u/IcyBlueVioletVelvet

Before marriage, I had previous relationships and healthy sexual experiences. I felt desired, wanted, loved. During our 2-year courtship (Covid time), the first time we tried having sex he had ED issues. I genuinely thought maybe it was nervousness because he was a virgin and things would improve with time.

But they never did.

Our bedroom has been practically dead from day one. Every single attempt(2-3 intercourse a month to a quarter now) has involved ED issues. We tried changing positions, improving comfort, exercising, talking openly, everything. Nothing really changed.

He is obese, I have also gained a lot of weight recently due to PCOS. He has fatty liver and gallbladder stones, something he never disclosed before marriage. I found old medical documents while shifting houses and confronted him later.

Now we barely have sex at all.

Sometimes he says he feels bad about our situation. Once he even went to a urologist quietly, but somehow his parents found out and started blaming me for “pressuring” him, saying I have PCOS and ovulation issues and blaming me for not procreating at all. He had to then tell them about this ED issue and I realized my bedroom secrets were now in full display to public. Led to a huge fight with in-laws n it somehow reached my parents n they were told what led to it. Thus, they know abt his ED issues now.

Meanwhile both sides of the family constantly keep bringing up kids. He avoids the topic saying “it will happen when it happens.”

What hurts even more is watching pregnancy announcements around me from couples who got married much later than us. Every single announcement breaks my heart a little.

I go through repeated gynae appointments, invasive TVS scans, blood tests, cycle tracking, all of it. Meanwhile it takes him months to even do a semen analysis. I also want to become a mother someday, but sometimes I wonder if having a child will completely kill whatever little intimacy is left in this marriage beyond repair.

I also recently found out he smokes regularly now due to office stress, despite earlier telling me he had barely touched cigarettes in his life.

Emotionally he is not a bad person. He listens to me, supports me during conflicts with his parents, and we function like companions. But intimacy is almost non-existent and I feel undesirable, frustrated, lonely, and guilty for even feeling this way because technically nothing is “wrong enough” to complain about.

My own job is also demanding and all of this combined has started affecting me mentally. And before people suggest therapy or marriage counselling — honestly, we are not in a place where that feels realistic right now.

I would listen to romantic songs and cry because I do not feel wanted anymore.

Does he love me and show cute gestures, sometimes; it's just that he doesn't think sexually anymore. He has low testosterone levels as well as his manhood is little on the shorter side than that of an average Indian. I don't remember the last time I had a decent penetrative sex.

Has anyone else experienced this kind of marriage where companionship exists but intimacy, attraction and emotional fulfillment slowly die? Did things improve? Or did you eventually accept that this is what your marriage would be?

Edit: He has had no relationships before marriage so was highly addicted to porn. He can finish but not during penetrations. I cry after I pleasure myself thinking myself as a loser. I married for a stable sex life also. I cry myself to sleep whereas he snores next to me. If he finds me crying we will have a discussion about what is bothering me, he will sympathise but eventually sleep because nothing can be done.

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- caring deeply but hiding emotions

- wanting closeness but pushing people away

- acting strong while internally overwhelmed

- becoming emotionally mature too early because of responsibilities

I have my teenage niece, one friend and one cousin with the same asc+moon combo and it feels we are always suffering with this constant conflict with ourselves.

Would love to know whether others experience this similarly. Is this astrologically implying or just coincidence.

Married for 4 years, and I’m struggling with living with in-laws in a joint family setup.

Since marriage, we’ve always lived together mainly due to financial circumstances and the fact that my in-laws genuinely have nowhere else practical to go. They do not own a home, and moving back to their native place would create major family drama and emotional fallout. My husband is their only son, and like many traditional families, there has always been an expectation that he will be their long-term support system. Realistically, unless we relocate to another country someday, separate living doesn’t feel like a practical option right now.

Last year, I purchased a 3BHK flat in my own name, and all of us now live together. My in-laws do contribute where they can, like my MIL helps with cooking/household support earlier but we hired cook later, so this isn’t about them being terrible people.

The real issue is privacy and boundaries, especially with my FIL.

He has his own bedroom, but prefers sleeping in the hall on a mattress, watching videos loudly, using his phone at odd hours, taking loud calls, oversharing family matters with relatives, and generally occupying the common area almost all day.

This creates constant issues because:

\- Loud videos/social media at night and early morning

\- Frequent intrusive questions about deliveries, purchases, guests

\- Loud calls while I’m working from home

\- Oversharing private matters with extended family

\- Lack of personal space because our bedroom is visible from common areas

\- Constant feeling of being monitored in my own house

The difficult part is that whenever I try to set boundaries, directly or indirectly through my husband, it often becomes emotionally charged or “political.” It turns into comments about whether I see them as outsiders, whether this house is “mine,” or suggestions that my husband should buy another house.

So I feel stuck:

\- Asking them to live separately isn’t realistically doable

\- Confrontation creates major family tension

\- Staying silent is affecting my peace and mental health

I do appreciate their support, but I’m exhausted by the lack of privacy.

Would it be unreasonable to ask (through my husband) for my FIL to use his bedroom more regularly by making it more comfortable (TV, AC, etc.), while keeping the hall as a common family space? MIL is in SIL's place to help raise her 1yr old kid so she isn't in the living dynamics now. My husband is her emotional husband because FIL was emotionally unavailable for most of the time but when they fight with me they form the strongest of bonds.(Common enemy dynamics)

Husband is understanding but very Indian men like 'let it go' or everything will be fine attitude. Lacks foresightedness when it comes to establishing boundaries and the drama coming along with it.

For those in similar traditional/joint family dynamics, how do you establish healthy boundaries when separation isn’t a practical option?

Need serious career advice from developers/testers in India.

I have ~10 YOE and made my 3rd switch 3 years ago to current org(automation QA is main skillset but switches mostly due to location change). I joined my current company as SSE1 Automation QA because the JD and manager discussions clearly emphasized automation, QA, and exploring newer technologies. It felt like a good move initially: flexible culture, EU company, decent work-life expectations. But reality has been very different.

What actually happened:

• After just 1 month of rushed, superficial KT, I was pushed into mostly manual QA
• Spent ~8 months manually testing multiple CLI/docker tool variants
• Automation proposals were repeatedly dismissed despite clear need due to lack of test infrastructure, team already buried in tons of manual QA so no time and what not
• Eventually built automation tools myself that improved regression significantly
• Despite this, security/process reasons were often used to avoid scaling automation
• As the only QA on large projects, I ended up manually validating huge releases under unrealistic sprint deadlines
• Requirements are often unclear and constantly shifting, so QA is expected to track every change, update plans, test manually, and catch everything in minimal time(3SP max to vlaidate new changes, compare builds etc, and has atleast 5 repos configured together)
• Human error becomes inevitable, but blame disproportionately falls on QA when prod bugs occur
• Later, management started pushing me toward DevOps/Dev work with messaging like:
  • “QA-only roles won’t survive”
  • “AI will replace QA”
  • “You need to become DevOps”
• I adapted:
  • Worked on pipelines
  • Did development tasks
  • Took on feature spikes
  • Expanded beyond QA responsibilities
  • still performed manual tests
• But despite all this, I’m still not treated or recognized like core dev team members

Current frustration:

• Compared against pure devs(10 YOE) for promotion despite being shifted from QA much later
• 1 to 1 are mostly humiliation if i bring these points out because my manager is hell bent on tagging me as irrelevant if I dont become the devops ultra pro max level but talks sweetly if i say all is good, team is good, and smile. He says he is improving my skillset by making me stop QA altogether.
• Thus no separate test tickets for validation but team is relying on integration tests and unit tests considering their change as source of truth(copilot)
• Still asked to update the automated reg f/w i made in case of feature change because pure devs dont have time to learn this f/w.
• Leadership misalignment between non-tech manager and technical product lead
• Heavy ad hoc bug/support work with little to no recognition.
• Excluded from an important dev tool demo last week by EU counterpart while newer pure dev hires were included, it felt so humiliating when the juniors were asking why aren't you coming to the offline meeting room - didnt you get invite. (all former testers across sister teams were excluded too)
• Confidence has taken a major hit due to repeated mixed messaging and public call-outs

At this point, I feel like:

• I’m expected to continuously overperform, overwork
• Adapt to changing roles
• Fill process gaps
• Take accountability

…but without proper title alignment, recognition, or growth.

My core team is a bunch of introverts so they smile and talk but give negative feedback on my back to my manager, at least tell me where I need to improve before calling me out publicly or to the higher-ups.

My biggest dilemma:

Should I continue trying to prove myself internally in hopes of finally transitioning properly into DevOps/Development?

OR

Should I cut my losses, upskill aggressively, and switch, even in this brutal market with layoffs and fewer opportunities? i cannot interview for 10YOE pure dev work because TBH I cannot fake that exp level and I am completely out of touch for automation QA role since last 3 years.

Would really appreciate advice from anyone who has:

• Transitioned from QA → DevOps/Dev
• Faced role mismatch after joining
• Been undervalued despite taking on more
• Switched during difficult hiring conditions

Right now, this situation has seriously damaged my professional confidence, and I want to approach my next steps logically rather than emotionally. Am I overthinking if not, any practical advice would mean a lot.