u/Imaginary-System-268

So there's this influencer guy, just a small one who just started influencing. I'm 20 but I'm more into older guys. I think I've never had a crush on someone my own age. And I'm at a really lonely point in my life. So i wasn't pursuing him at first but I was liking his posts and cheering him up. Once the conversation got really flirty and he did say to me he was married. I should've stopped then and there. But my loneliness was having a huge fight with my morals and I gave in. And I just apologised for flirting with him and I just kept talking with him. A Topic about sex arose and the conversation started to become spicy and he asked for what would you call a nude but just "how wet I was" . Fyi I'm a virgin and I've not been into stuff like this before. So for me I don't even know how to take such pics. So i declined. And again after a few convos after he pursued again saying I'll send mine if you send yours and all and I just almost gave in at some point. I asked him, wouldn't people get hurt if we engage in such conversations and he was like if we keep this between us no one would get hurt. I really liked him. Like seeing his videos i adored him because in his videos he really seemed like this funny goofy guy and my dumbass even imagined what it would feel like to date him. So when he finally gave me a little bit of attention it felt like having candy when you're about to faint because of low sugar. Now he says he has something going on in his life so he's not active in his influencer account. And I'm like he doesn't even know my name. All because of that little bit of warmth I just didn't block him yet and keep going back to him. But I don't want to. I know it's wrong. I know i should stop. He is 20 years older than me. And we live at the opposite ends of the world. Every aspect of it is wrong. Im somewhat of a 5/10 because for the last two years I've worked on my body and went from morbidly obese to fit. But i suffer with anxiety and so many traumatic experiences with respect to rejection. Even my dad once he was drunk told me he doesn't love me and he doesn't care about me and he only has a son and he cares about only him and me as his daughter does not matter much. I know these are excuses I'm giving... but even while writing this there's some part of me hoping the guy would treat me seriously and not some sex bot....

At high school I was a pretty social person. I was a part of friend groups and had so many awesome friends. Then I met with a great failure in my life and that just shut me down. But i didn't let that ruin the friendships I had. But after high school ended that just faded away. But I tried. In my coaching centre for entrance exams I had some friends and I was so loyal to them and helped them and ended up getting played by. Then I joined a college i didn't want to. Due to the trust issues developed by these people i completely stopped talking with anyone, minded my own business and graduated with honours. Then this thought process of me being alone is directly proportional to me becoming successful started to develop. And then I got a job. I had one friend. But i accepted the fact that I was the fat friend and they only kept me around because i was a nerd and could do stuff for them. During this period of time I started working out and started going to the gym and I lost a lot of weight. Like a lot . Became fit and atleast a 7/10. Then i joined a different startups at my hometown hoping I'd atleast get friends there because people who i recommended are the ones working there. But even here everyday i sit alone, have lunch and coffee during breaks. During all these years social anxiety hit me like a freight train. Every interaction or small talk felt like chewing glass. I thought losing weight and glowing up would make people treat me better. But I was utterly wrong. People treat me worse. Either they're too awkward with me or scared of me because I'm a relation to the CEO. I tried mingling being an extrovert even though that sucked for the first two days. But I couldn't just continue doing that. Right now I'm in the cafeteria writing this resenting myself for being like this and resenting everyone else for no apparent reason. I'm 25. Never been in a relationship. Single as hell. Zero friends. Not even a close one in an emergency case. If something happened to me i think the only people whod attend my funeral would be my family. My parents maybe some relatives my brother and my dog. What's the point of existing in the first place?

The only thing that's stopping me from doing anything to myself is the fact that I don't want to die a lonely loser. I want to atleast become rich, experience adventures even if it's alone. And then maybe since people find me so repulsive, live in a bunker or something with my dogs.