u/Illustrious_Crab_556

I feel like I’m reaching a wall mentally and emotionally and I genuinely don’t know if I’m burned out, depressed, overwhelmed, addicted to escapism, drugs, or just incapable of handling life.

I’m in my 20s, living independently, working a demanding job, hustling with a second job, trying to maintain relationships, responsibilities, friendships, family expectations, and I feel like I’m drowning.

I feel like everyone constantly needs something from me. At work I’m always “on,” thinking, solving, managing, adapting. In my relationship I feel like the emotional regulator and mentor half the time. I push, pull, ask, give, give and give. With family I feel guilt constantly. I’m criticized, never good enough. Always asked why didn’t I do the x instead of y, never told it’s going to be okay. That I am good.

Even friendships started feeling like another responsibility to maintain correctly. I wanted friends so bad, I’m finally there in life where I have them, but I’m so tired and can’t even text back in 24 hours. I’m losing them.

And somewhere in all of this I completely lost myself.

I started relying heavily on weed, drugs, and fantasy/escapism to get through weeks and months. I was constantly high from the moment I open my eyes. Nobody knew. Nobody asked. I am constantly needing to mentally leave reality because reality feels emotionally exhausting and unbearably bland at the same time. I have no memory of weeks at work, but I still did it because I have to. I don’t know how. I guess I fell into autopilot.

I got deeply attached to fantasies of surrender, intensity, desire, being wanted, being taken over mentally by someone stronger or more certain than me because I’m so tired of always being the one holding everything together in real life. I am so embarrassed because this actually disgusts me. I disgust myself.

And the scary part is that fantasy started feeling more alive than my actual life.

I stopped smoking recently and I’m functioning better on paper, but emotionally I feel empty and strange. I guess I have dreams again, I don’t just knock out myself unconscious every night, but I hardly cry anymore even though I feel like I desperately need to. I feel exhausted in a way sleep doesn’t fully fix.

I didn’t imagine adulthood feeling like this. I thought if I worked hard enough and became independent I would finally feel stable and fulfilled, but instead I feel chronically overwhelmed, emotionally numb, overstimulated, and secretly fantasizing about disappearing somewhere where nobody needs anything from me anymore.

I think I just want relief. Real relief. Silence. Rest. To stop carrying everything for one fucking second.

I don’t even know why I’m posting this. I think I just need to know if other women have ever felt this disconnected from themselves while still functioning and appearing relatively normal from the outside.

I feel like I’m reaching a wall mentally and emotionally and I genuinely don’t know if I’m burned out, depressed, overwhelmed, addicted to escapism, drugs, or just incapable of handling life.

I’m in my 20s, living independently, working a demanding job, hustling with a second job, trying to maintain relationships, responsibilities, friendships, family expectations, and I feel like I’m drowning.

I feel like everyone constantly needs something from me. At work I’m always “on,” thinking, solving, managing, adapting. In my relationship I feel like the emotional regulator and mentor half the time. I push, pull, ask, give, give and give. With family I feel guilt constantly. I’m criticized, never good enough. Always asked why didn’t I do the x instead of y, never told it’s going to be okay. That I am good.

Even friendships started feeling like another responsibility to maintain correctly. I wanted friends so bad, I’m finally there in life where I have them, but I’m so tired and can’t even text back in 24 hours. I’m losing them.

And somewhere in all of this I completely lost myself.

I started relying heavily on weed, drugs, and fantasy/escapism to get through weeks and months. I was constantly high from the moment I open my eyes. Nobody knew. Nobody asked. I am constantly needing to mentally leave reality because reality feels emotionally exhausting and unbearably bland at the same time. I have no memory of weeks at work, but I still did it because I have to. I don’t know how. I guess I fell into autopilot.

I got deeply attached to fantasies of surrender, intensity, desire, being wanted, being taken over mentally by someone stronger or more certain than me because I’m so tired of always being the one holding everything together in real life. I am so embarrassed because this actually disgusts me. I disgust myself.

And the scary part is that fantasy started feeling more alive than my actual life.

I stopped smoking recently and I’m functioning better on paper, but emotionally I feel empty and strange. I guess I have dreams again, I don’t just knock out myself unconscious every night, but I hardly cry anymore even though I feel like I desperately need to. I feel exhausted in a way sleep doesn’t fully fix.

I didn’t imagine adulthood feeling like this. I thought if I worked hard enough and became independent I would finally feel stable and fulfilled, but instead I feel chronically overwhelmed, emotionally numb, overstimulated, and secretly fantasizing about disappearing somewhere where nobody needs anything from me anymore.

I think I just want relief. Real relief. Silence. Rest. To stop carrying everything for one fucking second.

I don’t even know why I’m posting this. I think I just need to know if other women have ever felt this disconnected from themselves while still functioning and appearing relatively normal from the outside.