u/Huge-Hamster4123

I experience very intense episodes of dissociation and I’m receiving treatment, but what I’m about to describe is VERY different!!
Everything started in May of this year, when I suddenly entered a mental loop. I had just woken up, and my mind simply went into a loop.
Everything I was seeing in front of me, and any movement I made, felt like it was repeating infinitely. And here’s the thing: unlike dissociation, where I’m aware that I’m having an episode, during this loop I’m NOT aware that I’m experiencing it. In other words, in my mind, my entire life has ALWAYS been ONLY that loop, throughout all my years of life. In my mind, NOTHING ELSE exists besides what’s happening in the loop, and it always has been and always will be only that!!
The feeling that terrifies me the most is that I feel like I’ve forgotten that life IS and has ALWAYS been only that loop. I become desperate, waiting to become familiar with it again and understand that only that exists and that it’s an infinite loop (I never actually become familiar with it, because real life isn’t like that), but in my mind, while I’m having the episode, it IS!!!
It’s very difficult to explain, because I’m NOT consciously just THINKING that maybe life is a loop. In that moment, that IS my reality. I genuinely believe that it’s always been this way, and I can’t access the normal awareness I have outside the episode.
So I have absolutely NO awareness that I’m experiencing a loop-related crisis or episode.
These episodes last a few minutes. Then I return to normal and realize that life wasn’t actually like that. My usual perception of reality comes back, but I remember absolutely everything I felt, thought, and believed during the episode. I don’t have any memory loss or blackouts.
I’ve spoken to several psychiatrists, but I feel like there’s nothing I can say that makes them understand the difference between this and the dissociation I also experience. Whenever I try to explain it to them, they think I’m describing a normal dissociative episode, but NOOOOO, that’s not it!!

I experience very intense episodes of dissociation and I’m receiving treatment, but what I’m about to describe is VERY different!!
Everything started in May of this year, when I suddenly entered a mental loop. I had just woken up, and my mind simply went into a loop.
Everything I was seeing in front of me, and any movement I made, felt like it was repeating infinitely. And here’s the thing: unlike dissociation, where I’m aware that I’m having an episode, during this loop I’m NOT aware that I’m experiencing it. In other words, in my mind, my entire life has ALWAYS been ONLY that loop, throughout all my years of life. In my mind, NOTHING ELSE exists besides what’s happening in the loop, and it always has been and always will be only that!!
The feeling that terrifies me the most is that I feel like I’ve forgotten that life IS and has ALWAYS been only that loop. I become desperate, waiting to become familiar with it again and understand that only that exists and that it’s an infinite loop (I never actually become familiar with it, because real life isn’t like that), but in my mind, while I’m having the episode, it IS!!!
It’s very difficult to explain, because I’m NOT consciously just THINKING that maybe life is a loop. In that moment, that IS my reality. I genuinely believe that it’s always been this way, and I can’t access the normal awareness I have outside the episode.
So I have absolutely NO awareness that I’m experiencing a loop-related crisis or episode.
These episodes last a few minutes. Then I return to normal and realize that life wasn’t actually like that. My usual perception of reality comes back, but I remember absolutely everything I felt, thought, and believed during the episode. I don’t have any memory loss or blackouts.
I’ve spoken to several psychiatrists, but I feel like there’s nothing I can say that makes them understand the difference between this and the dissociation I also experience. Whenever I try to explain it to them, they think I’m describing a normal dissociative episode, but NOOOOO, that’s not it!!