Me (25F) and my best friend (24F) met online when we were 15. We have been online friends for a very long time, as we are from different, but neighboring, countries. Around 7 years ago, we met irl for the very first time, and since then we have visited each other a handful of times.
However… our friendship has been rocky to say the least. We have been extremely on and off, sometimes going months with no contact, blocking each other everywhere. The last time this happened was in October 2024, and it lasted for a whole year (which is the longest it has ever been). That year gave me a lot of time to think about things.
See, the reason everything kept going wrong was (long story short), her being in a bad place in her relationship, and me feeling forgotten about, and neither of us knowing how to communicate with eachother because we don’t know eachother that well yet irl, and for me, I didn’t understand myself well enough.
I have been having doubts about whether I am bi since I was 15 as well. In this past year, I have been beyond heartbroken because she wasn’t in my life. I have never felt that much pain. I’ve had a lot of time to think, and I finally realized and accepted that I am in fact bi. And I realized I am in love with my best friend, and have been for a very long time. And suddenly, it made sense why I was so devastated whenever it came to her and her boyfriend.
The problem is… she is straight, and we are both in long term, happy relationships with our boyfriends (her relationship got better). She has been living with her boyfriend for years, and I am about to move in with mine.
We are truly on our way to settle down, she is talking of marriage and kids sometimes, and I can feel myself slowly but surely being ready to think about those things too.
But I just can’t help feeling so, so heartbroken about all of this.
We saw each other irl again a week ago, for the first time in about 1,5 years (and of those 1,5 years, we were no contact for a year as I mentioned earlier). We had the absolute best time. We have such a deep connection with each other and i know this time, things really will be okay. Because now we know ourselves better. We are finally communicating.
She knows about me being bi, and being in love with her (as does my boyfriend, by the way). We talked about it a couple of times, and we talked about it irl when she visited me last week. It was an amazing conversation, we both cried, she was loving and supportive and I felt so seen and understood.
I guess… I’m just struggling so much still. She was my first love. The thought that she will never see me the way that I see her is crushing me. The fact that she would fall in love with a hundred men before even considering me. I know none of this is fair to think. We just have such a deep connection, we are passionate about the same things, we understand each other so profoundly, but it will never be enough. I just wish things could have been different.
Deep down I can’t help but to hope that one day she will realize that maybe she does feel something for me. Even though we talked about a lot of things already, I can’t help but feel like there’s more there. Our friendship just isn’t like any other friendship, and it confuses me to think that she really does just see it as a friendship. Like, I know why I feel so deeply about her, but why does she feel that way about me if it’s purely platonic? But I know that all of this is really unfair to think, both to her and to myself. Because I need to move on.
We have already talked about how we won’t leave this time, no matter how hard things get. We plan to be in each other's lives forever, grow old together, be there for all the important moments.
I have to learn to live with this. With the fact that she will get married to her boyfriend, build a life with him, have kids and stay with him for the rest of her life. And I will be the best friend, by her side but not really with her.
What makes all of this even harder is that we are from different, albeit neighboring countries, so I’m already far away from her to begin with. I just want to be a part of her life. I want to be close to her so, so much.
I know all of this just takes time. There is not much else I can do but wait and try to process all of this. I know one day I will find acceptance in all of this, I will truly be able to be happy for her and her boyfriend without it feeling like I’m being ripped apart. I know how much of a privilege it is to be her best friend, to be someone that means so much to her, and I know one day that will be enough. I am genuinely extremely happy with my boyfriend, and I can’t wait to live with him. But she still lingers in my mind and my heart.
I guess I just wanted to vent and hope that anyone else has had similar experiences, or has advice on how to find acceptance in all of this. Please don’t tell me to distance myself from her, that’s not an option for me. I would love to hear about other people’s experiences, that always makes me feel better, to be understood and to feel like I’m not alone.
Anyway, thanks for reading if you got this far :)