I barely have any friends anymore and people think I'm a self centred, crazy person, what am I doing wrong?
I was diagnosed autistic when I was 17, I'm 19 now and ever since my diagnosis I feel like things have only gotten worse for me socially. I went through a break up in december which was a lot for me, my partner of 3 and a half years broke up with me on my birthday and things have been messy for me ever since. We shared a social circle and initially everyone was on my side about the breakup, I had a lot of messages off people saying they were so sorry to hear and a lot of people inviting me out.
One of the reasons my ex gave me for leaving was that I require "special consideration" that he cannot cope with and that basically the way I am is too much for him. I was venting to a few close friends a lot during the first few weeks because I was a wreck and couldn't cope with the routine change/rejection. Everyone was there for me and I felt very supported. Everyone told me to pay no attention to what he said and that it was a horrible thing to say to me and that so many years into a relationship that he should be adjusted to who I am as a person and me being autistic should not be a valid reason to leave so far in.
I met someone through mutual friends pretty quickly who was interested in me, I didnt want to jump into a new relationship so quickly but I liked the guy back and the friends who had been there for me the most were encouraging it, so i felt it was maybe a good step towards healing to get to know someone new. We started dating and I felt like almost everything was wonderful. He was late almost every time we met up and would change plans often which I do not cope well with but I didnt want to upset him because I felt like I'd been given a second chance so I dealt with the uneasy feelings myself and did not express my distress outwards. I let him know very early on that because I am autistic I struggle with changes especially last minute ones and it can be very overwhelming for me to process. I also explained that I am prone to and struggle with both meltdowns and shutdowns and summarised what that means. He told me that me being autistic did not matter to him and that he doesn't mind.
Whenever I bought up the lateness and that I found it overwhelming, he told me thats just how he is and I needed to get used to it, I agreed that I could do with learning to cope better with it but I said that I would appreciate if he could work on his time blindness because it was still distressing for me regardless. He said that I need to get used to changes in life because life is full of them and our conversation ended there. Other than that things were going very well and I was enjoying all my time spent with him.
I would sometimes bring up my ex partner, I said to him during the first few days of us being official that because this breakup was so fresh, I was still recovering from it. I asked if he was uncomfortable in any way with me bringing up my ex partner and he said he was not uncomfortable and he was there for me. This changed at some point and he did not verbalise that it made him uncomfortable and it caused him to build up resentment. We often went out with friends to the pub and I would tell our mutual friends things about us, he was aware of pretty much everything I was telling people about our relationship because he was always present whenever I spoke about us or I would tell him afterwards what I had shared with people.
He broke things off with me just before the 3 month mark, claiming I overshare too much, I was using him as a rebound, that i was talking behind his back because I complained to some mutual friends he was late to things despite addressing the issue with him too, felt compared to my ex and that he was uncomfortable with me mentioning him despite me checking with him beforehand and just so many things he hadn't mentioned to me until it became too much basically. He also remarked I seemed to show no interest in him as a person and he didn't feel heard by me which is something my first boyfriend also remarked about me and ex friends have said too, i try my best to show people I care about them and I'm not sure how I keep making people feel unimportant. He told me all of this at once and it was basically just a bunch of sudden verbal diarrhea because he was acting off with me and kept insisting things were fine and I kept prodding about it. This was very overwhelming so I cried and I was accused of emotionally manipulating the situation and we broke up.
I let mutual friends know we split up and one in particular was acting off with me but was not saying directly to me that there was a problem. I found out later from other people this mutual friend has been talking to other people, telling them I'm self centred and crazy and that i was a horrible partner and my first boyfriend did right by leaving me and that I blame all my problems on being autistic and take no accountability whatsoever for anything. This mutual friend still talks to me occasionally but can sometimes act a little distant, they don't know I know what they've been saying about me. I dont know if I should confront them or just slowly cut them out of my life, they've been remarking they hope i ruin my life. Other people who I wouldn't consider friends but are acquaintances have been treating me differently ever since and I feel like I've been labelled and shunned because of how this guy perceived me and my actions. I dont really know what I did wrong or how my behaviour came across that way. This has been a big summary of events because I could go on forever if I gave full details but I tried my very best to be as communicative as possible because I felt I had landed something good with someone who cared. I dont know how I have apparently blamed everything on being autistic and I dont know how my actions have been misunderstood.
Feel free to ask for more details about anything because I feel i have been vague, I just need advice because I feel like i dont make people feel cared for or valued and its causing me serious problems making and maintaining friends especially as ive gotten older. I just feel so lost trying to navigate social situations. Thank you!!