u/Hyde_Hides

Every time it starts getting worse it feels like my head is going to explode from all the nonsense and then it clears and I feel so smart and capable and able and I write and research and stay up for days and journal and journal and play with my little cork board and red string as if I'm figuring every problem anyone has ever had out at breakneck pace and that I'll prove them all wrong and I know exactly what the threads of the universe look like and always have.

Then it eases and I feel like an idiot again, I can't make sense of anything I wrote or took pictures of. I can hardly read the fevered handwriting and none of it actually means anything to me then. The brain fog kills me and I can't think and my thoughts are all bits and pieces like shattered glass that I keep cutting my fingers on so I just don't bother to pick them up anymore. I turn into a slug of a human being and we're back to baseline paranoia, seeing shadows, hearing whispers type problems.

It's so frustrating. I can't even tell which mental state is actually the hindered one. I just want to think clearly, I want to do something meaningful.

All of the friends I've had I've had for a very long time, recently they've been inviting me to other friend groups. This should be a good thing and I know that, but I've never had the desire to make friends. They just sort of show up in my life and I don't question it. I'm not sure if they're even real sometimes, if not for the fact other people speak to them too. I don't remember most of the time I spend with them, I don't remember anything that happens when I'm with them. I just know I enjoy their company and have a general feeling of happiness when I speak to them. While my current friends are very understanding of that, it feels like it makes making new friends difficult. Who wants to be friends with someone who has no idea who you are, just that they like you? That's creepy. That's creepy and weird. It's also creepy and weird to not say anything for the 3 hours you're all spending together. I have very bad alogia. It's difficult for me to think or form sentences and it gets worse the more people I have to juggle. I'm not trying to sound judgemental or uninterested, but I'm afraid that's how I come across.

I want to make friends with my friends' friends because they want me to be friends with them so we can all be friends together even if I don't have any desire to be their friend beyond wanting my long-term friends to be happy. I just don't think I can do it, not in the way they need me to.