I'm in a bit of a tricky situation deciding whether my ex should be in the room when I give birth. I'm so easily swayed that I just don't think I've been able to think about what I want or what I think is right.
I've communicated to him that I don't want him in the room but honestly I don't even know if that's true.
I know he really wants to be in the room to be the first person to see our child when he's born, but it's just a weird situation. He's not the most empathetic person at the best of times and I know he is a good person deep down but he's been a bit volatile and made some not very nice comments. I just worry that him being there might cause me more stress.
But on the flip side, I worry that him not being there and the guilt I might feel might cause me a lot of stress too. I know he really wants to be in the room but he's never made any comments about wanting to be there to support me either, and I do think it should be about that too.
Also he relays everything we speak about to his family so it wouldn't just feel like having him in the room - it would feel like having them all there too. I think that's where my bigger issue is. I just don't know if I can have him there at such a vulnerable time in my life but am I just being selfish by depriving him of that?
My midwife said given the circumstances he absolutely shouldn't be in there and actually wanted to phone her himself to say that, but I think she as lovely as she is, is a bit too opinionated. My family don't think it's the right thing for me for him to be there, mainly because birth is quite a vulnerable time and he is my ex partner at the end of the day, so why would he be there? But I don't know.
I don't really know what I want. This is his first child so my heart breaks for him too that this is how this is all happening. But I do also need to think of myself and what's best for me and the baby.
He has also upset me and let me down a lot since I've been pregnant. He was saying he wanted to get back together, even when I made it clear that it wasn't a priority for me - the baby was, but then has kind of kept us at this limbo stage with inaction so we've agreed it's not going to work. He'd never be a good enough partner for me but I do hold out some hope that he'll be a good dad. Though, he's not contributed anything so far and I kind of resent how he's just left me doing everything by myself whilst saying simultaneously that he's excited.
I think I'm going to feel either guilt from not letting him be there, or anxiety about him being there. I'm not sure if the first is something I could ever forgive myself for. Because I know how much he does want to be there. Could I equally forgive myself for letting him there though and him ruining that experience for me too or causing stress that might affect the baby?
I just wish he could be a different person sometimes, more empathetic and for me to just feel emotionally safer around him. In my heart there's no one I want there more, but I just don't think that's me being logical or thinking of what is best for me.
His family have been so horrible though joking about me being quote on quote 'mentally unstable', that I think instead of even being upset by the awful things they say now because I really was at the start, I've just become quite detached from it all, maybe even heartless. It's not really his fault that they say the things they say but he doesn't need to communicate them to me during arguments to score points and upset me.
I don't know it's so tricky. Any advice appreciated.