Feeling.. blah..
Not really sure what I’m looking for here.. just feeling some type of way and thought maybe letting it out or hearing other people’s experience(s) will help.
I had been training regularly from 2020/2021 up until maybe 9 months ago. I’m 38f and I have two teenage kids. At the time I started, both of my kids were probably under 10 years old. Training always made me feel really great - ’d always feel really good and strong. There were times I’d even use training to get some emotions out, for example, I was mourning 2 close family members (at separate times) and in the middle of a roll, I bursted out into tears. At the time it didn’t feel great, but after class and looking back now, it was/is quite therapeutic. Anyway about 9 months ago, life got pretty busy with kids, sports, work, mental health issues, etc. and I started missing my noon jiu jitsu class here and there. Then it turned into eventually cancelling the membership because I found I wasn’t going much and felt like I was throwing money away. I’m currently a 3 stripe blue belt and had I not stopped last summer, I likely would have promoted to my purple belt back in December. I just get so upset and disappointed when I think about it. It took FOREVER to get my blue belt (which I was fine with, I get it, I’m not a 22 year old kid with fresh new limbs anymore lol, and a family to take care of). When I was on track to get my purple belt I felt amazing. Well now, here I am with the same blue belt as before, feeling disappointed and frustrated with myself. I know it’s not about the color of belt, and that’s not exactly why I’m upset. I guess I’m more upset with myself for falling off training and now struggling to get back to it.. I hate feeling like a statistic (you know, the one where the majority of people and women don’t get past their blue belt). I want to go back - I miss rolling and feeling as strong as I used to, but now, just thinking about it gives me so much anxiety. The thought of showing up to this gym where these guys would get a really hard roll in with me previously and now knowing I’m so out of shape that I’d probably struggle to get through even one 6 minute roll. I don’t know. I’m just feeling a bit.. defeated.