Getting over a situationship that ended 2 years ago
Hi. So i feel a bit embarrassed about this but i guess I’m hoping it helps me finally fully heal. I’m very aware of how unhinged I may sound. Apologies for the length and being so specific regarding things-I have deleted our chat but I can remember a lot of it and I’ve always been quite specific with dates and details. By expressing them I guess I’m trying to justify why I’m feeling what I’m feeling.
A few years ago I met a guy on hinge on casual terms and we ended up in an 18 month situationship. He lived away (approx 2 hours away) at the time but would come back to see his parents so we would see each and other meet up. We would message every day. When we first met the chemistry was there and he even said do we know each other? We started to become really close. At some point he went back to where he lived. We discussed what to do and he said he didn’t want to just stop talking. We didn’t see each other for four months but we were constantly texting each other. He said at some point the distance was the only issue between us. Then we saw each other again and we became even closer. I would tell him about stuff going with my family, he would message me in the early hours when he’d had a nightmare etc I had a date at some point and he said he was caught off guard but just wanted me to be happy. We always used to sleep well next to each other which was unusual for both of us. Eventually I suppose I brought up I had feelings for him and he said he had them for me too but didn’t know what we could do about it, and we tried to end things which was hard. He told me he cared about me. I did break no contact a few times. On one occasion we spoke for a few days and he said I was more than FWB. We went over things and discussed doing long-distance. I acknowledged it would be hard but I wanted to try and that I wasn’t definitely staying where I currently am forever-i would move if it was best for the relationship. We discussed ways to make it work. He ended up saying that he was torn as he knows connections like ours don’t come along every day, but wasn’t sure. He decided he wasn’t sure as he was looking to move again and change roles in his job so felt it was too much to enter a LD relationship. He also said he had some experience in LD and didn’t want to do it again. We went back into no contact for a few weeks.
Once again because I’m silly and I had something go on with my family, and I felt he was the easiest person to talk to I got back in contact with him over it. And he said he’d been thinking about me. He ended up moving back temporarily for 5-6 months before he moved elsewhere so of course, despite our best efforts not to, we ended up starting things up again. I go on how close we were and I know none of you were there but we really were. I could be vulnerable with him and for the first time I felt a man actually cared about me and thought we could potentially be great together. We were so comfortable with each other. And it sounds cringey af but when we were lying on the sofa all cuddled up it felt so right. We messaged all day every day. He became my person I guess and I wanted to tell him about my day and he would do the same. We did go on dates. We didn’t always sleep together when we met up. He rang me on New Year. He turned up as a surprise on Valentine’s Day and turned up another afternoon as a surprise with a Maccies.
At some point when he was close to moving away I asked was he enjoying looking forward to moving and he said sort of but had had lots of mad thoughts. I didn’t have the courage to ask him what he meant by that.
Eventually early May 2024 after 5 to 6 months he moved away (again about 2 hours away); he said won’t forgot about me easily and that it was gonna be hard for him as well and that he wouldn’t just forget about me. A couple of weeks after he moved we decided to cut things off. When we were ending things, he said things like it was hurting very badly, he was breaking down and that I deserved better. He said things like I was beautiful, fun and kind and wished I would see myself as those things too (I’ve always struggled with the self-esteem and been very self-loathing, and whilst he probably didn’t know the extent of how much I hated myself, he knew a bit). I asked him what he meant when he had said he had had mad thoughts and he said “I know what you’re thinking and it was definitely there, but I saw my future in…” and basically I think we were both talking about him having second thoughts about moving.
The next few months were very rough. I had to acknowledge that I had fallen in love with him. I missed him so much and just wanted to speak to and see him. In October 2024 I found out he was in a relationship which had been dated from May 2024, and it was on a date we were still speaking. Whilst we never said we were exclusive I felt blindsided that he’d actually started seeing someone else whilst we were still talking and made me not believe all the things he’d said to me.
I ended up sending him an emotional message where I accused him of not caring about me at all. He sent back a message saying “what we had was real and I cared about you deeply, but we both knew it wouldn’t work long-term because of the distance” he said some more stuff and then blocked me.
I then felt quite bad for lashing out at him. Maybe he had detached earlier. If she was in the same city as him maybe it was easier. I tortured myself with why I didn’t speak more about the distance, I felt I had let him go without a fight and hated myself for it. I never wanted to push him into a relationship or whatever-not that he ever made out I pressured him-but I wanted him to come to that decision on his own terms and I hoped he would. So I sent a letter to his parents house apologising, thanking him for being there, explaining why I was jealous and that actually I don’t think he did want a relationship with me and that I think he maybe mirrored my own strong feelings rather than him actually feeling them like he made out. I know it was insane, it was one of the stupidest things I’ve ever done and I regret it every day. I guess I hadn’t wanted him to regret meeting me or think I’m a psycho but sending that letter probably just reinforced that in his head anyway.
The next few months were hard. I tortured myself with what ifs, wondering what she was like, wishing I could turn back time. It was about him but I found myself hating her which isn’t fair when I don’t know her. Then in April/May 2025 I unintentionally found out that his girlfriend lived about two hours away from him. He was doing long-distance.
If I thought I was hurt in the October; this hit me like a ton of bricks. I knew deep down that if he had wanted to be with me, he would have done distance with me. However I had believed the distance was an issue, and the fact that even in the October he made out distance was the issue..: as he was doing already long-distance. Wow. How can someone write that knowing it’s a lie? Was there not any guilt?
The wave of emotions that hit me then, and still flare up now: Hurt, Anger, humiliation and many others. I felt used. For the best part of a year at that point, I’d been missing him and I find out that he didn’t give a shit and when I was stopping myself from messaging him he had literally started a LD with someone else and discarded me like I was nothing. I felt worthless.
I almost couldn’t believe it. How could I have been so fooled? He surely can’t be that good an actor to have lied all this time. But the facts were in front of me; actions speak louder than words. After 18 months he didn’t want to do distance with me, yet he jumped into a LD relationship with someone else easily. As we were still talking. He used me, lied to me and whilst he might not have literally laughed at me, I felt he had taken the piss out of me this entire time. The embarrassment I felt from having been so vulnerable with him made me want a hole to swallow me up. When I was in despair and begging the universe to give me another chance with him, he was cracking on with someone else, doing LD and just discarded me like I was nothing. I wanted to rip my own skin off.
Every single memory and feeling I thought it felt for me was tainted and I started replaying it all with a new perspective of how it wasn’t real and I felt so stupid. It was ironic how he had said he wished I saw myself like he saw me, but it turns out we did see me the same: second best, someone temporary, that there will always be someone better, not worth fighting for, that there was something wrong with me )because relationships have never been easy for me) someone good for fun but not worth the long-term.
If someone didn’t want me and was honest about it, yes it would hurt but I’d get over it. But making me think he actually wanted something with me and deeply cared about me, that he didn’t want to distance only to end up lying the whole time… I don’t know what I did to deserve that. Did I really mean that little to him? I ended up again thinking what was it about her? Why her not me? What is wrong with me? The thought that they may get married etc and that I had been the foster girlfriend made me feel sick.
He had said before he had never meant to hurt me and whilst he might never have thought he wanted to hurt me to himself, he knew exactly what he was doing. He knew if I found out about him doing LD after telling me that was an issue, that it would hurt me. Anyone can understand that. He just didn’t want me to find out. I can’t even say he wasn’t ready for a relationship or he’s an avoidant because he got into a LD relationship straight away. It’s me he didn’t want.
Thing is I know I played my part. Not wanting to do distance and also saying he was worried that the way we started had given us a false sense of security of how easy things were between us. Should have told me he was making excuses. But I guess I hoped he would change his mind and wanted to be understanding.
I sent him an Instagram message but I don’t think he read it. I wanted him to know how much he’d hurt me. Why I don’t know because he’d already shown he didn’t give a shit about me. I guess I wanted him to squirm or know that I had realised what a liar, user and coward he was. I sent him a friend request (I know I know) and I’ve been blocked.
So here we are 2 years since he left. I was in a bad place. I couldn’t even look in the mirror and tell myself I was kind without crying and turning away. People wrote down what they admired about me and I couldn’t read it all because I cried and felt my brain physically reject the compliments because I just couldn’t believe them.
I have tried therapy, hypnotherapy (and also re-listened to these recordings), Podcasts, Affirmations, Self-Help apps, talking, journaling, shouting at an empty chair, reading Instagram reels and posts about relationships and feelings, letting myself cry and feel my feelings etc. I’ve told myself numerous times that whilst I’m very flawed I did not deserve what he did to me, that this reflects on him as a person and not me and that I had a lucky escape. I try and motivate myself by telling myself I can’t let him have that much power of me, I can’t let him ruin my life, I can’t let him ruin my chance of meeting someone else. But when he’s in a relationship, doesn’t think about me, and it’s me who is crying at 2am, me hating myself etc then that’s very hard to just believe easily.
I’ve gone on dates but I have a lot of anxiety around it and don’t have any enthusiasm for it. I have no idea how to trust what I’m feeling anymore.
90% of the time I’m happy now. The rest of my life is good. But this situation… I’m ashamed to say that after 2 years I’m not over it. I can’t talk or write about it without it stinging and me crying. I want to have it out with him but I have no way of doing that. And I know deep down he’s not thought of me and doesn’t care about me. And I know closure is supposed to come from within. But I want him
to see me cry, I want him to know how badly he hurt me. Why… I’m ashamed to admit that after everything I still want him to fight for me, I want him to want me and I wish things had worked out. I wish he had been the one. Because there is that little niggle and feeling that I do think he cared and had feelings for me (that doesn’t help though as if true why didn’t we end up together?). And I also don’t like thinking about things about him because that part of me still remembers the person he portrayed himself as; and that person it breaks my heart to think of them in a bad way or imagine them upset. I still want to tell him about things happening in my life and think about him when watching certain TV shows etc. I guess despite the great people I’m surrounded by, I’m lonely and miss having someone as my person. And I hate that about myself. Because after everything I should not want him at all. He didn’t give a shit about me hurting and breaking down so why should I feel bad for any hurt he feels? I am so desperate to be over him it hurts. I truly wish I could say “good luck but fuck you I didn’t deserve that and I know my worth” and not want him. I wish I didn’t want him to fight for me. It’s pathetic-someone who made me feel like this isn’t my future husband. And I know he doesn’t care-you don’t do what he did to me to someone you care about; you just don’t. I know he hasn’t thought about me and forgot about me the moment he left. I was convenient to him and the moment he found someone he actually wanted he discarded me without a second thought. I know deep down I’m never hearing from him again. I feel so ashamed to still want him to fight for me. And that exhausts me-knowing how I should and desperately want to feel V how I actually feel.
I think a lot of it stems from the fact I feel the need to be chosen and if I’m not I think what the other person had that I didn’t. Yeah being chosen is the underlying thing I think. And I’ve tried so many things knowing I need choose myself first. I still have the negative thoughts about myself.
So. Sorry for the length and thanks for reading if you’ve made it this far. I think maybe it’s coming out now because it’s about 2 years since we stopped talking-and it reminds me that this time 2 years ago he was already doing LD with someone else. Please be kind-I can promise you that any bad thought you have about me after reading this I have definitely thought about myself. I know I’m emotional, impulsive and have likely come across as unhinged.
I would be grateful for any advice, but if not I’m hoping by writing it all down in its entity to a bunch of strangers will be cathartic for me🙂 P.S. I’m sorry if you see this in multiple communities. I didn’t know which one to post it in so chose a few