I've had a few thrombosed hemmys over the years and regularly get minor ones. This one however, is the first bad one where I've had a 1 year old to chase around all day. Everytime I bend down to pick him up I swear the hemmy gets bigger. I just needed to share my pain and suffering. Anyone been in a similar position and have suggestions?
From 4 weeks pregnant I was in hell. Every minute of pregnancy was a nightmare. I so desperately want another child but I truly don't think I can go through that again. For months after birth I would sometimes have panic attacks if I even saw a pregnant person and it would send me into a spiral for days. Pregnancy was torture but I expected that because of that, I'd have a wonderful motherhood experience. I didn't. My son screamed constantly, he never slept, I was scared to be alone at home with him so I would walk for hours. I despised breastfeeding. I had never been so lonely. I wanted to die.
I've been doing a bit better recently and thinking that maybe in a couple of years we can have another. This weekend I saw my cousin with her 4 month old baby. This kid is insanely relaxed. Hardly ever cries, just happy to hang out. My sister also announced she's pregnant with her first. And I'm SO excited for her! Her pregnancy is going great, she's hardly been nauseous. This is such a massive relief. I'm so happy for my sister and my cousin.
But now I'm home and I can't get out of the "why me" cycle. Why do they get to have easy pregnancies??? Why is my cousins baby so easy?? I can't help but wonder what I did for this to be my experience. I avoid talking to other mothers because they make everything sound so easy. I know that isnt the full picture, but I just feel so isolated and angry. I'm full of rage and I don't know what to do with it. I so desperately want another baby, but HG and postpartum almost destroyed me.
I've considered myself at least 90% recovered for about 5 years. I had a baby a year ago and was extremely sick during pregnancy and had a rough post partum which actually led me to losing weight. I don't like how I look now. I think I look sickly. I wish I could gain weight but I still have this little ED voice in the back of my head that can't handle my body getting bigger. I definitely don't want to be smaller - I just can't cope with weight gain.
I look at photos from 2 years ago at a slightly higher weight and I look so much healthier. I felt better too. I had energy and felt strong and beautiful. The difference is clear as day. I want to be healthy like that again, I just have no idea how to get past the mental block.
I'm not really sure what my objective is with this post. Rant, solidarity, advice?