Separated for a year, should I begin to move on? Long post.
TLDR at the bottom
My (40f) and my wife (39f) have been married for 5 years together for 12. I left last July, my wife has battled addiction since she was 18. When we met she was in the height of it (alcohol). Binge/ purge type, she couldn’t hold a job would puke constantly and many times I would find her passed out. I worked. She’s been in the AA program twice with it sticking the second time(as far as I know).
The first time she went I gave her an ultimatum, get sober or I am leaving. This was after some major events that took place for me to have had enough, eg: driving drunk(she did get hit in my car while she was drunk driving), hospital visit for alcohol poisoning, and physical altercations. My daughter(12f at the time) had also just moved in with us and I couldn’t have that around her.
Her sobriety lasted 2 years, she began gaming intensely and smoking weed heavily. I never complained because it was better than having to clean up any messes she caused. I’m talking gaming 12+ hours a day and I NEVER told her to give it up or limited her game time, it kept her occupied. In this time I helped her find a career in aviation(I did it in the army) and she got all her certifications.
She found a job that was 14 hrs away we were planning to move(me my wife and my daughter) I decided that it was not an ideal situation for my child due to her sobriety still being in the infant phase, and made the choice not to go. Being 14 hrs away from any kind of support or family with my 12 y/o child could have put us in a difficult spot if relapse happened. I begged her not to go and explained if she goes we will not work because I can’t trust her living that far away alone due to her addiction issues. She chose to leave.
After she left she drained our bank account and shut off my daughters and my phone. ( I paid for them and the bill and it was in my name but she was on the account). Two months after my ex (not my wife)contacted me and we began seeing each other. My wife contacted me 3 months later, her car broke down, she asked if I could take out a $5,000 loan and come get her. I got the loan that day on my lunch break, and began the 14 hr drive after work was done that same day.
I broke it off with my ex and my wife wanted to make things work. I agreed because I absolutely loved her. A month later she started drinking again. Worse than before, more stuff happens I give her the ultimatum again and she kicks me and my daughter out. We went to stay with my mom.
In this time I slept with a man, trying to burn the bridge if my wife wanted to get back together…again(unresolved childhood trauma response, I would never do this now thanks to therapy).
A couple weeks go by and lo and behold she wants to talk. I agree but tell her she has to come to my mom’s. She asked to work things out, I said if that’s what you want then I have to tell you something. I told her about the guy and said if she still wants to work it out we can but you will have to work on forgiving me. She said she needs to think, goes to her friend calls me a sl*t but then wants me to come back. I explained I did what I did bc I was trying to burn that bridge with you, you kicked me and my child out. I honestly didn’t think I would even entertain the possibility of reconciliation again due to the amount of trauma she had already caused.
What can I say I’m a sucker for love(aka stupid). She was still drinking but said it was under control . Haha I know, our sex life dropped significantly because I was still processing the damage she has done and she could not get over my infidelity. She thought and vocalized I was a sl*t on numerous occasions. We did couples therapy but she always turned it into a competition so I gave up and didn’t bring up her drinking anymore.
Well, the drinking increased, one night in front of my daughter after I dumped her alcohol she smashed my dinner in my face, my daughter was 15 and put my wife up against a wall. Then I came home one night after work and she was super inebriated. I dumped every ounce of alcohol in the house again.She hid her car keys bc she knew I would dump it. So I boxed her car in with mine. Of course she tried to. Due to the last occurrence with my dinner in my face I told my mom to record on her phone if my wife started her crap again. Well I am glad I had her do that bc she did and this time assaulted my mom and went to jail.
Well we separated this time for 6 months. I went to therapy, found healthy hobbies and finally got medicated properly( diagnosed auDHD). Worked on me. My wife in this time totaled my car I let her have committed a hit and run, she called me for help when I got there the amount of empty alcohol containers would put sailors to shame. That was her rock bottom and she finally got sober again. 6 months later she wanted to try again. You guessed it of course I said hell yes!
Guess what? She developed a new addiction. She started drinking Kratom. I had no idea what the stuff was until the same patterns started to arise. She was spending close to $1,000 a month on it . Weird stuff started happening with a co worker , I accused her of sleeping with a guy and she slapped literal dog shit in my face, she became withdrawn got a new position making significantly more money. I accused her of cheating( that’s a huge assumption other story). Her new position required relocation. Luckily near her family and my daughter was 18 starting college so she wouldn’t be going with us.
Our sex life now was basically 0 no intimacy no dates she went weeks one time without kissing me. I begged for any crumb of affection but she would just say it will take time, bc she is still hurt from the cheating accusations. We moved for her job and nothing changed I asked to talk one night and she said that she didn’t even want me to come. The next week I was unpacking and found 2 pairs of underwear that were not mine. I confronted her about the cheating again and she shut down. At this point she was 2 weeks sober from kratom. She had her rock bottom when I had to manually remove fecal matter from her.
I left after a month of moving there with her.
2 weeks later I reached out and she is on a Christian journey to sobriety. I am finally hopeful.
But she doesn’t want to fix things yet bc she is still hurt I left. We text and talk regularly but then she decides that we shouldn’t talk on the phone anymore. Doesn’t ask for a divorce just says she has some really bad addiction issues she’s trying to fix. I have respected the no phone call boundary.
Now we come to recent events. I had to move to a different state. It’s been a year since I left and 10 months since our last phone call. We text almost everyday but she doesn’t share anything about her life. I recently found out from a mutual that she bought a house. Has not mentioned this at all to me and when I finally said some she just said thank you for the support. She has still not mentioned divorce, and honestly I don’t want that. But I can tell something is off, shorter messages no context but why no talk of divorce?
What would any of you do, has anyone gone through something like this? Should I start dating? (Not looking for hook ups) I just don’t know if I should still be hopeful or move on for good. Trust me I know all I have been through with her sounds exhausting but we had some really good times. Addiction can distort a person from who they really are so I don’t hold anything against her.
TLDR: newly sober wife (separated for one year)will not talk to me over the phone(it’s been 10 months the), we text almost daily bought a house without me knowing, should I start dating?