u/Ihylala

My child’s father is court ordered to pay child support 1st & 3rd Friday of the month.
It used to be Thursdays but he changed it to Friday- I told my lawyer if we allow him to change it even just a little detail. He will take that inch and go a mile, and I was right.
He now is claiming he cannot pay on the days that were court ordered (keep in mind he did not bring this up in court this was all of a sudden), and he will pay when his paycheck hits.
I was expecting a payment and planned my financial stuff around it and was actually going to go buy my child what she needed and when i realized he never sent it and i reached out; despite me emphasizing our kid needs stuff he refused to send it and said you’re gonna have to wait. Keep in mind he’s going out with friends and spending money on other people. I’m baffled because if you know you have to pay in certain days, why not put the money to the side so you can pay on time?
Knowing your kid needs stuff and refusing to send anything honestly has me in shock.
I knew this would happen the minute they allowed him to change the day of the week, am I tripping for being upset about this? Like it’s court ordered, you kid needs it, but you still wanna try to make the rules and don’t care because it inconveniences you?

* SORRY FOR THE LONG POST*

I didn’t realize what I was experiencing was considered DV. I honestly thought it was just, idek, just relationship ups and downs. Deep down I always knew something was “off” but he managed to convince me it wasn’t that bad and that I’m over reacting, being a bitch, doing too much or just laugh it off saying he was drunk so it didn’t count.

It went from, black outs every week and just being too drunk to function.
Then, blackouts every week and drinking and driving and crashing.
Then, blackouts every week, getting physical and crashing out on friends and strangers
Then, blackouts every week, crashing cars, getting physical with people, starting to intimidate me, and suicidal thoughts.
Then, all of the above, intimidating me, purposely making me uncomfortable and getting in my face and squeezing my neck til I visibly got scared and he’d start cracking up making fun of me for being scared, all this almost every week & even while I was pregnant.
And he only did this while we were alone, idk how blacked out him knew to do it only when we were alone.
This continued for 1-2 years. Everyone always let him or even encouraged him to get drunk bc it’s the only way they truly had fun & they found his behavior while drunk hilarious. Then almost always dumped him with me, or he’d spam call me telling me to get him or he’d do this that and the 3rd.

I ended up feeling responsible for him because it seemed like no one cared, and I loved him. So I so stupidly always willingly went to get him and deal with him while drunk even if he was scaring me because the urge to keep him safe was overriding my fear-because at the same time, he had me convinced it wasn’t that bad and I was doing too much thinking it was bad.

It got worse once he started getting guns, he’d get drunk, get his gun, start pacing around with it in his hand just mumbling to himself saying he was going to kill himself, kill random people in the street, would just stare at me in silence while holding the gun. Then he’d storm out saying the people outside were out to get him and he had to get them first. Regardless if I told him what he would do the next day he’d just laugh, and redo it all the next week.

He had me wrapped around his finger I was so blind to it all. Thinking I was doing too much, it wasn’t bad, he’s just having fun, and I have to take care of him like I should because he was my lover.

It got to the point that when he’d laugh a certain way I knew what I’d be dealing with in a few hours so I’d start locking doors, taking away keys, hide the gun & begin to hide bottles. In my head, I was “keeping him safe”, not realizing I was subconsciously doing all that to prevent me having to deal with more than I should.

Everyone saw this. Nobody said anything. They’d just laugh it off, or just joke about it, or just sigh and basically say that’s how he is, and just leave me to deal with him.

On top of this, I got pregnant, and while dealing with all of this, he had a while bunch of secret lives. Treating other women like queens while I had to hold it all together. While continuously lying to me, manipulating me and gaslit me about everything to make me think I was crazy.

Oh and he almost killed his own child while drunk! Then laughed about it the next day!

After we split, we attempted to coparent, but one of our agreements was he’d get help and stop drinking for our kid. Of course, he lied everytime. Even going as far as pretending to be a man of God, just to get drunk and crash a car and get arrested later that night and go to jail.
I foolishly kept believing he was sober because I truly thought he’d do it for his kid.
He was so good at hiding it til he slipped up one day, got drunk and harassed me and essentially threatened me. That was the day I realized it wasn’t going to stop unless I did something, it was the first time I called the police to report him, and the police helped me realize I could get a restraining order.

Court came around, we basically agreed if he got help and brought the proof that he did, we’d drop the case because I just wanted him to be a safe person for his kid.
He lied about getting help to the judge, said he couldn’t get in contact with the people who helped him so he couldn’t get the paperwork. So I decided I was tired of giving him grace and took it to a hearing. I told my story, unfortunately due to being manipulated and gaslit the whole time, I never documented anything. I always told myself he was just having fun and this was temporary. I was also embarrassed to admit to people that I was dealing with all of that because the one time I did my friends reaction made me feel ashamed?

I was granted a plenary order, and now, since I had no proof of what he would do to me, because also he never did enough to leave marks on me. The only thing that was able to be seen was the hole in the door from when he was upset because I refused to sleep with him after he got blacked out while I was heavily pregnant and ruined my night and dragged me to the room by my hair.

He’s telling everyone I had no proof because there’s nothing to prove because he did nothing. Keep in mind, he convinced himself because “it didn’t count because he was drunk and doesn’t remember”. He did everything in the book, and claims he never ever did ANYTHING to me. All his friends agree and say I’m bitter. Which honestly has me so baffled, because what? Did we not see the same things? The same behavior from him? They don’t believe he did that to me.
They don’t believe a man who has assaulted his own friends while drunk, crashes cars and rages while drunk, didn’t do the same to me behind closed doors.
They think I’m doing this because he left me for another woman, it upset me yes. But i took action because he lied about sobriety and I realized it was all going to continue and potentially put my child in harms way.

Am I crazy? Like was that not DV? Idk sometimes the mindset of “I’m crazy and it’s not that bad” overrides my logic. Hearing him say there’s no proof, nobody ever saw him doing that to me.
Hearing everyone call me bitter and that I’m doing too much and nothing happened, his family ignoring me and not wanting to be part of my child’s life or see her because of what’s happening. There’s sooo much more to it but it’s like my brain is slowly putting a lock on my memory

I’m not sure if I’m just wanting to rant, get advice, opinions or confirmation I’m not crazy. Part of me feels so guilty about all of this.

If you read all of this. I’m thankful for your time.