u/Immediate-Ad2497

Why am I so different and difficult, I'll tell you. Hopefully going down this road doesn't break you like it did me. My first permanent memory is of my father waking me up, I was 5, telling me that he will not be coming back as there are blue and red lights in the background. You're the man of the house, he said, as he left with a straight face.

Shortly after, my oldest brother, 8 years older than me started waking me up in my sleep (have you heard of COCM?). Mom was working a lot to support all of us and he was the oldest, so he watched us. He did things to all of us in isolation. As he got older, so did we, we would start blame things on us, beat us and shoved us in our room. He would confront you, beat you up more and to make up to you, he would do it in the way my father did to him, his stepson.

My mother, the one who brought me into this life never believed me when I told her, I just stayed quiet. Holding this in while going to school. Mom married a man, who was gentle at first, wanted to be part of our lives. Then, he had his own kids, we became a thing of the past, the problem. Mom was a party woman, she was a very mentally abusive and neglectful woman. Step-dad, he was just abusive. I was never safe, I became lost in my own mind to escape that pain, broken reality, created delusions just so, I, could, be, free.

10 years, 10 years of the abuse, that pain, the confused love, the neglect. Those permanent scars, they broke me. Eventually, I was old enough and strong enough to protect myself and the younger ones (11 siblings). I started fighting back with every bit of rage that I had in me, it was ever consuming.

This one is the hardest to admit and it fucking haunts me, there is no excuse and a part of my past that I hate the most. I repeated that cycle, I was a child, so confused. My sense of love is completely shattered. I hate myself for it and I die everytime I'm alone with these aching thoughts. I wasn't like them, I knew and felt it in my soul that it was wrong. I broke that cycle in me after the 3rd time, when I started developing more mental awareness. I'm sorry, that's not who I am and they know. I have never been open to anyone about that side besides my psychologist.

Going further into life, I'm filled with broken relationships. Toxic and mentally abusive ones from both ends. Before you assume that I beat on women, you are far from wrong. I have episodes where the pain is unbearable and I just tear them down. On the inside while I'm doing this, I just feel like a small child who wants someone to grab me and hug me, telling me that it'll be ok. Either I felt everything or nothing at all. Sometimes I'm just in the backseat while this monster (my wolf is what I call him) takes the reign and sinks his teeth into my reality.

Fuck, I even destroyed the best relationship that I have ever had. The most sweet, gentle and understanding soul. She had her problems, she was permanently broken in a different way. God, I'll never forget you or forgive myself for not having the control that I do now. It's because of you that I try so hard to be better. I broke you even further, with my mood swings. You're just still so wonderful, you always tell me that I wasn't that bad and that I was the best thing that has happened to you. I cheated on you, I wanted you to be free of me. You never gave up on me, even after all of that. You loved me for who I was and that meant everything to me.

The next one, the last one. Yeah, the one I cheated on her with. That one was brutal, you were a different kind of monster. The narcasstist one, that uses my deep emotions and past against me, for control, for power. You reminded me of everything in my past and even used all that against me. I'm so glad that I never took that pain out on your beautiful souls of children. Those 2 were just a blessing and made all of that pain worth it. Truth be told, I'm so glad that hell is long behind me.

3 years of being alone, not even a hug. I feel so lonely, so unloved and unlovable. Still, I dug into my work, had a few promotions, paid everything off. Created structure and routine, I made myself everything that I didn't have growing up.

I had to kill that part of my life, I had to kill the old me. Sadly, the scars are permanently engraved into my mind. There are things, even if all I want, that I can't escape from. So, I still get stuck, lash out and let the wolf feed when someone crosses me. That wolf, he's me, who I needed to protect me from that hell. If you ever talk to me, it's like talking to 2 personalities with their own tones.

Haha, I say this but if you met me in person. I'm always do friendly, helping others and I would give the shirt off of my back for someone I care about. Maybe because I understand deep pain that I'm this way. Don't come at me wrong, I am quick to protect myself and my people, even if they are few.

Don't come at me telling me to work on myself. I have, the best that I can, that's all I do, it's a never ending battle. You don't get to judge me if you can't feel what I feel and have to go through. Respect me and I'll respect you. If you're part of mine, then understand that I'll destroy myself just to protect you. There is no healed for me, only integrating.

I'm not the best, I'm flawed, I'm obsessive, I'm delusional but I'm also one of the strongest, caring and heart spoken person that you will ever meet. So, pardon my mood swings, PTSD is a bitch.

It's been a long weekend. My hands are cut up and my body is aching from work. I'm both mentally and physically exhausted. At last, it's over and I can rest for a couple of days.

My mind is at ease for now. I know, when I wake up, I'll do my normal ritual of listening to sad songs and cry. I cry because I search for you everywhere. You, who ties my soul to this world still. That person who is as broken and different as me. Well, maybe not the PTSD mood swings. If that was a part of you, I would love and accept them.

I want everything with you. The highs, the lows, I want it all to mean something and I want it all to be real. I want you to challenge me to be better, for you. Not in a cruel way. But, in a way that's soft, without words. Well, if you have to tell me directly, I'll accept that too, lol.

You don't know it. But, I've been building this life and and pushing myself so insanely hard. Just to give you a home, for us, for you. One where, you don't have to work if you don't want to. You don't have to be the traditional have my kids, even though I would absolutely love that, kind of girl. I'll never hold that against you.

Maybe, just maybe, you're out there. I think that I'm done searching for now. I'm tired and I need a break. I feel you, searching for me too. Let's just lay our heads down for now and enjoy the day as it slips away. Take a break from the searching and just be.

I've been talking to a couple of girls, don't be mad, looking for you. I don't know if it's my mind or not. But, I get scared and start questioning everything with them. I shouldn't, I should just let things be. Maybe, our souls will just know when we meet. Maybe, I have already found you and we are just too scared to tell each other.

I can't wait for the day, that we finally get to put all of the searching and loneliness at ease. Until then, I'll stay loyal and faithful to only you. It doesn't mean that I'll stop looking, haha. You have nothing to worry about with me.

I'm too much, I get it. I'm too honest, I'm too emotional. I let things really get to me. I'm sensitive, I feel and think deeply. It's how I am and who I am. I am not ashamed, I am allowed to feel what I feel! I am allowed to be, whole heartedly, me with no excuse. I am human, still.

I'm trying, trying to be better. It hurts, it tears my soul apart. I burn to heal but healing isn't meant for someone as broken as me. I'm not perfect in any means. I have done both beautiful and awful things. I have tore down people that I have loved, used their weakness against them because I was hurting.

I don't want to do it ever again! I'm scared of being vulnerable because everyone in my life has abused, in every sense of the word, me. There is no fixing me. I don't get to heal, even when it's all that I have want.

I spent years alone thinking that I fixed myself. Created so much structure and peace in my isolation. I have a home, all of my things are paid off. On paper, I'm stable as can be. I have 2 sweet pets who are my world. Well, my conure is a little butt hole but makes me laugh. I could never hurt my babies. So, when I feel the pain crawl up, I neglect them because I know how destructive I am.

I've done years of work with a psychologist, tried variations of medication. Nothing works, I have learned deep self awareness but that doesn’t always help. Sometimes, the pain is too much.

So, I'm sorry to anyone that I've ever hurt. I'm sorry that I live in fantasy and delusion. That I'll twist and manipulate, to fill this emptiness inside of me. I just want to rest my head down and let all of that madness ease. I don't know how to or have anyone. I don't trust anyone and I'll do whatever I can to push them away. I will never get to be ok. I'm just too broken and too far gone.

Don't bother trying to save me.

At least I'm still trying.

I'm sorry, I used to be the most forgiving and patient person. I tried my best to give the people I let in the best parts of me. Over time, it felt like everyone took that away slowly. I've been through so much, so much pain that I never wanted. Here I am, standing before you, raw.

I'm so broken, there is no escaping this. The darkness that has its hold on me. Broken relationships, broken family, people who loved me unconditionally have left this Earth. I'm so alone, and now, when I let people in, all I want to be is alone. I feel so alone in this world and just when I finally think, my own delusional thoughts, that someone who was like me appeared before my eyes. I glimpse for the search to finally be over.

Now, I'm filled with more pain and instead of just keeping it to myself, I lashed out. I messed up, on my behalf. I let my inner demons start speaking because they didn't trust or believe a word you said. They already knew how things were going to go and the interrogation began. Why play games with me? If you like me, just tell me, I wanted every part of you. Your love, the choas, the heartache, all of it. I would have endured but you would have to deal with my own madness.

Now, I had to sever this delusion because that's all it was. Just some stupid hope, trying to keep my heart open while it's still being ripped out of my chest. That's ok, I forgive you but I can't allow you to have access to me anymore. I know who I am and what I have to offer. Oh well, time to hurt again and go back into solitude while keeping my mask on to hide the ache.

If only, if only you had told me how you felt instead of all of the games. I wanted you and only had eyes for you and I only wanted the same from someone who I chose. I'm tired of this loud world and the wondering eyes. I wanted something real, I wanted it all and was willing to accept you for who you are behind the cracked mask that you wear.

Forever broken in a broken world.

Let it hurt!

I know that we tease each other about being red flags because of the stupid things that we have done. Speaking from my heart, I want to clear the room for a bit. I don't see you as a red flag. You show me strength in situations where you should crumble. You show me honesty when it's a lot easier to lie and hide. You listen to me when I speak and stay quiet even when all you want to do is talk. There are these small beautiful moments where your self concept really shines through, your authentic loving self is admirable. You push yourself as hard as I do, even when you have nothing to stand on. We both have some bad silly habits that we can let go of, of course. We understand that we are not perfect but yet, we try our hearts out and pour everything in.

To me, my picky self, you are something that shines and stands out. Sorry if the teasing has ever made you feel less, I'm sure that it has. I hope that you can tell by my actions that I don't see you as a red flag. All of my fears, I'll work on them, I'll constantly fight and battle myself. Because knowing you, makes me want to be better. Because I see your strength. I'm proud of you!

I don't feel alone anymore, after meeting you. Finally, a soul who shares the same pain as mine.

Here I am writing about you again. Everyday is always different and it's always beautiful when you're around. I admire you and even though I can't have you, I'm perfectly fine with that. I know how toxic you can be but you always choose unconditional love towards me and my broken soul. I deeply respect that, more than you will ever know.

My job is stressful and unforgiving. I'm sorry that you have to see me under so much stress. Talking to you, even if I'm in a mood, eases that.

That's it today. I just wanted to be thankful for what I have and attempt to see the light, even for a moment. Everything just feels heavy all of the time but it's those small moments that makes things a little lighter.

The title says it all. I met this wonderful woman. She's beautiful and so loving to everyone around her. I know she has feelings for me and I really like her. Yet, my mind is twisting things and I know that it's not fair to her. I just want her to be her and free. But, this ache, to control things so I don't have to feel the pain that I've became so used to, starts sinking in. I'm terrified, that I'm temporary, like I have always been, even though I'm the one who always left. Because, I'm hard to love. Because, I want the love that I give and I can never find.

I want someone who only sees me, that only wants to feed me their love and affection. Because, that's how I am. I give one person, every part of me and no one else will matter. My possessiveness, my brokenness, my darkness, it's all consuming and I don't want to consume you. I'm so jealous, I know that you are too. We have similar pasts and I was praying that maybe it broke you like it did me. That we shared the same values because of it. That the feeling of being completely alone because no one could understand you was over.

I know, I know, I should let this control go. I should learn to love and accept you for who you are. It just hurts so much. This burning pain of going through hell when I shouldn't have. Controlling things to keep this pain from coming back only causes me so much more pain. My mind, it just keeps going to these dark places and I should just let it go! Be done with it and make something beautiful happen with someone I know would take care of me. Yet, I can't, I'm always stuck, a prisoner of my own mind.

I don't want to let you see my demons, I don't want to break you just because I don't want to feel this pain. All I know and endure is pain. I should be used to it! I have always overcame every challenge put in front of me, with a smile and softness towards everyone. Even when they don't deserve it, I'm still there with a helping hand. Why, you broken mind, why do you keep haunting me still.I should just let go of it, I can't.

Ugh, if you showed your jealous side. I would absolutely love it because I know that it's your way of showing that you care and love me. I just want to pull you close and love you deeper than you could ever imagine anyone could love you. Yet, I want to push you so far so that I never have to feel this pain again, anymore. I feel too broken for love and to be loved. What you went through, I don't want to put you through more pain. I don't know surrender, I want to know how to surrender to you. I can't, it just hurts, so, much.

You beautiful creature, it was lovely seeing you open up towards me. Your humor, your smile, your so sweet nature. We are polar opposites, my darkness to your light. I love how you light up when you see me. It brings me so much warmth and I'm grateful for these experiences, even if they turn into nothing. Thank you, it's nice to open up like this. If you only knew how lonely I've been. How much I have cried, how heavy my heart is. I don't want you to see those broken sides of me. I could never hurt such a beautiful soul and I feel undeserving just being in your presence. Promise me, that not matter what challenges you face in life, that you'll never change and get bitter. I never want to see the pain in your eyes that are in mine. Just be, free.

I've been searching for you for what feels like forever. The soul that is intertwined with mine. The person who will walk the same pace as me. Who wants to take care of me while I push myself beyond repair. All I do is struggle and suffer, step by step, shedding my tears, bleeding from working my hands to the bones. I crave you so badly, I need you. I feel so empty and it's only becoming more consuming. It's hard, I feel like I can't do it anymore alone. But, I can't give up, I never will. Breaking every bone, every curse, until I am stone if I have to. I'm so fucking alone, I don't understand. I'm handsome, well mannered, loving, loyal and resilient. I have a home, everything I could need in life, a great career that will only continue to benefit me. But, where are you? I need you, to finally feel complete, settle down, and start a family. Even if we don't have kids, I have my sweet little babies. I just, need, you and I'm dying from waiting.