narcissist at the same time

2. narcissists are far far worse than I am and I am not near a god complex.

I’m realizing sometimes that when someone else mentions their problems and they happen to be worse than mine, I immediately feel like mine are irrelevant. I feel like I’m just adding onto their heavy load and that mine don’t matter anymore. Then again they kind of don’t. I don’t have abusive parents, my home life is perfectly fine, my school life is mostly fine. I have no reason to be the way I am but I am. And you know what? I can live with that. Because I’m not sitting in an interrogation room telling the story of how I murdered someone with a smile on my face. I’m not writing mocking poems after running into a tree at 147 miles an hour and killing my “friend” while their family mourns. I’m not beating my mom because I can’t have a fancy credit card. I’m just me. I guess I’ve experienced a lot of growth.