Posting this again on this community, maybe I can get help
I don’t know exactly when it started, but I remember the moment I became aware of it.
I’m a 22-year-old girl, and for a long time I thought I was just “confident” or “fun.” I like being noticed. I like when people look at me, especially guys. Even when I’m just walking somewhere, a part of me hopes that people are watching me, admiring me, maybe even having a crush on me. I don’t say this out loud, but it’s always there in my mind.
The strange thing is, I’m already in a relationship. I love my fiancé, but this need for attention doesn’t just disappear. I still catch myself wanting validation from others, imagining scenarios in my head where people are impressed by me, attracted to me, or obsessed with me. It feels good in the moment, like a quick boost.
But everything changed after a fight with my fiancé.
During that fight, I realized something uncomfortable — I can be manipulative. Not always, but enough that it scared me. I noticed how I sometimes twist situations, or react in ways that make him feel guilty. The worst part is, I don’t always notice it in the moment. Only later, when I calm down, I feel bad and apologize.
That realization hit me hard. After that, I started overthinking everything about myself.
I googled things. I read about narcissism. And suddenly, I started seeing myself in those descriptions — the need for admiration, the attention-seeking, the fantasies, the emotional reactions. It made me anxious. I started questioning: “What if I have NPD?”
And then something else started happening.
I began to constantly check myself. Again and again, I would think, “I think I have NPD.” That thought would trigger anxiety. Then another thought would come: “Am I actually worried about hurting people… or just worried about my image?”
That second thought disturbed me even more.
It felt like a double layer in my mind — one part of me feeling guilty and scared, and another part questioning if that guilt is even real or just about how I appear. I started doubting my own intentions.
I even went back into my past, replaying old memories, trying to “find proof.” After reading about narcissism, I started reinterpreting things I did before — normal moments suddenly felt suspicious, like maybe I was always selfish and just never noticed.
Now it feels like I’m stuck in a loop:
Overthinking → searching → finding signs → more anxiety → more doubt.
What confuses me is that I do feel bad. I do regret my behavior, especially when I hurt my fiancé. I’m sensitive to his criticism, and it affects me deeply. But at the same time, I can be selfish, and sometimes my empathy feels inconsistent.
So now I’m stuck between these thoughts:
Maybe I’m just insecure and overly self-aware,
or maybe I really am narcissistic and just don’t want to accept it.
I don’t fully understand myself yet. I just know that this awareness has made everything feel uncertain — my thoughts, my intentions, even my sense of who I am.
I’m not sharing this for validation. I just want to understand what’s really going on with me.