u/Immediate_Yoghurt_48

Please help - seeking advice

I have always been jealous in my relationships, but in the past a lot of my jealousy has turned out to be valid. I’m now in the healthiest relationship of my life but I am still struggling so much with jealousy and it’s starting to take a toll on my relationship. My partner is so loving, would never do anything remotely close to cheating, and shows me every day that she wants to be with me. She also has a really strong sense of justice and a core belief that she’s a bad person (ocd related) so she would never do anything to hurt anyone, including me. I believe that she loves me and I trust her when she says she would never do anything wrong by me.

But when the tiniest thing happens, like when I found out the new person she’s working with is also wlw, or she sees this one work friend who’s more touchy with her friends than I would be (not inappropriate level tho) or even just thinking about the fact that she works in a lesbian dominated field (we’re also wlw), my body goes into complete fight or fight. I get mad and start a fight, or I shut down and go quiet and spiral inside my own head .. either way, it makes her feel like she’s done something wrong when she objectively hasn’t, and she’s not coping with it, which is fair.

I don’t want to be like this, it’s not who I want to be. I completely recognise that I’m being irrational and that my reactions stem from my own past experiences, but it feels impossible to rewire my brain to not feel jealous.

I’m open to any advice on how to deal with my feelings of jealousy without taking them out on her, and/or how to unlean jealousy. Even just some support would be so very much appreciated. I feel so ashamed and so alone. Thank you in advance.

Please help - seeking advice

I have always been jealous in my relationships, but in the past a lot of my jealousy has turned out to be valid. I’m now in the healthiest relationship of my life but I am still struggling so much with jealousy and it’s starting to take a toll on my relationship. My partner is so loving, would never do anything remotely close to cheating, and shows me every day that she wants to be with me. She also has a really strong sense of justice and a core belief that she’s a bad person (ocd related) so she would never do anything to hurt anyone, including me. I believe that she loves me and I trust her when she says she would never do anything wrong by me.

But when the tiniest thing happens, like when I found out the new person she’s working with is also wlw, or she sees this one work friend who’s more touchy with her friends than I would be (not inappropriate level tho) or even just thinking about the fact that she works in a lesbian dominated field (we’re also wlw), my body goes into complete fight or fight. I get mad and start a fight, or I shut down and go quiet and spiral inside my own head .. either way, it makes her feel like she’s done something wrong when she objectively hasn’t, and she’s not coping with it, which is fair.

I don’t want to be like this, it’s not who I want to be. I completely recognise that I’m being irrational and that my reactions stem from my own past experiences, but it feels impossible to rewire my brain to not feel jealous.

I’m open to any advice on how to deal with my feelings of jealousy without taking them out on her, and/or how to unlean jealousy. Even just some support would be so very much appreciated. I feel so ashamed and so alone. Thank you in advance.