I’m fucking stupid
Hey yall, ik the title may be confusing I was just coming on here cause I need to vent and would love any advice/suggestions. Basically my whole life I’ve just been wrong. Always the weird dude, always the one being laughed at, always awkward, and I just have a horrible outlook on life I can’t seem to change. I’m sure yall have seen this before but basically I just feel like life is nothing but working for more work, I just graduated highschool and felt good for about a day, then good ole reality hit me and I realized I don’t know what I want to do at all and working for the rest of my life seems awful, I’m aware this is a stupid way of thinking but no matter what I try I can’t shake it, even since I was a little kid I distracted myself from reality in whatever way I could, recently now that I’m 18 and have adult money it’s been nicotine, weed, acid, shrooms, alcohol, and random smoke shop pills. I’ve just been this way my whole life and it’s starting to feel hopeless, I’m addicted to porn, weed, nicotine, and fantasizing about what my life could be like one day and just making up scenarios to make myself happy for a bit. I can’t keep my room clean (ik how bad it sounds) but for some reason no matter what I try I just live in filth, it’s almost better than a clean room for some reason, I’m just so ashamed in what I’ve become and feel like my family fucking hates their musty, angry, sad, excluded, pothead piece of shit family member, I’m so quick to anger, quick to cry, quick to argue, it’s like an alter ego that I watch control me I just don’t stop when I’m upset and I feel like a shit person, I kept my room clean and didn’t watch porn or jerk it for a month, than right back to square one and here I am jerking it 5 times a day like I’m in middle school. Ik I sound like a hopeless shit head but I truly do have dreams and things I would like to accomplish, but there’s a constant battle in my head and Idk how to stop it, please I beg if anyone has words of wisdom, advice, or just a good convo I’m begging you for it, I really fucking need help.