u/Idividual-746b

So some context: I'm bipolar and I had my fisrt and hopefully only episode of psycosis in 2023 I anded up in a psych ward, talking to people who weren't there everyday, insessantly. OCD had gotten out of control and Mainly I was just telling people I had OCD and apologising for telling them in increadingly worrying ways. I runied a few friendships and some people never forgave me. I know I was ill, but I fall back into shame/guilt spirals frequently. Therapy really helped me and I'm going to make an album about my expereince soon.

ERP: I used ERP techniques to overcome the social anxiety and am mainly compulsion free aside from rumination. This is what I need help with. What other techniques are usefull to stop ruminating. I'm trying to tell my brain that it's over and it won't listen.

I had my big episode in 2023 - psychosis, talking to people who weren't there for most of the year - and in that time I reached out, and would not stop contacting, a group of three people (an ex, their friend, and their partner). I was reported for harassment and I could not stop myself doing it again, however the last attempt at contact resulted in a welfare check instead of escalation.

I was incredibly grateful for that and it's hard knowing that I can't say thank you, apologise (every message was an apology), or simply explain what happened in my episode, though in all honesty they know enough and I am aware this is my OCD talking.

I can't find any evidence I said anything insulting or threatening. I know I was seriously ill, talking to myself incessantly, hallucinating, disassociating and finding myself in strange parts of London with absolutely no idea of how I got there. And of course there was the breakdown that landed me in hospital, where I started recovereing and learned I was bipolar.

I took accountability for my actions and said I would gladly plead guilty if anyone wanted to press charges. I have found it so much easier to stay away since getting on the right meds just after the welfare check. I’ve been doing really well until recently. My therapy concluded in February and I felt very happy with it, but things got worse recently because my OCD is trying to convince me I’m lying about my psychosis or that I could have done worse things I just can't remember.

I’m wondering how other bipolar people work though the shame and guilt that can come after psychosis. I know I wasn’t in control. I know I was vulnerable and needed help and I have been given some recognition I was ill so this is a chapter I should be able to close. I’m well. I just want to stop thinking about this.

I think I just need to hear the perspectives of other bipolar people and how they’ve recovered mentally from major mistakes made in ill patches.