u/Hungry_Direction4509

Some weeks ago I spoke about A Heavy Stuff with my therapist, and at the end of the session he gave me a hand-shake, not like a business hand-shake but a more like a friendly or warmish one.

In the last session, I spoke about The Stuff that was related to The Heavy Thing, but the session felt somewhat calm, but he gave me the hand-shake again anyhow. My first theory was that it was a reward for talking about The Heavy Stuff, but I did well in the session and I didn't feel any distress so if it was a reward, then reward for what?

I kind of wanna ask him how to unlock that ending every time but I'm scared he will stop doing it if he knows it means a lot to me, like maybe he doesn't wanna make me more attached or something to the gesture. I don't know, but I know that I don't wanna make him uncomfortable.

I remember in the first sessions I told him I liked hand-shakes so maybe he does it because of that (?) I'm really skittish and I feel like he is being extra careful around me so maybe he is okey with the hand-shake but unsure if I'm on board, although I smile when he does it.

I don't know, I think I'm overthinking it XD but now my brain kind of wishes for it to be a permanent end of session, but that would stop being a reward, wouldn't it?

I only get stomach issues occasionally and my chest feels weird only if really bad stuff is happening. But inside of my head I have an anxiety factory, it makes me feel like there is this pressure in my brain, filled with worries and making me feel all sort of ways, or like a pressure to resolve stuff, or just a strong feeling of doom or sadness over things, and it's practically constant. The only physical thing that I feel a lot is tension in my body. But this anxiety makes me feel on edge, makes me lack concentration, makes me wanna hide or run away. It's like my head is too filled with stuff and the world is too much for it, like I'm saturated 24/7, lots of anxiety loops as well

Is that common experience ? Because I have been in this sub a bit and it seems people have more trouble with the body

I showed him a text explaining how I felt, and I told him I wanted to discuss in next session how to fix this :( I'm scared he will say it's ok to feel this way, because I don't know how to deal with that. I know, logically, that he is not my dad, but I have cried twice thinking one day he will leave or die. I know one day he will leave, it's just logical. And I'm only like, 1 month in therapy and I have enough problems to last for a long time, but I'm just so worried about this. I told him how I felt but I hadn't mentioned the grief yet. I have lots of shame about this and now I feel like the grief its a weight I will have to carry. But like, he is so cool to me, I don't want this thing to ruin it.

But I can't stop this feeling like his office is my safe place at this point and when I want my dad he pops up in my head. It doesn't matter how much I try to parent myself. And I'm 26 years old, I'm way too old to be feeling like this I know but the worst is the grief heeeeelp