u/Illustrious-Emperor

I carry trauma from previous layoffs I faced into my current firm and I've started becoming very unsure about every single thing that comes out of my mouth and I'm also having heavy amounts of self doubt.

And I have a lot more problems and I'm looking for their solutions.

My thoughts race every single day when my manager gives me instructions, I get anxious even when I'm faced with a small bug or challenge when I'm developing features.

My manager is quite strict and expects things to be done in time, but sometimes I'm hyper focused on the wrong things especially when trying to debug and this is affecting me very badly where something I need to debug takes me a day instead of an hour completely breaking my work life balance requiring weekend working which I don't do due to my weak executive dysfunction (I have ADD)

My brain raises and my heart starts beating fast whenever I'm asked a question, requiring me to guess to get out of the high pressure situation, along with this I'm always unsure of everything I say making me look like a "flake" or an extremely low performer who doesn't know anything.

I also deal with chronic procrastination since I don't enjoy my work right now as it's fully grunt work with no learning or barely anything relevant to me.

I don't take meds yet, how do I fix all these recurrent issues, which have made my working life the worst... please help me.

Everywhere I go from the time I've been 5 till now one thing has been eating away from me. The fear that I'll never find a place where I truly belong Especially in a world that is becoming extremely hyper competitive every single day with social media coming in it feels like the difficulty level has been 10xed and a lot more expectations are placed on you both professionally on your job and academically.

Growing up no matter the activity I did, be it trying to do well at school, do well at work, do well at martial arts which I used to be passionate for, do well at boxing, heck doing well at online games like COD amongst my peers, I've always felt like an outcast.

It felt like no matter how hard I worked, I'd never reach their levels and I've always had to put in double the amount of time as compared to a normal person which pains me and leaves me very tired with no time for other activities in life.

Seeing people achieve and do stuff with ease while I'm hoping I get a life jacket or rely solely on luck hoping my brain activates

(it blanks out a lot btw ) While other people flourish and see my struggle pains me.

I want to break this loop, I do not want my quality of life to be blunt to get affected by all this, I feel like I'm not living up to my potential despite forcing myself and wanting your guy's thoughts.

I've literally gotten fired because of this problem saying I've not been a fit so I feel like it's a life threat to me too...

All of my life I've always been a little slow and less confident. I've always felt like I've only struggled through my life and never been able to enter a comfort zone in my life whereas my peers after a few tries no matter what things have been able to perform well in both work and in school.

I've already gotten fired twice due to my poor performance for just missing one or two deadlines in an ownership driven and high expectations environment and in my current as well I'm threading on a fine line.

Let me explain about my firm, I'm a software engineer here with a good team and I realised that I might not be a good fit here and my manager is a very strict person.

My manager is like a colonel he expects instant answers and doesn't tolerate failures and this has created a high stress environment for me and I'm jealous of other friends or colleagues here who don't have as high stakes of a situation and I feel very out of place here where every single mistake I make due to my low working memory is monitored. I want to thrive and I've been trying to fight my low executive function here to ensure I'm not a poor performer so that I don't get fired (I got fired already once and one layoff) since it would hit me hard now and I have a very rocky career.

I want to know how to perform in a high stakes environment, I can't keep running away from my problems and will definitely need to perform in life so how can I thrive in a high pressure environment because I feel like even if I switch to another company I will definitely have moments like this it's just that here it's daily and it's constant fire fighting.

I definitely like the remote policy here due to my ADD and some of the benefits and have decent team mates except that I've been hit by imposter syndrome the same feeling from school and feel very out of place...

I've always sucked at multi-tasking even if it's mundane like turning on music and washing the dishes and listening to podcasts and eating food.

Oftentimes I'm required to multi task in life to ensure that I am able to operate optimally and oftentimes it's enforced on me based on circumstances both in life and work and I've always sucked at this. I realised that doing just one task while having a ton of tasks in reserve is itself very exhausting for me so multi-tasking seems very far fetched for me.

How do you guys multi-task with quality? Whenever I try, I tend to mess up everything, all of my tasks and I wanted to ask how do you guys solve this?

I struggle with scatterbrain whenever I get a little bit of less sleep, caffeine helped me but made me jittery and I don't take any medicines yet.

I wanted to find out what strategies you guys use when you aren't able to remember details which you vaguely remember or have in the tip of your tongue but aren't able to and how you deal with scatterbrain when your brain is running at over a 100 MPH hampering your executive function along with a short working memory especially when performing stressful or important or high stakes activities both in your personal life and at work?

I always crumble under all this and look for a restart which is hoping I survive today so that tomorrow won't be as bad but sometimes you're forced to perform and you tend to crack because of all this and wanted to find out proper strategies to deal with all this.