u/Imaginary-Seesaw-731

So my boyfriend (and father of my child) agreed to watch our toddler (16 months old) while I went to a dr appointment today where you can’t bring small children due to immunity risks (it’s a cancer center). I was gone for about an hour, I had changed my son’s diaper before I left, and gave his dad his bottle with son’s nutrition drink in it (he has severe GI issues and doesn’t eat normally or much at all, that’s not super relevant other than if there’s questions about why a 16 month old still takes a bottle as a main nutrition source). He gave him the bottle, set our son on the floor and promptly fell into a deep sleep (snoring and all) less than 10 mins after I left.

He set his nicotine vape right next to our son on the floor before he fell asleep, as I saw when I came home but also on our living room camera. Our son cried multiple times and tried to get his dad’s attention but he wouldn’t wake up and tend to him at all.

Currently, despite living together, I had filed for child support because he was refusing to buy any necessities for our son (diapers, wipes, food, literally anything) and he doesn’t do any of the caregiving day to day or at night. I’m a stay at home parent due to being disabled (in the process of trying to get disability) and because my son had many physical, occupational, and feeding therapies plus other appointments with his specialists (mainly GI) so even if I had a job, I couldn’t work enough to pay for childcare as I could only work part time with all of his appointments. So I take our son everywhere with me (except the places that clearly don’t allow young children for my own appointments, which has only been 2 appointments since he was born- his dad fell asleep while our son was awake during both times I had left them home together) and do all of his caregiving day and night. His dad typically refuses to buy diapers and wipes and food for our son or help with transportation to his appointments, this is why I filed for child support.

He seems to think that because he lives here (and is usually asleep when he is here) that means he does equal caregiving to me, which is far from true. Both times in my son’s life I’ve left him with his dad for about an hour alone, his dad fell asleep while our son was awake and left his vape within reach of our son and ignored his cries. Today I came home and found our son had pooped while his dad was asleep and he had been sitting in it for a while without his dad noticing.

Parent connection had an appt scheduled here at the time I got home and was appalled to see that bf was snoring clearly not watching our son while I was gone and that his vape was well within reach. He stayed asleep through the entire parent connection appointment which happened in the same room (living room) at normal volume plus toddler screeching (which he does when excited). Didn’t wake up at all until much later.

I told him that I won’t be leaving our son alone with him anymore because it’s not acceptable to fall asleep with our son awake especially having his vape in a very easy place where our toddler could get it. He got mad at me about ‘accusing’ him of neglecting our son, which I didn’t even say, I just said that he could’ve gotten sick had he used the vape or could’ve gotten hurt or potentially choked on other things his dad left in his reach and he wouldn’t have even noticed, which is not okay and not normal parenting. He said that I was being unfair about asking him to even watch our son in the first place. I asked him why he accepted to do it then, and he said “to prove I do equal caregiving for the child support case”.

Yeah, that’s nowhere near even half of what I do for our son- I certainly don’t fall asleep when he’s awake and he’s in the living room with me, I play with him , feed him, change his diapers, change his clothes, give him baths, get him ready in the morning and at night and get up with him at night if he needs me- all things his dad doesn’t do, and never has. So that made me mad.

Am I overreacting to being frustrated and mad that my boyfriend does this and I don’t trust him to watch him alone again until he proves he can stay awake and alert and actually help with our child? And that I’m mad he’s trying to say that he does ‘equal’ caregiving when that’s clearly not the case? He thinks I’m being mad for no reason when anything could’ve happened while he was asleep to our son, but he doesn’t seem to understand that it could’ve ended a lot worse than it did so I won’t let him watch him alone again if I have to leave and can’t take him with me.

And am I overreacting for filing for child support because he says “the only thing our son needs is a roof over his head- he doesn’t need diapers, wipes, clothes, or food, he just needs me to pay the rent” and it’s always a fight to get him basic necessities? I’m at such a loss here.

EDIT: I will be leaving him, I’m just trying to find a safe place for me and my son to stay!

My question is, just because he lives here, does that mean he had 50/50 placement even when he does stuff like this and doesn’t do any actual day to day or nightly caregiving? I’ve left my son alone with him once. He does the bare minimum when he is awake (he works nights and sleeps all day even if he has multiple days off).

So my son’s dad got served for child support (yes he lives in the home, no he doesn’t help). He wrote in the paperwork that we share caregiving responsibilities 50/50. That’s not true in the slightest. I do everything with my son, diapers, feedings, baths, bedtime, wake ups, appointments, bring him to my own appointments, everywhere I go, my son goes, everything I do, my son comes with, all caregiving is on me. I asked my son’s dad to watch him for about an hour while I got some cortisone injections for pain. I come back after the appointment, son is on the floor playing with his dad’s vape (luckily he doesn’t put things in his mouth- not even food) and his dad SNORING on the couch. My son had a dirty diaper which I could tell he had for a while, as I smelled it right when I walked in, so it had to have been sitting there on him for a while.

I checked our living room camera- NOT EVEN 10 minutes after I left, his dad fell asleep. My son is 16 months old, he could’ve gotten into ANYTHING in the 50 minutes that his dad was asleep. And he swears he wasn’t asleep (parent connection came the same time I did, was as appalled as I was, he slept through the whole parent connection meeting too, which he denies, but the snoring gave it away).

Since he’s set on trying to make sure I don’t get child support even though I do 99.99% of all caregiving, what do I say to him and the courts about things like this. I can’t trust his own dad to stay awake for AN HOUR to watch him. He didn’t change his diaper. He didn’t even talk to him. He just fell asleep and left his vape on the floor for him to get to. I’m livid.

He also argues every time my son needs diapers or wipes or food or shoes or anything because they’re running super low or he’s outgrown something. He’s threatened to never buy anything for our son ever again (why I filed in the first place, in February). I’m a disabled stay at home parent. I don’t have an income, trying to get on disability but it’s hard. I know in my state child support mostly revolves around who takes care of the kid day and night, not just sometimes paying for the things they need, especially if threats enter the picture of cutting off financial support for necessities.

I know he doesn’t want to have to pay me for my son’s stuff but he also doesn’t want to pay for his stuff himself, which is why I had to try for child support. He thinks if he has to give me money for taking care of our child and his needs, that gives him less spending money on stuff he wants for himself. His parents have called me all sorts of bad names, called me ungrateful for him working for us (but barely providing necessities, which son’s dad thinks rent is the only necessity for a toddler… apparently, which is obviously not true). I’m getting threats from his parents over this. Clearly he’s not actually doing any caregiving though, he’s not providing the things my son needs. I just don’t know what to do.

Im so confused. Sorry for the long post. Needed to vent and need some advice. I don’t have family that can help.