Just why?
I’m an Afro-Arab/ Malay boy. I am 16 years old. Why was I ever even born?? I live in an Arab country, and I feel so stupid and bad about myself. I usually love myself. I love my Afro, my skin tone (I am light skinned to be fair, so I understand I might benefit from the system more than others), I love my nose, I love my lips, I love my body. I usually love everything that makes me myself. A mixed black man. But I’m starting to feel like I’m crazy. I’m constantly feeling like racism is affecting me. My non-black Arab (because I have black Arab and non black Arab family) side of the family is very racist, they hate black people and think I’m dirty because I’m part black. A lot of the times, in family conflicts, if someone hurts me? I am made out to seem like I am just “mature” for my age, and that I just wanted to experience the pain of what would happen. When I testify my plight, I am made out to be a psycho, a person who wanted this pain, and a person who is “uncommunicative,” “agressive,” “angry,” “selfish,” etc. I’ve never seen this on other family members, just me.
My friends often don’t take pics with me, don’t talk about me in public, don’t even like being associated with me cause of how anti-black the society is. I got rejected for a lot of roles in singing shows and acting just because I obviously have abit of black in me. I feel isolated, I feel alone, and I feel like an animal. Most of the time, I feel like I can never be a soft person, they stripped every fiber of whimsy in me to the point that I’m like a beaver. Someone who has a spark, but is painted as if their sole purpose is to destroy.
Not to mention how annoying it is when no one can credit your intelligence because you can only be a “physical” entity, and when you display intelligence? They call you a “smart ass,” or a “cheater”.
I feel like even in relationships, if I want to be less masculine? It’s impossible. Any time I like a guy, he’s always a man who wants me to be dominant, or a weird man trying to compete with me because he thinks I threaten his masculinity. And no matter how much I suffer, there is still someone trying to deny me of my blackness. I can only ever be black if it’s to be degraded. I wanna feel uplifted, but that cannot happen in a society like mine. If it’s this exhausting being light skinned, I cannot even imagine how much more painful it is to be a dark skinned black person. I see you all, and I hope you all know you are beautiful regardless of what society says.