u/Important-Focus9503

I've been trying to do underequipped for 2 days playing like 2 hours each, and it has driven me insane on the Mikhail part.

My strategy was using the administral S to take damage and then make Mikhail chase me into sector 1 to grab the keycard and if lucky Gilbert kills him. But there's a shit ton of suicide bombers, and zombies that will fucking sandwich you out of nowhere lmao. Thought it was bwtter to avoid him, since pistol is lowk just pistol.

Edit: Fucking Mikhail, made me waste 2 days, got subequipped on my first try after knowing i could js crouch past him lmfao

I've thought about people who are mentally ill, dying without ever considering if they were ever mentally ill..
I think something cruel about life, is our normalization of the things we may experience, we may internalize cognitive distortions, suffering perhaps may be always guaranteed as a part of being human. Who is exempt from this? I dont know, our psychology is too vast that it seems practically infinite.

Anyways, i dont know if this belongs really on topic with the nihilism subreddit, if anyone has any reccomendations of somewhere else it could have been posted, i'd be grateful.

What is their thought process, how differently do they experience things from what i do.

What are the loops in their head, what biases do they hold?

I used to remember when i was a child, i lived life day by day. And i was pretty okay with it.

I wonder if, perhaps other people still live like that?

I know this seems completely obvious, but i would love to hear someone out.

Why shouldnt we normalize mental health issues, taking into account nihilistic beliefs?

Cant figure it out rn, mb.

Even if there's always questions to be had, sometimes it just feels nice to enjoy a hobby, or just think fondly of something without overthinking.

I had struggled with procrastination alot, nihilism and all, whatever weird thing life is, its just nice to sometimes just let things go and do them, its something i've been learning.

Today, as i stepped into the shower, i thought to myself

What exists despite the silence of my inner voice?

You cant stop the thousands of thoughts from racing inside your head, but what about 5 seconds of silence?

I didnt speak much inside my own head, i didnt give a name to the water that was running. I stared at the motion, perceived it, felt what i felt, and then looked at the light shining from the sun inside the bathroom. The light hitting my skin felt more real than ever, but it wasn't any more real than the uncertainty i always perceived in my own head.

I stared, and in the absence of my inner voice, there was no purpose, there was nothing that defined my existence on the mirror.

The numbness i had felt through the day, my racing mind that never stopped thinking, my endless search for answers, the anxiety, pressure, discomfort, the judgement i gave to my own self, to objects and to others.

There was nothing that defined me.

Undefined. Why did something undefined ease my uncertainty, if the uncertain didnt give answers?

No purpose that defined me . Why did those two words stopped becoming hollow? Purpose, grand purpose, divine purpose, whatever you want to name it, i didnt feel tied to anything.

.

Maybe tomorrow will change, but this is what i felt today.

Alot of people generally make subjective claims, and sometimes they end up claiming its a universal absolute truth because they thought so.

I mean, its normal, thats just human nature, but when they are assholes about it.. Damn.

I am sorry to myself for believing i was worthless, idiotic and weak.

I am sorry to myself for always demanding more and more of myself.

I am sorry to myself for never believing i was enough despite how many times i proved myself.

I am sorry to myself for all the people i've hurt when i was stuck in my own head, questioning even my values and what made me happy.

I am sorry to myself for always searching for a definite answer, never content with the ones i already had.

I am sorry for reaching apathy, and questioning all the value others placed in what made them happy, while all i could do is watch emptily.

I know how irrational my mind was, and how it still is, but right now, i've stopped fighting everything.

87 years ago, hundreds of thousands of people were dying everyday in ww2, 79 years ago, we were threatening to end ourselves and most biological forms of life over politics. Wasnt that a bit selfish? Poor squirrels lmao.

It's fascinating how everything changes. Everything. From the way people behave, to the circumstances that have shaped our lives. Luckily there isn't anything else going on that is as bad, typing a reddit post on my phone rn.

Its hard to grasp for me, but sometimes it feels like most of the opinions we transmit into this world are often flawed and ignorant, how we spew out superficial opinions regarding others as judgement, without truly understanding things at their base, simply because we dont look deep enough into it and choose to make a viewpoint..

How systems will take advantage of the nature of human ignorance to plant seeds.

And i find this mostly when we talk about societal norms, human values, when we make judgements of others, in human-made subjective concepts

.

Maybe im overthinking it, maybe what i said doesnt make sense, idk.

What's the point of life feeling like the most wonderful thing in the world, when there's days that will feel like hell? I don't understand it. Maybe happiness or contentment is only found in the belief that you found something worth living for? All those non-tangible ideals and ideas that give the human perspective a stable base of their own reality, to experience even pain and sorrow in it's own discretion and understanding, and when those core values are shattered, we lose our own energy, we get overtaken by our loss of purpose, anxiety, a endless repetitive search for something that lacking, or a way to fix things inside our own brain, maybe a single thought becomes thousands of them, turning our minds into racing machines filled with fragmented thoughts, only with understanding of our innate values, is that we will find peace to calm our own mind?

Rain, serenity, warmth, and your own company.