u/Hungry-Ratio-6326

Hi, I (62 F) was widowed 3 months ago today. I'm new to living alone again, after many years. Almost everybody I know says how 'well' I'm doing. Mm🤔..they don't see me at nights alone, just me, my cat, & all my memories of my 'now previous'😢..married life with my husband, which I've been 'getting out of my system/grieving for', in private. We were together 22 years, literally to the week we met, when he died. Married for 9 years, & 2.5 months of that 22 yrs. He had developed melanoma cancer which spread quickly & aggressively to many parts of his body, & paralysed him. He became bed bound. I nursed/cared for him at home for the last 3.5 months, with help from palliative carers twice a day to help me do bed washes, turns, sheet changes, catheter care, etc, & he was under hospice home care, too. Now, it feels like I'm the only one who gives a damn about losing him. His adult sons have moved on..it feels to me, like they are just waiting in the wings for any money that may come their way one day🫩. So, I'm left living alone in our house that has become too big for just me. It's a 'huge' adjustment. It's lonely. This house we shared is so empty. It's been 'too' quiet most times. The tv is & has been my saviour. Sound. talking. People interacting. My cat is my best/closest friend & constant companion. She got me through these first few months of hell. I don't know how I would've done without her quiet support, her little warm body snuggling up against me, reassuring me with her purring, & encouraging me to get out of bed every day to feed & care for her. Without her, I'd be pretty lost. Or maybe worse. I see friends, I chat with family in other cities. I go out. I go to weekly grief counselling sessions. I visit my 91 y/old mother in her care home, as often as my energy levels allow. I've dealt with all the estate issues. I've slowly started de-cluttering & bagging some stuff to donate. I've had people over for dinner. There's really nothing for it but to carry on living my own life now, however that ends up looking like, going forward. I can't plan too far ahead. I have 'no' idea what my solo life will look like in future. I thought I'd still be married for at another 5 years at least. That's been ripped away from me (& most especially, my poor husband). Sorry for the sad story🥺. It's probably not the right forum to say this stuff, but it felt right to say it here, regardless, so thanks for reading this far.

Living alone may improve with time (I hope!). I have to persevere until things fall into place. Sigh😞.

I've come here to vent & to get this issue off my chest, & for some perspective & self reflection. So, for context, the situation I am facing, is that, when my husband was being cared for by me 24/7, & by daily visits from caregivers in our house since mid February this year, in his final months of his life (he passed away 6 weeks ago at home from metastasized melanoma cancer..), my previous work colleagues who I got on well with, came swooping in to help me, bcs the situation was overwhelming me mentally, & I was really struggling. We all used to work together as shift workers, & as caregivers for the same company, & for the same elderly client. They took it upon themselves to set up a roster between themselves, & took turns sitting in my house with my sick/dying husband, while I took time out, away from his bedside, & out of the house, to recharge, & as well, they brought me food, organised get togethers with the other two ladies, picked up prescriptions for my husband, & generally came to my rescue for a few weeks. They were lifesavers at the time. Since my husband died, I've tried to repay their kindness by taking 'them' nice food, & spending time with them, & trying to give something back for all their time & kindnesses, even buying them loaded amounts of dollars in gift voucher cards, & helping out with gas/petrol money for their cars, etc, which they appreciated. There were 4 of them, but two main ones, who spent the most time supporting me & my husband. I've been grieving, as well as suffering from the pain of a torn tendon, & I've kind of been staying home, keeping to myself, & trying to recover. Their absences are gaping & obvious to me now, & after such intense amounts of times when they stepped up for me, to now nothing, & virtually no contact unless I try to reach out, I'm feeling their absences a lot, & missing the cameraderie & friendship. One of them stepped away first, admitting she felt 'angry' at me, for 'not' taking her advice in sending my husband away to a hospice run facility, instead of caring for him at home with regular visits from hospice nurses, as planned, which baffled & hurt me, bcs my husband wanted to remain at home as much as I wanted him to be at home in his last days. She has seemingly cut me off bcs of that, which seems petty & un-necessary. My other colleague has been more open & social, but has had her own health issues lately. It's been an 'all or nothing' situation, & I feel bereft of their company, now. Maybe it is meant to be..but I feel like they 'ditched me'. My perspective. I also feel like I'm missing some social cues, like - maybe I was supposed to be doing more for them, & bcs I'm not, they're

Not talking to me now🤔🤷‍♀️. I've tried asking, but they're holding back. I don't know🙁. Maybe I'm missing something. Maybe it's part of my grief process. I just feel their 'sudden' withdrawal. Ugh. Thanks for reading this far.

My darling husband lost his fight from cancer early this morning. He fought it bravely & strongly, until he couldn't anymore. I'll love & miss him for the rest of my days. I'm very relieved that he's no longer suffering. I admit that I'm feeling relieved that my caregiving days are over. It was the hardest 10 months of our lives, from first symptoms appearing, to diagnosis, to caring for him at home, to now. I'm exhausted & beyond done. Time to sleep uninterrupted. Time to rest my weary body. Time for a complete reset. I wish everyone here, love & strength💌.