Hi guys, please read this and lmk if I'm being abused xx
Ever since I was a child, I've been tortured by my parents. And I'm saying this both physically and psychologically.
I have vivid memories of five-year-old me having lunches taken away from me because I wanted to play outside. Seven-year-old me being forced to sleep on the ground with cockroaches. Ten-year-old me literally dragged, by the hair, around my household and kicked because I accepted a gift from one of my friends in the grade below me. Ive been beaten with a shoe and my dad has had to take me to hotels to escape my mom's beatings.
I have a scar on my forehead from my mom lunging at me and scratching me after I started crying bc I wanted to have a sleepover with my friends. I was 11.
I always thought every kid went through these same experiences, so around a year ago (I'm in tenth grade in present day), I told my best friend a couple of these memories, expecting her to laugh it off with me, but she genuinely got so concerned she turned white. I got scared too, and asked my parents about it. They said that it was normal and I was overreacting.
Around this time I started getting instagram reels about mental health and realized I was experiencing some form of mental abuse. I haven't smiled genuinely in months, people know me as the funniest girl in school but they don't know that I want to end my life every time I step into my house. I cry really easily and I average around 4 hours of sleep a night. My parents have always demanded that I go to Harvard and be a doctor and they will do absolutely anything to get me there.
I do a year-round sport, play piano, take part in many clubs, have a 4.7 gpa, have a nonprofit, and I'm taking 4 aps right now as a sophomore. I'm just so overwhelmed and whenever I bring this up to my parents, they take examples of kids who are better than me so I honestly just don't talk to them about this stuff anymore.
I'm not saying I'm ungrateful--no, there have been many moments where they've done so many things to help me, whether it be paying $10k for a prestigious research institute that I'm going to this summer, or staying up late nights to help me with studying for a test. But my mental health has been so scarred. I'm so tired. I'm crying while I write this post, and I'm debating even posting it.
As I write this post right now, my mom is shit talking me to my sister, saying mental problems aren't real and that a monster has consumed me. I know I'm going to get another beating tonight and I'm just looking forward to school tomorrow. I am listening to them talking about how I make everything about myself, and I have a bully at school right now who my mother is currently idolizing (saying I deserve to be bullied because I'm psychotic). I hate my life so much I need help.
Once I brought up my mental health to my parents because I had begun to do SH (this was a few months ago). I hated myself for it, and once when my mom got really mad at me she begun throwing things around and I said I wanted to kill myself and she said "I wish you had died instead of (my late cousin who passed away a year ago)". She's always been saying she wants me dead, how I should have been a boy, etc., but I never really thought much about it until now. I find myself wondering, more often now than before, how people would react to my suicide. I hate life so much I just want to go to college.