u/Iam_just_a_girl

Hi! So for the context im 24 and dated overall three guys. I‘ve noticed a pattern in dating and it keeps repeating with every guy I get emotionally involved with.

At first I genuinely like them and get excited. But after some time, I start noticing incompatibilities, lose certainty, or simply feel less into it. The problem is — once I get to that stage, it becomes extremely hard for me to end things myself.

What’s even worse is this: when I start pulling away and then notice them pulling away too, I suddenly panic and want the connection back. Even if just days before I was thinking “maybe this should end.”

It happened with all 3 men I dated.

With the first guy, I realized after 1–2 months that we weren’t a good match. I thought about ending it many times, but stayed because he was my first man and I wanted it to work. In the end he was the one who ended things, and it destroyed my self-esteem even though I had wanted out myself.

With the second guy, I liked him much more, but I still kept hesitating instead of trusting my feelings when I started noticing major incompatibilities. I only managed to break it off after he did something really inappropriate and I reacted emotionally in the moment. Then for months I kept questioning myself: “Did I make a mistake? Maybe I loved him more than I thought? Maybe I’ve should stay?“. And now thinking that he moved on and has no feelings left for me also hurts me a lot.

And now it’s happening again with a third guy. We met on vacation, had amazing dates, just kissed few times, and I was really into him at first. But after I came home, things became inconsistent. Recently he started talking about planning a trip together, but honestly I already feel my enthusiasm fading. I don’t think this will realistically become anything serious, and I’ve started noticing personality traits that don’t sit right with me.

A few days ago we barely texted and I actually felt relieved. But then again I panicked with like „what if he’s losing interest too?” And immediately I wanted his attention (is that attention seeking or am I afraid I’m not good enough?) again and texted him first.

I really don’t feel that’s I’m just simply wanting attention, cause when I’m without relationships I don’t search for them and don’t need men’s attention. its not like i always need some men texting me, I’m not like that and I genuinely like them all a lot in the beginning, day dream about them etc. I really don’t want to be read as this superficial girl that is using man for their attention, I’m not. I’m genually liking them a lot and afraid.

this also doesn’t happen with men I’ve only went on 2-3 dates with, then I can easily end things. But when we’ve been dating for 2-3 months or we kissed already for example (with third guy I’ve only had few dates but we kissed and it was intense), I just can’t, I’m afraid so much and it’s such a mix of emotions, I cannot really understand why I do feel this way.

I think the core issue might be that I need men to choose me in order to feel valuable. So even when I’m unsure about them, if they treat me well and are good people, I struggle to leave. I think I’m also deeply afraid of rejection and abandonment, while at the same time being unable to reject someone myself.

Another thing is that I have this irrational feeling that opportunities for love are “limited.” Every time I meet someone, part of me thinks: “What if this is my last chance?” Even though logically I know that’s probably not true. And even though it wasn’t true already twice, this doesn’t help.

What exhausts me most is this cycle:
I lose certainty → I create distance → they also become distant → I panic and try to reconnect instead of ending things as initially wanted.

I don’t know if it’s sort of self esteem problem, since I do have hight standards and chose men that treat me great, but still afraid to be not chosen?

Has anyone experienced something similar? Is this attachment issues, fear of rejection, low self-esteem… or something else? How can I work with that? I’m also considering going to therapist, but I’m limited in budget and think I only can afford 6-8 visits and want to do something self reflection first

I (23F) have very few dating experience. When it comes to dating I have few boundaries: I want to have sex after we are in relationships (so we are bf and gf) and I also kinda have deadline or time frame when I feel comfortable for us to decide we want to be in relationships. For me, if we see each other 2-3 times a week and text a bit inbetween, it’s 1,5-2 months. I think big part of it is that I havent been in relationships (and I’ve also only had sex once) and it’s really important for me now to have this full experience or falling in love, dating, starting relationships, trusting the person, then having sex. And I want to be able to say about my luck of experience, to have a right context for it you know.

But I don’t like how I feel after communicating it. Before that I said it twice to guys I’ve been dating and both time after I felt like I created some sort of pressure and put myself in position lower then a man, like I’m now waiting for him yk or beeing needy and not secure. So I said like „I only want sex in relationships „ and constantly felt like I’m pressuring the man to start relationship. and same I felt when I said to a guy that I won’t wait longer than 3 months to commit. Like yes, I said what I want, but at the same time I don’t like that I do it. I kill the lightness and naturalness of connection. And I can imagine not pronouncing the deadline but the sex thing?

I really don’t like that dinamic and I’m afraid to say such thing cause they kill the flow. At the same time I probably need to say that? My theory (only theory since I’ve only dated 2 men) is that with the right person you don’t have to communicate this things or think about them cause everything will flow itself and feels right, and maybe you’ll just have to mention that „I don’t like to hurry up with sex„?

At the same time I don’t want to be this convenient girl that wants nothing, needs nothing.

What do you think guys?

Hi everyone! I really need some outside perspective and advice.I don’t have much romantic experience, so I’m not sure if I’m overthinking this.

So I try to keep it short, I met a guy while traveling — we matched on a dating app and met up within an hour. The date went really well, and we ended up seeing each other every day during my stay (3 dates total). I made it clear I’m not into hookups, and he still was like really interested. He seemed very into me and talked about staying in touch, traveling together since ”it would be pity to waste such a great potential“.

After I left, we texted for a few days, then he disappeared. I was upset, but I moved on and treated it as a nice travel memory.

Then about a week later, he came back with “I miss you.” When I asked (quite emotionally ) what he meant, he said long distance is hard for him and he’s not into that. Then he disappeared again for 2 weeks.

After that, he texted again casually, updating me about his life and suggesting we go on a trip together. I was honestly annoyed, but I didn’t want to again react too emotionally (since I thought well we don’t own each other anything, barely know each other etc.) replied anyway. We texted a bit, and I said I’d think about the trip, we agreed we’ll decide by the end of the week. Now the conversation has kinda died again, and I feel like I’m the one initiating most of the time all these casual check ins “how the day is going?” and stuff, he never ask me questions (bit he mentioned it’s difficult for him to manage things on distance)

So now I’m confused:

• Is it unrealistic to expect more consistency from someone I only met 3 times (and we didn’t even sleep together)?
• If he’s not that invested, why suggest a trip at all?
• if it’s difficult on distance for him, what is even the point of meeting if we will be later on distance again?
• He says “our story isn’t finished” and wants to see where it goes — but his actions feel inconsistent and I just don’t know, whether it’s something normal since we barely know each other or my expectations are reasonable

 

Part of me wants someone who is more clearly interested and consistent, especially before planning something like a trip. Another part of me doesn’t want to overreact or miss out on a potentially nice twenties summer experience.

I’m also wondering if I should just treat this as something casual or even suggest going as friends.

I struggle to trust my own judgment here — I tend to be very all-or-nothing.

What would you do in this situation? How do you tell if your expectations are reasonable or too much?