u/Illustrious-Put4522

Trigger warning for talk of b/p, restriction, and mention of suicide, self harm

Background
I had been a “casual” bulimic (? No official diagnosis) since I was 12/13 years old. I remember watching a small clip of this show called “the crown” where I first learnt about purging. I did not even watch the show, that one clip has ruined my life. I do not understand how it affected me or why it got bad. I did “recover” for a period of time only to gain weight which inevitably made me relapse after my pe teacher pointed it out infront of everyone. Since then it’s only gone downhill.
I’ve also had history of starving myself but not to the point of becoming underweight because it always goes hand in hand with relapsing back into bulimia. But that has changed recently. I now starve and restrict more than I b/p and I’m scared and lost.

Now
For a few months now I restrict heavily, b/p once or twice a month and have lost the most weight I have through the entirety of my eating disorder history. I feel numb for weeks till I binge/purge and everything just comes crashing down. I have done too many disgusting things because of my disorder and I’m so tired of it. I lie, I throw out food, I avoid hanging out with people, I buy binge food to purge, i have a bag of uneaten food that rots in my room because I lie and say I’m eating in my room,I do not engage in any of my previous hobbies, etc.

I have told no one about this and it’s killing me. Every time I b/p, due to the intense emotions I often also relapse back into self harm too which just makes me hate my body even more. It also brings passive suicidal thoughts into the forefront of my mind. Alongside my bpd diagnosis, I’m afraid I will lose the only people I have left in my life because of this stupid disorder that has taken so much from me. I can’t focus on my studies or my future. It is important that I find a way to leave my family and take my sibling with me but I can’t because I’ve just been so preoccupied with my disorder. It has never been this bad and I’m so tired. Alongside other issues in my life and mental health , I am so exhausted.

I don’t even know if this post makes sense or if anyone will answer but I just need to get this off my chest and would appreciate any tips on how to try to recover at home. I am unable to get professional help and truly believe I don’t “deserve” to recover yet (which is stupid I know) but I can’t keep living like this either. By December I am planing to try to do a semi recovery thing that will (hopefully) help me clear my mind and get my life back.
The purpose of this post is to vent mostly but to also ask for advice from anyone older who’s gone through the same/similar situation as me.