u/HuntMission6346

Hi, I'm in a very low state and I have been for 2 years now. I've also been wanting to do it for 2 years ($uic1de), but it keeps dragging on and it affects my academics 'cause I don't do it anyways so I have no choice but to continue living...and if I want to live then I have to cope with this and fix it.

But anyways, how's your experience with the staffs? Are they patient, too tired to care, too busy perhaps, judgemental, do they make you feel safe or not? Can they be trusted? Can you talk freely? Do they not frown upon you if you cry?

I struggle the most with speaking and handling conversations/understanding things, so I've been trying to speak and simulate having deep/long conversations with myself. I talk about hypocrisy in society, people not being considerate enough with each other, etc. I also practice by presenting a topic or trying to explain it.

I noticed whenever I practice speaking my voice shakes like I'm on the verge of tears after a while. I don't know if it's because I get emotional, nervousness, or if my voice is tired. I feel like it's a mixture of everything, lol.

I'm like this when speaking publicly too, ofcourse...And I realized I also speak like that even in private. It's very embarrassing. I knoww I shouldn't be embarrassed and should give myself some slack, be nice to myself yadayada. But in real life it affects how people view you alot. And yess, I know right? "then you're not hanging out with the right people" BUT for me having a confident impression is important because people might tell you it's okayy you're humann, yet they always favor the more confident and reliable sounding person. It's important for me to speak well like normal people...

Like It's abnormally not cohesive and organized. Please don't nitpick or get offended on how I said "normal" people. I said that because I'm already 21 and I have not met someone like me who explains and speaks so terribly AND I'M IN INFORMATIONS TECHNOLOGY so I have to speak well to be able to handle jobs in IT.

You get what I mean? I'm expressing my thoughts poorly rn and I'm too tired to explain everything clearly but the gist is...I can't speak/think coherently😭 It also reflects on my writing style too if you notice that. Can't tell if I'm being too negative about myself (that's probably the case) or if it's legitimately a problem. (well it is)

Yeah I know "Why write a post when you're not even giving other people an opportunity to understand your situation? YEAH I'm just secretly (not anymore) expecting someone to understand me immediately just by reading the 1st paragraph. I'm that hopeful and lazy