u/HuckleberryOk7328

I lurk on this sub a lot and I sometimes see people losing their parents before they got sober and had a second chance. Well, I very unexpectedly had that chance recently but I quickly discovered that all of the neglect and hurt will not disappear.

My (28F) parents divorced when I was 9 because of my father's drinking and also terrible financial decisions that led us to lose our home. After that, me and my mom lived with my garendparents for almost 10 years before I left for college. We lived with them because my dad was a violent drunk and he would harass us if we lived alone. During these years my dad never paid child support, was never a parent to me, his side of the family acted like I disappeared and no one called me or picked me up to see me even though we all lived in the sane neighborhood. Because of his emotional and financial neglect, my mom had to work extra and when she fell short her family would help me financially and emotionally.

Anyways, despite all of this I never stopped my relationship with him because he would tell me he loved me so much and I am the only thing that's keeping him alive etc. His side of the family would tell me that I needed to talk to him about his drinking and basically that it was my responsibility to keep him alive. I was a child through all of this. He had a GI bleed in I think 2017 and was diagnosed with decompensated chirrhosis. He never stopped drinking after countless hospitalizations until last year. After another hospitalization he came out sober and started telling me how he never wants to drink again and he can't belive he drank before bla bla and it was shocking. At this point I hated him but I would still call him and talk to him every day, shop for him, give him money when he needed it and also I would go see him every weekend no matter how drunk and unreasonable he was. I work full time and I have to travel all the time for work and I was still managing to do this. On top of helping my mom. After he was sober doing all this almost felt therapeutic because I wasn't dreadding calling him and seeing him. We actually had conversations and I felt like I found something I lost years ago.

Recently, he became hospitalized again with severe HE but he pulled through. Mind you, his doctor is my cousin from my mom's side and she used every resource in the hospital to save him. I arranged the hospital etc. He lives with my uncle because my uncle sold 4 of our family's houses and left them homeless. Before he even got out of the hospital his siblings were calling me and texting me every second how he can't live alone, how he is not doing okay and how he needs care. I offered to put him in a care home because he has a pension and I could cover the rest. They refused. But then they decided he needs to have a caretaker at home. This person asks for my monthly salary. And they asked me to cover for it. On my birthday. Meanwhile, I discovered that my dad is OK and does not need someone to be there with him 24/7. My doctor cousin also confirmed he does not need hands-on care. So they are probably asking the money because they think I am not doing much (confirmed by what they are saying behind my back) and they decided to punish me by taking my money.

I already hated the whole family but them asking me the money by lying and ON MY BIRTHDAY knowing that I also financially support my mom, that we just bought a house and our house got flooded recently. They know how much I'm doing financially and they know he never ever gave me any money. This request was like the final push and all of the hurt and neglect that I had to bury to keep a relationship with them came flooding back. I am sick to my stomach and I am not interested in talking to my dad or his siblings anymore. I just feel so worthless. I feel like all of the neglect that I went through only mattered to me and my mom. They saw how much I was left alone by my dad and they never ever cared. I was trying to keep a relationship based on nothing. I knew they thought I wasn't doing enough for my dad. I was trying to be there for him so they would be pleased with me, I guess? How dumb of me.

After this request I stopped talking to everyone from my dad's side and my mom called to inform them that I was not doing great mentally and they should not contact me. I still call my dad every day but I will not go see him. I will not give my money to them after having the resillience to get through the hell that was my childhood and to get a great education that lead to a great career. I will also not give them my time or love or anything. I feel so stupid now because I was so sad for his siblings because they had to take care of my dad. Their father was also an alcoholic so I thought we actually got how hurt we were all are. I feel so stupid because I thought I mattered to them besides being a resource on my dad's management.

I also realized no matter how much better my dad gets or how much he apologizes to me that little hurt child is still in me somewhere and she does not care. I pleaded for my dad to get sober for years only to discover that I did not matter to him or his siblings besides the convenience I brought. I feel so hurt but I also feel free for maybe the first time in my life because I finally know that I don't have to feel sorry for them.

Also for what it matters I know my dad had a fight with his his siblings because they asked me for money before too. He told them I had a life to build and no one could ask me for money. I know this time he didn't know they asked me for money because they kept telling me to not to tell my dad. So maybe he is my father deep down somehwere but I decided I do not need that relationship anymore. I also realized I don't need to perform being a good daughter for someone that literally abandoned me because me calling and checking on him is more care than he ever gave me.