is it only me?
Is it only me, or does anyone else just not know what they want to be in life?
When I was little, movies inspired my imagination so much. I would dress up as a cowboy, a soldier, or pretty much anything, and create fake scenarios and stories in my head. I could spend hours just making things up and pretending I was someone else.
Then things started to change. I started getting into social media, especially YouTube, and I fell in love with the idea of becoming a content creator. My sister and I would record fake YouTube challenges, make up videos, and basically just use our imaginations to create things. I was little, though, so I never really took it seriously.
Then I got my first PC in 2020 and started streaming games like Fortnite, Valorant, and others. But once again, I never truly committed to it, and eventually I moved on to something else.
And honestly, if I had to describe the last seven years of my life, I would say my mind has been a fucking mess.
It feels like I'll have this AMAZING idea one day, and I'll execute it while seeing so much potential and vision in it. I'll be completely obsessed with it and feel like, "This is it. This is what I want to do." Then a few weeks later, I'll stop and move on to something completely different. Just like that.
I could probably name 50 different things I've tried doing.
And that's really why I'm here.
Yesterday, I started researching my zodiac sign, Pisces, and I noticed that a lot of the things I read actually felt weirdly relatable. I started looking into little things about myself that I had never really thought about before.
For example, music.
I LOVE music. Whatever song I'm listening to is usually how I'm feeling at that exact moment. If I'm sad, I'll listen to sad music. If I'm happy, I'll listen to something that matches that feeling. I don't really listen to sad songs when I'm happy, or happy songs when I'm sad. Music almost feels like an extension of whatever is going on inside my head.
And movies are another huge one for me.
I love movies because I feel like I'm actually inside of them. I love watching someone take an idea, an imagination, or a story that existed only in their head and somehow bring it to life on a screen. There's something about that that has always fascinated me.
I haven't drawn in a long time, but when I was in school, I used to draw these random lines that would connect and go in all different directions until the entire page was filled. When I finished, I wouldn't even decide what it was supposed to be. I'd just look at it and let someone else decide what they thought it was.
It almost felt like I wasn't even drawing it myself. I was just letting whatever was in my head come out.
There are so many more things I could sit here and talk about, but I guess I'm really here because I'm trying to understand myself as a person.
And honestly, I can't even do that right now.
I'm scared to start another new idea because I feel like I'll just end up doing what I've always done. I'll become obsessed with it, see an entire future for it, put everything into it for a little while, and then eventually lose interest and move on.
But at the same time, I don't want to keep living like that.
And maybe this sounds weird, but I think deep down, I just wish I could be everything.
I want to create movies. I want to make videos. I want to make music. I want to tell stories. I want to create things that exist in my imagination and somehow bring them into the real world.
Maybe that's why I've struggled so much with figuring out what I want to be.
Maybe I don't actually want to be just one thing.
