Hey guys! I did the questionnaire and I would appreciate it so much if someone were to read, analyze, and type me through my kinda long-ish answers! I don't really expect someone to actually read through it all so any effort is greatly appreciated ^^
Sorry for the bad grammar 'cause English isn't my first language!!
• Give a general description of yourself. How old are you?
--> I just turned 18 this month. I don't really like talking about myself very much since I can't put my thoughts into words. I struggle with expressing myself through words 💔 I can say that I'm a quiet and reserved person. I mostly adapt my personality to whoever I'm talking to, like matching their energy and humor, not good at it though since it tires me out. I'm quite lazy and can be absorbed in my interests such as playing video games, watching anime, etc. which in turn makes me forget about my environment and people in general. I also like digital art, and yeah that's it.
• What do you do as a job or as a career (if you have one)? Do you like it? Why or why not? If you are not working, what kind of job do you want to do or what are you studying?
--> I don't have a job and I've never thought that far ahead into the future to think about me having a job. Even if I were to have a job, I'd probably pursue something in Medicine. I just want a high paying job to support my lifestyle in the future. I think that money is everything and without it I'd be doomed. Everyone kept asking me what job I'd want in the future and it was such an annoying question 'cause I have no big dreams, I only want to live a comfortable life with my interests without worrying about money and stuff. I answered something in Medicine 'cause it seemed that it was attainable for me if I just put my mind into it.
Honestly, I just looked up "High paying jobs" in Google, but I didn't actually just go with whatever the first result was. I actually did some research about those jobs listed and weighed the Pros and Cons of each one. I was being realistic and looked into the kind of person I was and seeing if that job would be suitable for me, in the end I picked Medicine. I don't care if people say "Pursue what you like! You'll regret not doing it in the end." because I have no likes and I'll only regret it if I pursued something like art and be dirt poor in the future.
• Describe your childhood/upbringing. Did it have any kind of ideological or structured influence? How did you respond to it? Did you have any significant negative experiences that may have affected how you think or behave?
--> I can't really say much with my childhood 'cause I've forgotten most of it. I only remember the details on how I was such a big crybaby during the first few years of Elementary school because I didn't want my mom to leave my side. I didn't want to go to school without her, I pretended to be sick or wake up later just so I couldn't go to school (Obviously that didn't work, she forced me to go every time. She didn't care at all if I was crying or anything) She'd punish me with a clothing hanger or a belt , threaten to put me in a sack and put me outside for other people to see or lock me up in the bathroom with the lights turned off ( I wasn't scared of the dark, I was more scared of being alone) Anyway what I've learned from it was crying would make her angrier = more punishment, it'd be better if I just put up with it and didn't make a noise so that it could end fast. I dislike pain okay.
I remember the times where my mom heard my siblings swearing, she'd punish them by slapping them in the mouth and telling them to pray to God to never do these things again. I naturally associated swearing = punishment as a child so I avoided it as much as possible. It kinda stuck with me as I grew up, I find it hard to say swear words now even if I know that it wouldn't result to any punishment anymore. My mom is less strict now, and hearing my younger siblings swear so much just angers me so much for some unknown reason. Don't get me wrong, I don't mind other people swearing, I even find it hilarious because I know that we have different upbringings. But with my siblings? No way. I often find myself telling them to fix that mouth of theirs and saying what they're doing is wrong. Best I can say now IRL is shit, like shit everything! On online I avoid swearing but I can type out swear words, I just don't like voicing it out.
I also told one of my biggest shameful secrets to my best friend back in 4th grade because I trusted her so much and she was so persistent in knowing. She used it as a way to blackmail me for money, child me didn't really care about the money part 'cause in my eyes we were well-off, but what I cared most about was how she broke my trust. I thought about how she could just change her mind one day about the money thing, and that she'd just say my secrets out to everyone. I was filled with these thoughts everyday that it made me anxious as hell, I didn't want to go to school anymore and it kept me up at night. It felt like I was walking on eggshells around her trying my best to please her as best as I can because she had the power to crush my poor little child's life. I wasn't planning on saying my problems to my parents because I was afraid and ashamed that I was dealing with all this. Of course that plan didn't last long because in 5th grade, child me had a mental breakdown one day 'cause obviously I was still a child, theres only so much I can hold. My parents told my teacher all about it and I could feel that the teacher didn't care about the problem at all since all she suggested is that we change seats and keep our distance. Okay, let's skip some details since it's getting too long but in the end my "friend" told everyone about it 'cause we had a fight and everyone didn't really react that much. Life still went on and it didn't really had a big impact to anyone else's life except mines. What I learned through it is that I should just keep my mouth shut about my problems and deal with it on my own, because most people can't really fix it for you. I do think that I've developed some sort of trust issues from this experience.
Don't really have much to say for my dad, he was just there. Present in my life but not emotionally available. He did give me gifts and bought me whatever I wanted so that's a plus. When I was a child, I could see that there was some clear power/influence differences between my mom and dad so I was more cautious and anxious when I was with him. I wasn't close to him at all, I was awkward when I was talking to him even though he was home most of the time. I didn't know what his likes or dislikes were and I could feel that whatever I did I wouldn't have the same relationship with him as I do with my mom. Yes, he was able to buy me stuff but I was scared of talking to him, so how could he have known what I wanted when I didn't even want to speak to him ( What a shame I could've had plenty of toys if I wasn't like that.) In the hospital I cried cause I didn't want to lose him just yet because I thought about how there were still plenty of people who needed him in their lives (Especially my younger siblings and my mother) but a part of me already accepted that he'd not live for too long anymore since he was sick and old. There's nothing we could do about it, death is unavoidable, there's always an end to everything. Funny thing I can recall from there is me just faking my tears after I ran out 'cause I was probably dehydrated af and no tears would come out anymore, I didn't want to appear as "weird" for not crying.
I do regret not being there for him more when he was still alive, I only found out that he cared so much for me after he died through the words of others. I was just too blind and fixated on this version of him I created in my mind that I failed to see just how he truly was. He didn't express his love through words but with actions, I guess me and him are more similar than I thought. But child me wanted someone to comfort me through words and he couldn't fulfill those. I didn't want gifts or anything I just wanted someone to be there for me and tell me that "It's gonna be okay." So I can see where it all went downhill haha.
I still dont understand where I got my shyness from, maybe there's some memory my mind completely blocked out or I just forgot, but all I remember is being shy all throughout my life. Even now, but not as extreme as before.
• Do you have any mental or physical health issues that might affect how think or choose to live? Provide a brief description.
--> Don't know, I haven't tested/tried to get myself officially diagnosed 'cause in my country people see that having any illnesses is bad and could ruin your future. I'm afraid that I'd get diagnosed with something and that people would treat me differently because of it. I do think I have depression, but I'll not go in too much detail with that since I don't wanna remember myself during those times.
• If you had to spend an entire weekend by yourself, how would you feel? Would you feel lonely or refreshed?
--> Refreshed for sure. I enjoy being with friends and going to different places while trying out new things but after that I'd need multiple days of rest and alone time before I can go out and socialize again. Just imagining an entire weekend with only me there is like a blessing granted to me. I know how to entertain myself without the help of others. I sometimes get lost too much in what I'm doing that I forget that I have to reply to peoples messages, that's why I try to surround myself with people who know what I'm like so that there wouldn't be any hard feelings to anyone with stuff I subconsciously do.
• What is your relation with movement and your surroundings? For instance do you prefer a sport or outdoors event? If an outdoors event what is it? And why? If not what type of activities do you tend to engage?
--> I'm pretty lazy and people would say that I'm very disorganized when it comes to my place. I don't like any of those two. I really like mental activities that get my mind going, especially games like Sudoku, Nonograms, Minesweeper, etc. I'd love to learn chess one day if I'm motivated enough. And when I'm in a good mood id try to read a book with a unique writing style that I find hard to read just so I can test my capabilities, even if I spend 90% of my time just looking up definitions of words.
• How curious are you? Do you have more ideas than you can execute? What are your curiosities about? What are your ideas about - is it environmental or conceptual, and can you please elaborate?
--> I can say that I'm a pretty curious person. I love hearing other peoples different thoughts on a topic because it helps me be more open-minded with things since I struggle with thinking outside of one thought. I'm curious with everything, yes I'd like to know why how this thing or that thing or whatever thing works. Though I'm very bad at responding to people who share their own knowledge with me, id say "Oooh wow" as my go-to-response. It may sound so fake but it's the best reply I can come up with, like I'm super interested in the things you say and I would love to hear more but please don't expect me to reply with great enthusiasm/curiosity or something. I think I'm more interested in conceptual ideas but please don't ask me to form my own original ideas!
• Would you enjoy taking on a leadership position? Do you think you would be good at it? What would your leadership style be?
--> Never. People always try to put me in a leadership role since they think smart = good leader but I disagree. I'm not great at telling people what to do but I'd get irritated if they don't do their expected work. I have a clear vision in my mind on how I want something to look like but telling people my ideas just demotivates me because I'm not good at expressing my thoughts into words. If I ever were to get put in a group activity i'd do the bare minimum just to get it over with. But when it's an individual activity that's where my ideas gets to shine. My leadership style would be someone who's not fit to be a leader, a person who just goes along with what everyone says.
• Do you prefer hands on activities or working with your hands in some form? Describe your activities.
--> Don't have a set preference for this one. I don't mind doing hands on activities since it's fun to do and makes me remember the process and feel of the activity. I do suck at working with my hands even if I find the activity enjoyable, there's just something with these hands that feels like it wasn't made to create/do something physical.
• Are you artistic? If yes, describe your art? If you are not particular artistic but can appreciate art please likewise describe what forums of art you enjoy. Please explain your answer.
--> Kind of? I do digital art so I can say I'm somewhat artistic. I only like drawing what I want to draw. I lack the ability to create something meaningful with it. I admire and look up to people who have artworks with deep meanings that can make your brain wonder just what was in their minds while making this? I also appreciate art such as music and poetry, I know that I don't have the skills for it but I like hearing what people create with their own heart and imagination.
• What’s your opinion about the past, present, and future? How do you deal with them?
--> For my past there's PLENTY of regrets, but I usually don't dwell on it much since it causes me unnecessary emotions and I want to focus my thoughts on something else. I think I'm a person who lives in the present/moment, someone who indulges themselves on short term pleasures. I also don't like thinking about my future too much cause it worries me a lot. I guess I'd just accept wherever life takes me.
• How do you act when others request your help to do something (anything)? If you would decide to help them, why would you do so?
--> I don't see the point in not helping others when you're well aware that you're able to help them. Not unless I was busy doing something and then you'd suddenly ask for my help. Depending on what type of help you need and if it's far more important than what I was doing, then I'd be ready to go help you out. I'd think first if whether or not I can help you right then and there and if that help doesn't bother me too much. If I decided to help them then it'd be out of the goodness of my heart? I like helping people but only if they ask for help in the first place.
• Do you need logical consistency in your life?
--> Yes I do. The truth is important to me and if there was any flaws or contradictions in said truth, then I'd lose interest in it. I don't like being confused about something and I'd need an answer for it right away, and I want that answer to be something objective rather than subjective.
• How important is efficiency and productivity to you?
--> It's quite important for me to see it in other people, though it's hypocritical of me to say this since I'm not a person who can be described as efficient/productive.
• Do you control others, even if indirectly? How and why do you do that?
--> No, if I know that a person is stronger willed then I'd probably be the one being controlled by them. I do subconsciously control people who I deem equal or lesser (Not in a bad way) into doing what I want. I wouldn't notice that I was doing this until I reflected on my own actions.
• What are your hobbies? Why do you like them?
--> I like art, music, and reading manhwas. I like art because it relaxes me and it's the one thing I'm good at, same reason for music except I'm only good at listening not creating. For reading manhwas I love reading about how different characters process, feel, and think things and how these things shape their character.
• What is your learning style? What kind of learning environments do you struggle with most? Why do you like/struggle with these learning styles? Do you prefer classes involving memorization, logic, creativity, or your physical senses?
--> I'm a visual learner, I learn things through my eyes. I find that I can understand things better if someone shows me the process on how they do it up until the final result. I struggle with Linguistic learning style a lot. I can't understand simple directions, I actually need to see how it's supposed to be done first 'cause I don't wanna make mistakes. I'm someone who asks questions on the simplest tasks ever even if I know how to do it because I want to make sure that I'm doing it right. I don't mind classes that involves memorization, I think I do best in that. Only downside is that after a test i'd forget everything I've memorized. I also like math and testing out my problem solving skills.
• How good are you at strategizing? Do you easily break up projects into manageable tasks? Or do you have a tendency to wing projects and improvise as you go?
--> I'm not that good at strategizing. I do like breaking things up into parts in which ones are more important to do and less time consuming. I don't like winging projects or improvising. If I have a clear idea on what I want to do in that project then I'll stick with that idea. Improvising things just means that my plans are ruined and my thoughts would be in disarray by then.
• What’s important to you and why?
--> What a hard question. I guess something important to me is living a comfortable life. I don't want people to break my boundaries and telling me how to live my life.
• What are your aspirations?
--> Same as the answer above, but I also do want to be more independent. I find myself being more dependent to someone I see as higher than me, making them do all the decision making for me and doing stuff I struggle with. I want to be someone who can stand on their own without anyone else's help. I don't want anyone to worry about what I'm gonna do or what I'm gonna be like in the future. I want to have lots of money so that I could support the lifestyle that I've always wanted.
• What are your fears? What makes you uncomfortable? What do you hate? Why?
--> I fear that I'll be poor in the future and that I won't be living the life I've dreamed of. My image is very important to me, I don't want people to see me as incompetent, useless, lazy, weird, and all that negative stuff. I try to put on an act as if I'm someone who's capable of doing stuff on my own. I don't like asking for help with people I don't trust or aren't close to me. I don't wanna feel like an outcast. I don't wanna feel that I'm different from others, I wanna try and fit in but I know that I'll never fit in exactly that I want to because I don't wanna lose myself in the process. My personal values are a big deal to me and seeing myself lose them just to fit in with a group would deeply hurt my sense of self. I don't wanna get made fun of. I'm very anxious that everyone always has bad intentions towards me, leading to me not opening up to others no matter how close we may seem. I don't want to go into things I don't know beforehand, this leads to me not doing stuff I want to do because "I dont know how to" or that I'm scared of messing up. I have a love-hate relationship with pushy people, because yes, I want to get out of my comfort zone and I thank them for helping me through with that, but I also have boundaries that they keep on breaking everytime.
• What do the “highs” in your life look like?
--> Being relaxed and happy
• What do the “lows” in your life look like?
--> Going through a depressive state again
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