u/Human-Shop-4418

Heres the background... Im 22 ive been no contact with my mom since I was 18. My mom moved us to the west when I was 16 while state hopping from CPS. I was the recipient of abuse for maintaining contact with family members who were a life line (my dad and her parents). My mom had bipolar, had hypocondria, issues with substances, and above all was a Karen. I worked a job under her name as a minor with no pay, was a parentified sibling, and as a side effect of being the daughter of a hypocondriact always made out to be a sickly child.

My mom at first was my ride or die and was until the 6th grade till my first sleepover when I finally witnessed an organic family. I started to realize that my father was the better parent and my mom alienated him. My grandparents noticed the issues with my mom leaving us unattended for days or weeks. Along side the issues at about the time I started realizing things were not okay I was telling peers and trying to find help. And then at 17 I dropped from the face of the earth and reappeared homeless across the country at 18 that itself was a long story.

I moved back to the same small town as all those friends and my grandparents. My grandparents unfortunately admitted that they kept me at arms length due to the feelings associated with my mom. They know none of it is my fault but that every time more and more comes out they are upset that they couldn’t save me and I remind them of a time where she was a good person. Its left me excluded from most of the maternal family.

On the flip side family members on my paternal side come off as abrasive or aggressive because of the fear of the issues she had caused. I recently had to go no contact with an aunt because I had found out she was an informant to my mom.

Essentially now I just feel very very isolated. I crave a relationship. I feel so scared that people in my family will no show to my wedding in 2027. I want to just get my bear hugs from my papaw and cook with my granny. I want to be back for Thanksgivings and Christmas. I have a huge family and the people that aren't talking leave a huge hole in my heart. I just wanna feel loved.

Ive been doing security for 4 years now. My employer picks up very quickly that I can definitely hold my own. Most firms are observe and report and my job adds hands on as I work a different type of security (keeping people in). The other day I had to hold my own and cuff a person. Of course this was in view of the clients and employees. This person probably 140 lbs max. After all was said and done the client employee said "i never thought you were really capable of what just happened. You always are sweet and very non reactive. Plus your chubby and carry an inhaler. You kinda have a sleeper build. Unassuming to the eye but interestingly able to put it down". I dont know if its a compliment or not. I find it weird.

Edit I am a woman so idk if that adds anything.