u/Important-Hunt-61

Forgive the title but I don't know what words could more accurately describe my experience today. I have been on and off meditating, but decided to start practicing again. Did maybe 20 minutes today and a few hours later in the bathroom (of course) brushing my teeth and listening to some IG reel, I was overcome with emotion and started to cry. Not a sad cry but a cry of relief. I at times basically verbally abuse myself or engage in jouska quite a bit, nearly always negative. I think a lot of the times I'm engaging in the emotionally abusive side of it I am just seeking a final breakdown and release. It's a wild behavior and clearly not working. I say that I think that is why I do it sometimes because the times I am able to actually break down and cry is when I start to feel better. That in the back of my mind that release is what I am seeking. Just some thoughts.

The last couple times I've looked at porn it's just been like meh why am I doing this? It's so unsatisfying. Endless looking for something that will arouse me. It's all just so exhausting. The last few days I've basically not looked. Going to keep it up. I'm just tired of this being a part of my life. I'm tired of it all. For a long time I think I held onto it because I thought it was enjoyable but I think I am over that emotionally.