Tired of being a glass child.
Ang bigat bigat sa puso ng nararamdaman ko right now. I know that my problems are not big and I should know how to handle it more maturely pero at the same time, all the resentment and unfair treatment that i’ve been receiving is making me feel like I don’t matter.
For context i’m a middle child. I have 2 other siblings, i have an ate and a younger brother. My sister has always been the energetic one, yung magaling makipag socialize and madali makipag kaibigan and she’s studing sa UP (matalino si ate) She’s had problems at the past before pero ever since nag open up sya kayna mommy na she’s mentally not okay, things changed around our family. Ever since nadiagnose siya ng severe depression my parents has been bending their backs just to provide for her. Naintindihan ko naman eh, i know that my mom has been harsh to us growing up. Very hot tempered, mabilis magalit, lagi kami sinisigawan over small things and pag nagagalit sya samin ay isusumbat nya lahat ng pagkakamali namin. Pero ever since ate has been diagnosed, i also saw how my mom changed for the better. She’s been more patient and understanding which i truly appreciate. Pero at the same time i saw how my parents give everything to my sister. Pinalaki kami na laging magtipid, wag magastos, wag bibili ng hindi kailangan. Pero for ate lahat ng gusto niya binibigay nila which at first naiitindihan ko. Pero i’ve always told my parents na if they want my sister to get better, it shouldn’t be because of materialistic things only. One time my parents bought a camera for her that costs almost 60k, masaya lang sya for 2 days and she went back to not talking to us and nagagalit sya over small things.
Sa totoo lang alam ko sa sarili ko na nakakaramdam ako ng inggit. Nakakaramdam ako ng inis na bakit ako hindi naman ako binigyan pansin ng ganon? Before when me and my mom were fighting, inamin ko sa kanya that i used to self harm and andami kong laslas and i even went as far as to trying to overdose myself (this was before madiagnose si ate namay depression. Waaayyy before) she just asked repeatedly bakit ko ginawa yun but i never got the help i needed. I became okay on my own terms. I don’t take it against my sister na mas naalagaan sya and mas binibigyan sya ng pansin ng mga magulang ko pero a big part of me definitely feels resentment towards my parents.
I feel like my sister at times takes advantage of the fact na my parents are willing to give her money and payagan siya kahit san. One time inaya niya ko na pumunta to a place na madaming pwedeng bilhin. Sabi ko hindi na ko sasama kasi i don’t have the money na igagastos dun (hence I can’t enjoy going there either since ano pa ba gagawin ko) and all she said was bibigyan naman sya ng pera nilamommy kasi she’s depressed and they don’t want her to die and laughed. I was so enraged kasi ang akin lang is yung parents namin alalang alala sa kanya pero for her parang ginagamit niya lang na excuse yung depression niya to get what she wants. MENTAL ILLNESS IS A REAL THING. I’m not disregarding that pero nung time na yun ang naisip ko how unfair it was.
There’s a lot more times that make me feel like i’m overlooked. I know i’m not as smart as them. Hindi naman ako anak na kaya nila ipagmalaki kasi si ate scholar sya, yung bata kong kapatid top sa batch niya. Ako? Wala.
I’m sorry if magulo yung kwento. I just needed to let it off my chest. I have a lot more times na i want to explain on how unfair they’ve been pero tinatamad na ko mag type😂