u/IllustriousSundae871

I (29F) am an only child so maybe this is why I can’t understand it (at least that’s what my fiancé (29M) says).

My fiancé (29M) used to have a close relationship to his siblings growing up, and was particularly close to his older sister (30F). She has somewhat a difficult personality. She is quick to judge and shows no restraint in giving her opinion and making negative comments about any situation, even when it’s not necessary and might hurt other people (for “the sake of being honest”). I find it a bit difficult to deal with her sometimes, because no matter if her actions or comments hurt me, my fiancé still expects me to ignore it and want her around, and brushes it off with “her being this way, and her being his sister”. He mostly tries to find an explanation to her behavior, no matter how bad it is.

For a long time he had this picture in mind that we would all get along really well and would be one big, happy family, but he is now starting to realize this might not happen. He pushed me to ignore her comments and attitude for quite some time, but recently realized the problem lies mostly with her (she admitted she doesn’t think relationships last and would not think anyone he dates would ever be enough - hence her recent behavior towards us during our engagement). This impacted him quite a bit at the time, but since then he has gone back to being the ever forgiving brother. I maybe should add I have a good relationship with his parents and younger sisters - the problem is only with her.

I don’t know how to proceed about this. I understand she’s his sister and he will always care about her, but I don’t understand enabling her behavior regardless of the circumstances or letting her face no consequences. I have developed an aversion to having her around, because I have a feeling she will always feel like she can act however she wants around me without facing any consequences. My fiancé says I should still be nice and friendly with her because this is who I am, and he doesn’t seem willing to change anything in his relationship with her, regardless of how she acts towards me.

How would you proceed if you were in my shoes? Is it true that because I am an only child, I don’t understand that this is how one should behave when they have a sibling?

TL;DR: my fiancé says that because I am an only child, I don’t understand the bond between siblings, which apparently includes letting them act however they want without facing any consequences.

My fiancé (29M) and I (29F) are planning our wedding and very excited about it all (despite the stress of planning, of course). Both families are very supportive and we all get along really well, the exception being his older sister (30F).

She has a bit of a shitty personality, and I feel that the family has always enabled her behavior and never called her out on it, because “this is who she is”. She seems to be unable to appreciate other people’s accomplishments and be happy for them (for example, we buy a new car and are very excited about it and she can’t even say something nice about it or at least show that she is happy for us - mind you, she doesn’t even own a car and keeps borrowing the parents’ cars). She is also unable to give complements (for example, we moved to a new flat and once we were done buying the furniture and arranging everything, we invited the family for a dinner and while everybody was complimenting the flat and decoration, all she said was “you know I can’t say anything” - mind you, she had to add her dad’s name to her rent contract, otherwise she would not have been able to afford it on her own). In the past she has complained about houses her dad has rented for holidays and restaurants they wanted to go to, and no one ever called her out even when these comments hurt.

During our wedding planning, she told my fiancé (very direct and aggressively) that she didn’t like the venue we chose, and afterwards made sure to tell us a couple of times that she didn’t understand why we had chosen it when she hadn’t like it. After this, we decided not to include her in the wedding planning, because we didn’t want to risk her comments hurting us or taking away our excitement. My fiancé argues that he doesn’t care about what she thinks, and that she’s always been this way, but that he can see how it’s not nice. He tried talking to her about her behavior and how it had hurt me, but she dismissed it and said she “was just being honest and she couldn’t watch out what she says around me just so she doesn’t hurt me”.

For most of our engagement, she has shown no interest and has barely talked to us. She was very happy when we told her we were engaged, so the whole thing really confused me. She then proceeded to book a trip around our wedding celebration, which would make her miss some of the celebrations (it will be a multi-day wedding). Overall, I just thought it was an extreme lack of consideration. After what I assume was pressure from the family she decided to cancel the trip and be there for the whole wedding. She never actually told us about the decision to cancel the trip - his mom told us. Her parents said she is just very bad at communication in general, but that they also couldn’t understand her behavior and agreed she should come to us and talk. 

 

Only recently has she realized she screwed up. This happened when she texted me about wanting to talk and that my fiancé could be around if I preferred it that way, and I was harsh on my reply and said that of course he would take part in it because she owed him an explanation as much as me. She replied she wasn’t aware she owed her brother an explanation (which just shows how she is, I guess), and that’s when she started to realize the dimension of what she’s done (her words).

She came to talk, seemed to understand our point of view, and demonstrated regretting her attitudes and being willing to fix things. She said until a certain point she didn’t realize the wedding was real and was happening. She then admitted to my fiancé that she hadn’t been around because she didn’t think our relationship was good, and she was worried I was with him just for the money, that I would one day move back to my country and take the kids with me. Needless to say, I was pissed at the false allegations about my character and my intentions with my fiancé. After being confronted about it, she admitted she realized she had crossed a line, and that’s the reason she had done all of this and stayed away was because she “doesn’t believe relationships can last” so she preferred to stay back. Maybe it’s worth saying that she has been seeing a guy for the last couple of months, and I think it’s the first serious relationship she’s ever had.

She then proceeded to tell me she was really really sorry, that she really admired me as a person, and that she wanted to make things right.

We tried going for dinner the three of us last week, and afterwards I realized she really is unable to be happy for us. She made some effort to show interest in the wedding planning and what was going on in our lives, but she couldn’t show genuine happiness for us. What do you mean you need to make active effort to be express happiness when you see your brother so happy??? It left me with a strange feeling. This is not someone I want to have around and definitely not someone I want to share my happiness with. My fiancé wrote her afterwards to ask if everything was ok because he thought her behavior was a bit off, and she just replied she was overwhelmed with the sound but that everything was good, and then proceeded to say that she wanted to do something just the siblings after the wedding - no mention about further efforts for mending our relationship before the wedding.

I talked to my fiancé about it, and he personally doesn’t care if she is happy for us or not - what matters for him is just being happy. He doesn’t care if she thinks everything is shitty or if she is unable to say something nice, because she has always been this way.  He thinks she showed an effort and we should continue working on this. I admire his ability to give a fuck, but I can’t be ok with having someone with such a personality around. I don’t feel like sharing things about my life with her, because she’ll either say it’s shitty or she will be unable to say something nice (if she thinks it’s nice?). I didn’t even want her at the wedding, but I understand it’s family and she should be there. 

What would you do in my situation? Would you find a way to keep her around and (I guess) just ignore her attitude and comments? Keep her around but call her out when she makes these comments? Or would you try to cut her out? I don’t know what to do because I feel like I have too much resentment in me, but at the same time I am not a confrontational kind of person, so I think I wouldn’t just call her out on the spot. I also can’t understand her behavior because I would never act the way she does….