this is the first time i ever sit with my sexuality
hello M, 23 here.
i just got home after attending a celebration, and i felt so out of place that i was about to cry, but still held it together until i got home. i think all of you have probably seen posts like this before, so i'll just keep it straight and say what i am feeling right now.
growing up, i always felt like the odd one out. i was constantly bullied for the way i presented myself and how i looked to other people, and i just shrugged it off while still believing in the idea that i was not what they saw in me. i grew up carving myself into someone i could survive as. i built my own principles with pure conviction, and held onto all the little magics i believed in without the approval of the people around me.
but now that i finally have the time and space to sit alone with all the things i've kept buried inside myself, i feel like i am slowly crumbling apart under the weight of it all. i don't want to feel like a prisoner inside my own flesh. i don't want to feel like i don't belong anywhere anymore. i don't want to feel like there is something wrong with me, or like there is something in me that needs to be fixed. and it has become this never-ending cycle that i always fall back into whenever i feel like i am losing who i am. sometimes i wonder how long i've been abandoning myself in the process of trying to become someone easier for the world to understand.
for all my years of living, this is the first time that i have finally admitted to myself that i am bisexual. and saying those words feels both freeing and heartbreaking at the same time. freeing because, for once, i am finally allowing myself to exist as who i truly am. heartbreaking because i spent so many years questioning myself, running in circles around my own identity, and carrying feelings that i could never fully explain to anyone around me. there were so many moments in my life where i wished i could just wake up and stop feeling conflicted about myself. but no matter how much i tried to silence it, it always found its way back to me.
and maybe that's because this has always been who i am. i want to be where i am. i want to feel like there is something in this world for me. i want to finally "be" beyond all of these "i don't want to"s that have followed me for years. so now, i am surrendering myself in the hopes that people will finally hear who i am and understand how i want to live the life that was given to me. all i want from the people reading this is to simply hear me. to hear these things i've wanted to say for so long.
thank you if you ever reached until this end :)